When his hand seeks mine, for a moment my fingers shake. But I slide my hand in his and hope that he didn't notice my hesitation, that he didn't notice I was holding back.
"Oh it's nothing." How many times have I said that to him already? How can he believe it time and time again? He trusts me to tell him, and I've tried, once or twice. But what is there to say?
When his lips touch mine, I close my eyes and hide from it all. As long as it ends there, as long as I don't think too hard on what I'm doing, then maybe denial can last.
"Openmindedly gay." That's what our friends call it. As if somehow I can ignore everything else, every impulse to the contrary, and be "straight" for him..
When he wants more, what will happen? Even with my eyes closed, I can't pretend that black is white, that male is female.
"I really like you." And I do, I do. Emotionally, he's everything I could ask for, comfortable and sweet and wonderful. Why can't that be enough? Why can't there be a relationship without the physical?
When he asks me to please him, I won't know what to do. He's a boy, and I'm a girl-- it should be natural for me. But it's not, and it never can be.
"We'll move at your pace." That's sweet of him, but what if my pace is never? What if I want to be with him- but not to be with him.
When denial can't fill the gaps any more, we'll both end it.
Because he's no more straight than I am.