Weekend review (or, progress, loneliness, and let's drive david insane):
This ranks among my most productive weekends ever. I delved into the conformity of
high school and:
- Wrote six (count'em onetwothreefourfivesix) little mini-papers (usually 1-2 pages or so) on various topics dealing with technology of warfare in the late 18th and early 19th centuries.
- Spent several hours preparing for my AP Calculus mid-term
- Wrote three (count'em onetwothree) rather long essays on various topics dealing with physics - neutron stars, black holes, anti-gravity, and galaxy clusters - verifying my A for the quarter.
- Finished The Grapes of Wrath - It's an eloquently written story (beautiful language/descriptions) - but just not my cup of tea. I found it rather uninteresting (shall I say it? boring), and in some cases ventured into utter blandness.
- Went shopping (with the mother), did some (alas) Christmas shopping; bought a new coat for an upcoming performance; and picked up the new NIN cd (that i've had in MP3, but can't live without the retail).
- I now have 16 writeups until level 4.
It's a hectic time, just before mid-terms. I've taken to being a recluse, and, for once, I don't mind it. I like to spend my weekends alone sometimes. No matter that I find myself doing it more and more often.
i think i'm crazy
...maybe...
Much time was spent, and sleep lost, as
I panicked over a performance I'll be giving later this week. And it hasn't been pure nervousness, or anxiety. It's absolute fear; verified every minute and pounded into my brain. For those familiar with keyboard music, I'll be playing one piece (yes, just one), and that's
Chopin's
C# minor Etude (
op. 10). For those of you not familiar, it's a knockout piece; and perhaps I shouldn't be playing it. I've been feeling weaker and weaker over the past several weaks, hallow, emotionless. Almost as if I've been drained, the music suffers.
I can't put my finger on it, and it's driving me literally insane. I've done dozens of these programs before, and nothing has rattled me quite like this. Nothing has stripped me of all my confidence before, because I've always been ready. And even here, I've spent my hours in the practice rooms, my sweat and tears, blood weakening, shoulders and forearms pulsing in agony. Always pushing myself to the limit, and always chipping from every direction. I still feel failure
And so I've blinded myself with schoolwork in order to forget, to escape it. And every time it occurs to me, I feel shivers down my spine. It gives me a rush, and I want to punch something, or drive myself into a wall. Reassurance doesn't seem to work anymore. I'm hopeless. Maybe I need to eat something? This CD blows my mind.
I'm too busy to be lonely.
heartache makes my eyes hurt