Hey, Wonko, that's cheesy... Is a nodeshell that you know will be filled in really a nodeshell, or is it nodesquatting?

Anyway, a pretty decent day.

  • Wrote my final commemorative speech for my Speech 115 class in eighteen minutes flat. If I get higher than 22 out of 100, I have an "A" for the course. Too bad that doesn't work for my Math final, which is what I will be doing all weekend. Final exams suck.

  • I need to finish up my COBOL programming class homework. Two programs due tomorrow... maybe I will take the time away from noding to do them.

  • My oldest daughter has someone staying over for a week. Just what I need, two boy-crazy teenagers yacking late into the night.

  • My wife had an interesting snack. Our puppy has been losing his baby teeth, and I found one in the water bowl. I washed it and put it in a baggie (my wife can be oddly sentimental). I left it for her on the coffeemaker. She thought it was an empty bag and put some Fruit Loops cereal in the bag. She found the tooth the hard way. I've been accusing her of french-kissing the dog all day ("You get them dog-molars clean today?").

    Hope your day went well.

  • Dropped in again after some organizing in dmoz. Found that I had left some undone work in E2. An Everythinger pulled me up on the unfinished AYAQ 004 Women. I should get that done before the weekend is up, hopefully. ;-}

    Lately, I've been busy setting up localities, districts and regions for the state of Selangor in dmoz's regional categories.

    See ya later ...


    That is what the latest note I found under the wiper of my car said. At least it's nbot as bad as yesterdays, "Guess who got head?!" Along with the note I found a strand of my barbie's hair. That jerk cut her hair, and left my car covered in ketchup. It seems like there is a war now going on between a friend of mine and me because of something I did. My antenna ball is something that is very sacred to me and yesterday it was stolen. Well...2 can play at that game. Today I broke into this guy's car..along with redboot and stole his stereo. We didn't stop there. I super-glued this huge star on his hood, took his antenna ball, and took his pimp dice. After I did that he returned for another prank. This time he took off my license plates and placed pennys on my wipers. Luckily redboot saw the pennys before I actually turned them on.
    Sold pizza for the Jap. Animation Club, and then I went to class. Now I'm on my break for work...and should be walking back now...the day is only beginning...
    Oh... today was a pretty good day... nothing bad happened. Pretty calm, except for the suprise Frankenstein test. That was the worst just becauce I never read the book.

    Oh yea.... I forgot...

    Notable Notables

  • I had my favorite sub-teacher in Telecommunications III today. Mr. J, man.... is he a good guy. He's laid back and could care less what you do... as long as you stay on his good side.
  • My bud got a PIII 750Mhz laptop from Sony today. Really nice... I watched The Matrix on it in Telecom. Fun stuff.
  • Started The Chamber, good so far... but I'm only 20 pgs. in.
  • I'm in Computer Networking as I write this. HTTP Servers and IOS Image Booting today. I understand this though. Good stuff.

    Today was pretty nice... wonder about tomarrow though...

  • Class, Work, Class (Exam), Homework, Class, Food, Sleep.

    What I have to look forward to: Alice, the video game; writing a research paper on the Origin of Absurd Theatre; reconfiguring LILO; getting my sound card to work in Linux.

    Me and Bryon's co-op work of fiction was critiqued in class today. Most people didn't get it. :-( I guess it would be hard to get all billion pop culture and literary references that we had in there, and the themes were obtuse, but if the title of one section is Disorientation, do you think it's going to be an easy read? You're gonna have to work.

    My friend decided that going to the front door of my house rather than the side door was too much work last night, so I ended up staying up 'til 3:00 A.M. waiting for his sorry ass.

    Quote of the day: "Life is like music; it must be composed by ear, feeling, and instinct, not by rule." -- Samuel Butler

    The last six months have been, without a doubt, the best six months of my entire life. When I woke up this morning in tears from a dream I had, though, I knew it was over. For six months she was my light to help me crawl out of the dark, cold, uncaring unknown that I had lived in for almost my entire life. But now she's gone and I have nothing left but my self-pity and the darkness. But at least I can cry in the darkness without anybody seeing.

    We talked a lot, and I noticed that I had more in common with her than anybody else I had ever known. We had many similar thoughts and feelings. As if we were extensions of each others' souls. She gave me a light and I began to slowly crawl out of the dark. Though I tripped and stumbled along the way, she never turned away. She kept me from falling back into the darkness. And I never got to thank her.

    I've never been in love before, so I don't know what it feels like. But for about three months I have had this ache in my chest. On the left side. My heart? The doctors say it's nothing. Oh well. What the hell do doctors know.

    But now I am alone. It's not a foreign feeling by any means. I've felt it all my life. Though since I've known her, I had hoped I would never feel lonely again. That she would always be a shoulder for me to cry on and I would always be there for her. But she left, and with her left the light of my life. Now I brood in the darkness, more lost than ever before.

    I was going to go to college out there. I had just convinced my parents to send me all the way out to California, which was no easy task. I thought maybe I would get the chance to finally meet the face behind the words. But now it seems less and less feasible. We were going to take a trip to San Francisco to meet with a couple other noders, but I was the limiting factor. Not anymore I guess. It might have worked out in the perfect world. But this world is less than perfect. This world is hell. Welcome to my hell.

    The more I think about it, she is perfect in every way that matters to me. She was able to tear away the layers of cold indifference I had wrapped myself in for years. I was able to confide in her every little secret I had, serious or stupid, and it would seem so insignificant.

    And I was addicted. I was addicted to the way she made me laugh when I was sad. Addicted to the way she would calm me down when I panicked. Addicted to the things she said that really made me think. Addicted to the words we shared. Addicted to the person behind the words. Utterly and hopelessly addicted to this wonderful girl. And then I found out I wasn't alone in my thinking. Even in the darkness, sorrow, and despair I feel, for the rest of my life I will take comfort knowing that she was my light in the darkness and cold. She was the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. She was the beautiful rose petal in a bed of thorns. Good bye. I'll miss you. I'll always remember. Always.

    I'm bored. really really bored. this was day, um.. three? in my month off of school. 'cept for my math exam, which i can't help but fail. any of you goofs out there brilliant at first-year calculus, /msg me and we'll do a brain swap next week.

    but i'm bored. i am bored of tv, bored of the internet and the mindless babble it holds, bored of no one being there on icq, bored of everything. i'm bored of playing happy housewife and taking care of the people who live here and don't clean up after themselves. i vaccumed. it was gross.

    i could go out, christmas shop, but what's the point? that bores me too. i was gonna write long emails to people i owe them to, but they got short, 'cos i got, well, bored. i feel like a kid with ADHD. I have a few of the in my Beaver Colony. i can empathize with them, now more than ever.

    i slept all morning because i could, now i've got insomnia and i'm bored

    I find myself in surreal shades of washed-out, 1940's colorized war movie green, brown and grey. Slogging through months worth of emotional swamp. The rifle of my good intentions and friendship held above my head, covered in plastic. I have blisters on my feet, an ache in my belly and a runny nose I can't seem to shake.

    I think that this fiasco will be recorded in the annals of history as the Pain that Would Not End, or perhaps, One Grade-A Cluster Fuck. It's gotten to the point where I don't want to see any of them anymore. I don't hate them. Far from it, I love the big, dumb bastards! I'm just so fucking exhausted...I want it to be over, done with, goooone! I'm tired of looking at their forlorn, little, heartbroken faces. I'm tired of feeling guilty because I'm sad...ARG! I want everything back the way it was. I keep checking EBay for a magic wand, but no luck so far.

    I guess I'll just have to find myself a little foxhole and hide out there for a while. I'll keep my eyes to the horizon for the first glimmer of advancing reenforcements. I know they're out there somewhere, but they're sure takin' their sweet-ass time about it.

    Well, after several weeks anticipation and as many days waiting of bank-bothering, I finally get confirmation of my funds transfer from my new job with a dot.com firm located in Great Britain. This money, of course, will go to buy a new computer so that I may use the latest bloatware in order to perform a job which I feel will tax my graphic skills to the limit of my patience. My current system, a woefully overpowered Pentium 100, simply does not cut the mustard when it comes to paint shop pro and adobe illustrator, though the addition of a marginally used Voodoo2 card (purchased at Future Shop for a bargain price of $49.76 CDN) does do a certain justice to my Quake 1 addiction. So, soon, perhaps by Monday I will have my new computer. I intend to aim for a Duron-powered system, as my budget does not allow me the luxury of a Thunderbird. Hark, do I hear an Intel advocate in the distance, crowing about how I should be buying a Celeron, as it is a better deal? Bzzzzt, I have no time for you.

    On a lighter note, I burned my breakfast beyond edibility today, and have resorted to a pre-noon sustenance of pasta salad and broccoli. I'll be going to Metrotown later today, in order to purchase health insurance, even though I am Canadian, because the cost to me is laughable. More proof that the system works.


    Finally! I showed signs that I could wake up at 10!

    Regrettably I could't get up before 12, so that point was fairly rhetorical.

    To do today: Well, I should get my photos from the developing country (Several months worth of photos, looks like the dark part of the year is not a good time), and such.

    Time to face the challenges of the day...


    Got the pictures... Nothing particularly interesting, it seems, one cool 3D picture of Mikko the plush fox, photo of certain sort of emulation, Some coffee-related pictures for an art project or something, more landscapes, and such.

    Most pictures were sort of screwed, because the flash doesn't work at all. Well, GIMP exists just for situations like this =)

    Some system whine: Sodipodi seems cool, just that it has one kind of annoying thing: it crashes. Is Sketch the only well-working vector art program for Linux?

    Blender 2.0x is still not available as Debian package??? I had some dragon-related ideas last night, but couldn't realize them because I suck at 3D modelling in general...

    (I *thought* this was writeup was at +2 at some point, now at -1? OK, here's a hint for the tr0lLz: d0nT d00nW00t d31l0gz, d00dz!!!!1!!1!)


    Done bashing through a week's worth of new pictures in Velar... Hmm, what next?


    Got JavaCheddarbox to work in Mozilla. Kewl. I just hoped this Motif dependancy would be Dead.


    I played a "nice" game of Go against GNU Go. And I lost.

    I thought it was impossible to make a Go program that would beat humans. Well, I think I really suck at games... =)


    Argh. Hotmail commercials in TV.


    (***ng Mozilla lost this thing...)

    I wrote a new GIMP tutorial, but that just sucks.


    E-mail me if that's actually coherent enough for you to follow... I'll then make it much less coherent...

    I've never felt this lonely in my whole life. God I need a hug...

    Other day logs o' mine...

    Noded today by y.t.: Sodipodi

    Updated: LinuxFox (since "Cartoon characters I'd like to sleep with" was nuked =)

    back | days | forth

    I love you guys!

    So, I log back onto E2 after some retail therapy and I have 3 messages asking me why I haven't daylogged recently. Awww. I wub ewe all too!

    Why haven't I daylogged recently? Well, that is a tale. Well, actually, it isn't; I have been somehow incapable of typing anything this past week. Each time I try to compose anything, be it an email to my beloved, a daylog, or a webpage at work, I have just frozen up. I may type a few lines, or maybe a paragraph, but then I cannot put anything more onto the screen. I've gone through my normal reasons: I need a better keyboard at work, or that my screen needs to be bigger, but I really have no justification for not writing anything. It came to a head today, when I couldn't leave my house to go to work.

    I woke up at the normal time and tried to start my daily routine. But something was wrong because after my bath. (in which I stayed for well over an hour) I tried to get dressed and ready to leave the house, but it was as though I had been transported back in time about 4 years: I couldn't leave the house. After a road accident I was left with a long recuperation and a intermittently bad case of agoraphobia. Well, today it returned with a vengeance. I tried, I really tried to get my boots on and start the 45 minute walk to work, but instead I found myself phoning mark and telling him that I wouldn't be in today, I was sick and my leg was hurting. Well, that was a lie. How can I phone in sick and tell them that I am feeling too scared to leave the house?

    So, I made myself a large cup of tea, and sat down at the 'puter. As I logged on, my fiancee katyana was there. I really needed some TLC at this point in time. We talked, and via a rather twisted route, I admitted that I was scared to go outside.

    I will hazard a guess that noders who are in a relationship will recognise this: As soon as I told her my fears, they evaporated. I'm sorry if I am offending the miserable contingent of E2, but she has helped me to grow, even in the short time I have known her. Dana, I love you so much, thank you for being there today.

    So, still feeling a little weird, I went outside to see what the world was doing. I ended up at Currys, an electrical superstore and bought a new cordless phone to speak to my beloved with, and a new VCR that plays both US and UK VHS tapes. Of course, this means that I have some more debt, but curiously I don't care one wit. I am just happy to have left the house today. I look back on the times I would hide under the covers of my bed shaking with fear because I had to go to physiotherapy or had been invited to the cinema, I never, ever want to go through that kind of disability again.

    Hmm, so back to the point. Why haven't I noded recently? I have just been empty, devoid of interesting discourse. (if you can call the above interesting :-)

    I can only hope that I can get some work done tomorrow...

    it saddens me that of all the people i have tried to be for, all of the broken little humans, the one i want to help the most always seems so caught up in it all that nothing i can say ever sways him. that is why i don't say so much to you anymore.. i am not sorry i haven't been able to help, but only because i think what you need is to come to terms with yourself. it is probably something little floating in your head that holds you.. it is in the head of anyone who is mostly sane, or as sane as the universe might permit at any given moment.

    he will be here in nine days, nine leetle days.. christmas is swiftly approaching but there is very little to suggest such stuff in this house. no one is in any sort of christmas'y spirit, i guess it would help if any of us were religious or had money for present type things. heh i'm going to haul out christmas decorations at some point... today? maybe.. who knows. i need to clean my room, as well. i'll give that a little longer..

    i am not so sure as to why i even felt like daylogging.. nothing overly interesting. sorry aboot that. it's been snowing here though, so much snow, but the sun is out today and that at least is nice.

    nothin' ever left to leave you when you go..
    I am a stock market player. A stock market player who has recently started getting into some "high risk" ventures. This I must say has proven to be VERY lucrative. I like money, and that's what I'm making, so it's a good thing all around.

    Being a computer geek, I try to keep my stock interests in the field that I am around every waking moment of my life. This also has been lucrative. Now that there seems to be a clear winner in the election the market is making a strong come back. I have also been looking over other areas of investment. Cisco, Transmeta, Hewlett Packard, Dell, and Gateway are just a few of the ones I have been considering. My options are many, but my actual decisions will be few. If you have any ideas, I'd be glad to listen, if any of you others know something I don't.

    OTOH have you ever come to work and knew in the first few minutes that you were going to have a shitty day? I'm having that experience right now.... I hate that.

    My first day log...be gentle!

    Well, I guess that it could have been worse...I could have had my ship bombed by the Japanese or something like that...

    This would be day three of my nifty little illness. It is getting worse after I thought that I was finally kicking it. I have not been able to miss any work due to it, of course, since I had planned to take off Saturday so I can go to some little shindig for my boyfriend's dot.com, some kind of Christmas thing, where I have to pretend that I like people and possibly get very drunk just to mask the fact that there are other people there.

    I do not think that I was able to get more than 20 consecutive minutes of sleep at all last night. I wore my watch solely for that purpose - to see what time it is when I am waking up yet again/lying in bed staring at the ceiling/rolling over and annoying the significant other for the thirtieth time of the night. He got angry at me because I kept coughing and he told me to go into the bathroom and take some Robitussin. I took enough to make me want to puke and came back to bed. It didn't help. He didn't notice.

    I finally gave up at 6:00 in the morning. I got out of bed and into the shower. One hour later, I was in my badly-behaving car on the 30 minute commute to school. In between attempting to sing in my temporarily hoarse voice along to 764-HERO and praying to the road gods that my car make it all the way into town, the heater finally started working. One spot of brightness on such a day.

    Yes, I skipped my first class. Again. It was just final review anyway, and I am going to fail that one for sure. Instead I sat on the box over the air intake and read stories by Philip K. Dick all morning. Then I came to the computer lab and noded around for awhile.

    I have been up forever already and it is only 10:00 in the morning...here is to hoping that my brain will cooperate with me today and I will not convince myself that this cold is a terminal illness like I do every day, or that my car will not break down on the interstate, or that my manager does not yell at me because the people that I manage are stupid...I am doing all I can to keep this day as well from living in infamy.

    I'm 40 today. Woohoo! Now all you kids get off my porch!

    Seriously, I don't feel old or anything remotely like it. I dunno whether it's diet, genetics or right mindfulness but haven't been this psyched since I turned 21. Having an absolutely angelic baby may have something to do with it...

    So to all you who are nervous about the prospect, I say Fear Not.

    today's music: Brand X - Why Should I Lend You Mine (when you've broken yours off already)?


    Slept in this morning, went to work late. I had no idea it would take so long to download gcc from sunfreeware.com. I at least did a load of laundry last night though. I've still got about 3 loads I need to do. but for the time being, I'm wearing clean clothes, and that's probably a good thing.

    12:27 Over an hour to grab 8.5 MB. Wow.

    Meanwhile, I'm eating at my desk today, despite it being another beautiful day to eat outside. I guess I feel guilty for coming in so late.


    headache. Cannabis. Hunger.

    Okay, I may not be moving. (positive thoughts: I will, I will, I will.) I can easily afford my new apartment, but the landlord is concerned, because it's above the magical "30% of gross income" rule that all the credit guidelines seem to have conspired upon. Damnit, that assumes that the average person (a) has a car and (b) needs 15% of their income to discharge credit card debt. Maybe the average person does, but I don't. I sent him a good letter. I think it was a good letter. The building manager thought it was good. I hope that satisfies him; the apartment I want to switch to is pretty sweet. (hyuk hyuk, sweet, suite.. nevermind. shut up.)

    Everything I-Ching tells me to wait patiently and accept what comes, but the Wanderer gives me hope.

    I can't believe I'm consulting the Everything I-Ching. I'm so panicked up about this. I'm going to go meditate in the staff bathroom now.

    Maybe EDB will co-sign. He doesn't have any income, but he's pretty convincing.

    I'm about to fall over.

    No, really.

    The world is moving and I'm not. This might have to do with the all-nighter I just pulled in order to "perfect" a paper that I'm probably going to get a see on anyway. oh, I mean C.

    1 a.m.
    draft three. At least I'm starting with draft three, right? Ya, right. Now I have no thesis statement. Every time I sit down to write this stupid thing I think of something else relevant, or interesting to talk about.

    2 a.m.
    Who the hell writes about demons? I mean, really. An eight page paper on the demon characters of the Ramayana. What's worse, I've realized their all fixated three-year olds that just need a spanking. However, I just can't come right out and say this, Rama is, after all, the defender of dharma and knows what he's doing.

    2:39 a.m.
    I have an epiphany about my life... and it reduces me to tears. The same thing happens every year, I write a big paper, I get frustrated with a big paper, and then I bemoan the fact that I'm in love with a gay man/wasting my time trying to save a sinking ship/ Sing-song-y I'm gonna spend my whole life alone!. Whatever. My stability is a laughable concept right now.

    3:15 a.m.

    Screaming: A Perfect Sonnet Manic Street Preachers and The Sugarcubes. Okay, back to work.

    3:20 a.m.

    Using the chalk board in the student gov't office I outline my paper. I do an old show choir rountine to Call Me Al. I start to write my paper.

    4:30 a.m.
    Apple Juice Break

    6:30 a.m.
    We realize how long we've been working on this. And, I say we because I have a roommate who is in the same situation, and we're keeping each other up.
    7:30 a.m.
    Done. And in time for my roomie to go to work. You should feel for her, because she's only gotten around seven hours of sleep all week. She's decided to never take two lab classes in the same semester again. (She was up printing Monday and Tuesday).

    8 a.m.
    I give up and just go to bed.
    10:30 a.m.
    I can't stand it anymore, and get out of bed to print my silly paper.

    I log on and start noding. Class is in a hour, and it makes me nervous. But, it's one of my last three classes of the year (and it's my last class in this department) So, I will be free, FREE! in a matter of hours.
    Woke up and noded about my dream. I went to school because I had a big test. I was running late so I was driving 80 in a 55 and 40 mile per hour zone. At school I walked inside the building where I had my final exam for english. I walked around looking for a friend of mine Rosalie. As I walked around my ex-girlfriend and I spotted each other. She was talking to a friend of hers named Joel. We waved at each other and I walked on. Jealousy wrapped its slimy arms around my body but I shrugged him off, after I went to the bathroom and fixed myself up. I went back out and she was gone.

    I walked around some more and Rosalie came in to the building. We walked and talked for a while and finally went in to where we were supposed to take our test. During the test I realized that this is my last day with her. I turned in my test and hugged my teacher goodbye. For everyone else that went up to her to hug her she always stayed in her seat. When I went up there, she got up and hugged me, then sat back down. As I left she called me a cutie pie.

    I waited outside 3 minutes while Rosalie finished. We walked out talking some more, I know I'll miss her. Before she started walking off to her car I felt no guts to ask for her phone number because I enjoy spending time and talking with her. She starts walking to her car and said, "Have a nice day!" I yelled back, "Have a nice life!" She gives me a look as though she was saying, "I can't believe he just said that."

    I got in my car and drove home. On the way home my ex floods my thoughts. I cried as I listened to Sheryl Crow sing "My Favorite Mistake" and "Tomorrow Never Dies."

    I get home and log on to node about my day so far. I get IMed by a bunch of people so I am bothered as I do this. My best friend, whom I now call my lil' bro, IM's me about him asking some girl out. I gave him advice and he's on his way now.

    Juanell's daughter has been dropping by on some afternoons to talk about her moms impending death. We shared bowls of ice cream and long walks together. See October 20, 2000. I guess I thought of Juanell as a mother in many ways. Monday her daughter stopped me on the side of the road while I was out for my walk to tell me she was gone. She had passed peacefully and it was at first a relief to hear she was no longer suffering.....but then yesterday I began to really miss her. I met her when I was ill. We shared a lot in common. What brought us together were our illnesses. She had brain lesions which spread to her lungs.......and they were able to stop them for a time with chemotherapy and radiation, but they returned with a vengance and ravaged her, leaving her alert but unable to controll her body. It is a disease the doctors told us, that is inherited genetically and reveals it's ugly self when a person is exposed to a common virus. She was so heathly, watched what she ate, got plenty of excercise and how that held her back for so long, she did not die easily......that being so healthy. One year I was so ill and had wished to see Ebenezer at a nearby church for Christmas , she was there and made sure I got to go. It was hard work to take me there and bring me home. Leave early enough to get situated, Can you see...are we close enough? Didn't matter to me I was there!

    I've entered a time where I suddenly cry at some time or another. My heart is a great big bloated painful thing. I drive crying, eat crying, workout crying, even read a book crying stopping only occasionally to wipe my eyes so the words don't meld. It was hard to go to the gym. Juanell helped me get started there as a part of my rehab and Howard walked by to touch the top of my head as I sat on the mat and asked if I was alright. Consecrated grief

    I sent Juanell a card ...I knew it was a goodbye card I wouldn't be seeing her again. Understandably , she didn't want visitors, so I told her about how important her act of helping me start at the gym had been in my life,

    I was sick and you cared for me.(Matthew 25:36) I will remember you I wrote to her.

    Her daughter tells me Juanell was surpised to hear, the ministry of her act was unknown to her until then.

    She gave me a workbook once.....I was having trouble forgiving someone in my life. I worked and worked through that book.

    It focused on Psalm 119

    Highlight all the pronouns in yellow it instructed...so I did.....highlight nouns in blue...okay, there did that....God's verbs in pink.. yes did that, now what?

    I was eager to forgive thought I was doing the right thing you know.

    Underline the adjectives. oh okay..... What? This makes no sense....

    Who said that and what are they saying? Who are you talking to?

    Oh ho I was SO angry.......so ANGRY Slamming out the door I hurtled that book right in the garbage indignant bang that lid down. My body startled, astonished thoughts bolted around checking..... angry? ah yes but at who? God? Juanell?? The person who wrote the book??? My mind swam in a haze.

    My anger was sovereign, I began to see. Over the weeks the anger and I were together, this trait became more and more apparent. She refused to open her mouth for any purpose. She presided over herself with an iron tyranny. Her bones sought the surface as if she were proud of them. Her brown eyes burning fiercely, sank into her face loomed above her dwindling body as if trying to break free.

    And then late one tedious and tense afternoon, an afternoon where we sat across from each other so long and so immalleable, it seemed as if we would always be fast and motionless like this, I awakened to the idea that maybe she was trying to communicate. She seemed to be X-raying herself, peeling away the bark of her opaque flesh......unwrapping, squeezing out some terrible, oh such an intolerable thought out of the core of herself. Her whole body an apple about to spring through the skin.

    Why that was it! That's all it was!

    She was showing her structure very well, exposing the very composition of herself, making visible to the whole world the most basic anatomical unit of a self that would not be compromised, that owned a unbudging, inherent rigidity. Because without even personifying anger, it would still be clear that I was angry at the person I was trying to forgive.

    I confessed to Jaunell that I'd thrown out the book, how bad I felt about it and the realization about anger that I had reached.

    It's not after enlightenment that we find its true meaning, said Juanell. It is the trying to do something in itself that is enlightenment.

    You will go on Juanell because I will remember you.

    Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.
    -Psalm 119:105 (NRS)


    Coffee, American Spirits, Fresh Samantha Desperately Seeking C. Solid food is for suckers. Listening to the only good song (IMHO) by Van Morrison, T.B. Sheets. So I guess I find things to be mostly under control.

    But I would like to complain for a second about the herb who softlinked my node about the Chrysler Lebaron to the "avoid highly subjective nodes" node. Listen you dildo, I have read that node before and what I wrote is not on the list to be avoided. It's not a list of my favorite foods or a me too node or a getting to know you node. It's a jokey little node about whatever it's about. You wanna impress me then /msg me and kick my ass, I love to learn. But of course it's safer to softlink and avoid discussion right? Besides which you might as well softlink half the nodes In the DB under this undestanding

    Ok . Thank Allah I didn't node a node about softlinking to that node.

    Is there an E2 clique I can join that hates noding about noding? We could go around softlinking to insulting nodes about that.
    Subtitle of the Day: Fashion, Human and Otherwise

    I go to to a poetry reading at the nearby university. The reading is held in a sterile little room with track lighting that fades every poet nearly to oblivion. They are all, well, adequate when it comes to style and technique and craft. Our applause is perfectly polite.

    The final reader is a slim, tall, freshman girl, garbed in knee-high dominatrix boots with six-inch heels, rainbow-striped leg warmers, a houndstooth miniskirt with "ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER HERE" scrawled in red Magic Marker over her crotch, and a raggedy red turtleneck. Her hair is dishwater blonde with black roots, and she wears no makeup, just a flush from the wind. She has a reedy voice that hums with the rhythm of her words, and she is the most talented of any of them.

    Halfway through her rather long piece on sex and photography and cigarettes, the door in the back of the room creaks open. Immediately, the drool-inducing smell of hot, fresh pizza wafts into the room. I turn and look and see an abashed and bewildered delivery boy standing apologetically in the doorway. "Wrong room ," he mouths, and turns to go, but the girl's voice latches onto him and he just stops, transfixed. When she is finished, and the applause rises up, he carefully sets down the pizza and joins in.

    On a related and less serious note, I was walking along downtown today, about fifty feet behind a stylishly dressed young woman and her equally stylish little ankle-biting dog. It was some sort of miniature poodle, trotting along at her booted heels, and she had dressed it in a knitted sweater and matching pants, I guess to protect it from the cold. While they paused at the corner to wait for the light to change, the dog assumed the position, squatting over the curb. Horrified, the girl began to shriek "He's peeing! He's peeing! No! Stop it! Bad dog!" She was worried about him staining his outfit. All I could do was laugh. This is why dogs don't wear clothes, people, so they can pee wherever the hell they want. Leave the poor thing alone.

    The alarm goes off, and it's one of those very few days that I'm not the one that has to get up first. My SO has to work days on Thursdays, so up and into the shower. I don't doze back off, but just lay there, thinking about the wonderful night last night with our argument on the phone.

    She gets out, and tells me she feels horrible. Really sick. Sounds it even. Something about nausea, sore throat, and the like. But one of those types that never wants to call in sick, and I insist.

    Questions about whether I'm upset, angry about last night, and I do my usual and try not to be, to be happy and cheerful to keep from upsetting her, cause that's just somehow what I've done forever. And I manage to get out the door to work somehow while keeping her convinced.

    A check of my web e-mail addy from work, and see a message from adoxograph about the party that I doubt I'll be going to anyways, and see that the ride sure won't work out. Well, that solves that whole issue.

    I sit and contemplate the hours of conversation on IRC with masukomi, and the phone calls, and the arguments, and really start to think. Then I really start to feel like something is fundamentally wrong with my relationship. I decide I'm not going to ignore it, bury it, for once.

    Lunch comes around, I go home as usual, and after a little while, after I have most of my lunch eaten, I kinda bring it all up. Tears come really quick, and I hear the anger in the voice. It feels like one thing after another I'm told that I'm just interpreting things wrong, that it's really not that way. How I don't communicate enough, which I know isn't my greatest point, but I do need an incentive sometimes - upset if I don't, and with many things upset if I do.

    Calling my therapist to try and make an appointment for tonite, we need someone else to help. Is we codependent or not? I think so, I think there are problems, but I appear to be the only one. I almost feel like I'm being told I'm making the problems by saying that I feel there are some.

    Fuck. No other way to say how I feel.

    And the party comes up again. How I should meet these people one on one first, in a public place, before doing something like going to someone's place for a party. Why sure, that won't be difficult, I always meet everyone one on one in public places before being around them anywhere else. No, that's not crossing the line into paranoia. Or am I just not cautious enough?


    Therapist calls right when I'm ready to leave. Appointment at 7. Good. Things never get as mean there, I always express myself better there. But now I feel like I'll just be going in to say how I feel which is all apparently just misinterpreting things.


    Oh yeah, and I did have to mention that maybe I wanted to meet these people because I've liked interacting with them, and maybe it would be nice to have friends somewhere in this entire fucking metro area for once? It's not like I'm great at that, I barely even talk to my coworkers, and I'm sure they all think it's because I don't want to talk to them, and not because I'm seriously fucking shy and really wish I knew how to change that.

    Oh, and did I mention that I really don't think I like my job, but lack any clue as to what I want to do, so that I don't even know how to go about improving things? That being a housewife sounds about the most enjoyable thing I could be, and I find that lack of aspiration really pitiful?

    And I wonder if I'm finding my way back into depression again, and I really hope not.


    I think I'll try working now. If I can find anything to do.

    No working coming, I don't think I have the mindset for it now. I dont think I could work if i knew exactly what I should be doing. Instead, I sit here and wonder if I've started giving up too much information, if anyone really wants to know this much about me and my life. I doubt it.

    When I was driving to work yesterday, I crossed the lower deck of the Marquam Bridge and the light hit my windshield in a certain way that amazed me. It was like the glass was liquid and I could put my hand through it. I could grab the cars in front of me and toss them around like toys. Then, I came around a bend, the light changed, and it was my dirty windshield in front of me again.

    I haven't been on E2 much lately, mostly because I have been very busy at work. We have had servers going down like crazy, and that means that lots of angry people call me. Not too much has been going on in my life anyway, except for the one major event that happened about a week ago.

    My boyfriend asked me to marry him.

    I said yes. :)

    So, I'm getting married sometime next year. We will be setting dates and making more specific plans when he is done with teaching classes for the term. I am really happy and excited. This is the best Christmas present I could ever ask for. Hopefully, we will be married and in our own house by next Christmas.

    There isn't much else to say. The weekend should be pretty good and its almost here. Hopefully, I will be able to node more in the coming weeks.

    Of Phone Support and Cat Litter

    Today was a rather typical day at the office. I am not really in technical support any longer, but until our support office in Germany opens, a few of us take phone calls on Mondays and Thursdays. This is fine, but I was really not in the mood to talk to customers, as I had so many loose ends to wrap up from previous research. And, of course, I had the important task of failing to get our CEO's overly cute USB mouse to work with his laptop (running Linux).

    While on the phones, I talked to this poor gentleman for the 12th time in the last few weeks. He is an incredibally patient man, if not clueless. At first I found him and his iBook very trying, but he has earned my respect, simply due to his willingness to make mistakes and learn from them. For a person not very familiar with Linux, he is trying his with all of his might to install it on an entirely (officially) unsupported machine. I agreed to help him, on a whim, a few weeks ago. I have almost never regretted any decision more. Together, we have worked and worked on getting his machine running with a combination of my own research, emails back and forth, and telephone conversations. I have his registration code memorized.

    Today was wonderful, because after this man's 4th re-installation, following all of my directions, (and adding a couple other experiments) he called me up to thank me for my help and to let me know that everything was working perfectly. It is the best feeling in the world to be appreciated by a random person who you don't really know. It made my day much better.

    After going through hell on the phones and writing some much needed documentation, I realized I still had the keys to the company car. (Insert evil grin here.) This was a perfect opportunity to buy an economy-sized bag of cat litter, a big bag of cat food, some cats (not really), a sandwich, and some guitar picks. I also topped off the petrol in the company car. I did this because I can then claim the 112 Miles I drove the car yesterday, on an expense report at $0.325 a mile, and make some money off of the deal. (I do realize what a sneaky person I am.)

    I am now looking forward to going home and cleaning out the litter box. Perhaps I will drink some Guinness while I am at it. Cat litter plus Guinness can make for a wild and unique evening!

    I have to get things reasonabally prepared and cleaned, as I will be off to Santa Cruz to see the Mermen and Estradasphere at Palookaville tomorrow evening. It should be a pretty fun weekend. I get to spend it with a wonderful man, so I am not complaining at all.

    10:30 PM

    Just got back from an hour and a half at the gym. I think I'm completely drained of ATP now. It was hard to even drag myself up the stairs to my apartment.

    Today was a good day. I woke up without a single mash of the snooze button, got ready for work quickly, and had a fairly good (though mostly unproductive) day. I'm over the flu vacceine, so my energy level is back again.

    A bunch of us "progs" (what we call our little group at work, short for programmers) headed out to the Old School Bread Store for lunch. They make awesome sandwiches. I don't know what's in their bread, but it's sure addictive. We ate outside, and I wound up sitting in the direct sunlight for an hour. My skin is a little red, but I'm suprised I don't have sunburn. It was nice being outside, but I need to find a good pair of sunglasses that will work over my existing perscription glasses.

    Sometimes I think I might have a small touch of Irlen Syndrome. I'm always in dark rooms. I prefer all of the lights off at work. I have configured my web browser to force *all* web pages to have a black background with white text, since most sites use the opposite. I must have sunglasses on sunny days or I will get a migraine, and even with sunglasses I still squint.

    I can't believe tomorrow is Friday already. I need to start planning what I'm going to do with my weekend. I'm not going to waste it like last weekend. I've got some stuff I need to do during the week too, but I keep putting it off.

    I was reading some more about MRAM today. I can't wait for it to come out. It sounds like a great technology that would change a lot of fundamentals in our operating systems. We could finally merge the storage of memory and disk space into one continuious unit. Imagine the speed increase, especially since the hard drive is the primary bottleneck in most computers today. It's still a few years away, but I'm seeing many articles about it now. And it's being developed by IBM, who seems to be on the right track these days. I'm also looking forward to FMD discs, which seem to be getting more and more press these days.

    I'm going to go have some food. I think I'll try to get to sleep early tonight so I can get started early tomorrow. I might even try to go to the gym tomorrow morning, I dunno.

    1:17 AM

    I went on a noding roll tonight for some reason. I guess there was a lot of news today about spintronic-related developments, so I filled in a nodes about them. I did writeups on MRAM, FMD, nonvolatile, spintronics, and electron spin. They're informative nodes, so they probably won't get voted up much, but at least I got some decent writeups written. I haven't done too many writeups since I started my daylogs, but I should probably node some more science stuff as I come across it.

    Well, it's getting late and I want to at least have a chance of getting up early, so I'm going to sleep.

    Gonna go find my mother.

    Seriously, I'm not scared this time. The time is now, to face possibly my biggest fear. I have this crazy reversed Big Bang Theory. By Monday, I had spread out as far as I could, reaching out my fingers and grasping at nothing in particuliar, and obviously coming up empty handed.

    Now I feel everything being drawn back into me, becoming centralized, concentrated. Is it that I know more of who I am, or just where it is I am going? Does it matter?

    I have spent my whole life chasing after people in order to find myself, but I have to face myself, in all of it's ugly selfishness in order to find what it is that makes me. The best way I can see to do this is to find out WHO made me.

    Off on yet another adventure, and this time I can't take anyone with me. I don't want anyone with me, though, because for once, this only involves me. So, wish me luck, I need every once of strength you can lend. I promise to give it back.

    Ficus, thanks for taking the time to pat me on the back, I had almost forgotten what that felt like.

    Is there a single solitary person I'm not fighting with? Have I just built up so much fucking burning anger that I can't keep my tongue in my head, or my fingers from beating the shit out of these keys? I want this to go down on my record that I don't give a shit if you're impressed . I have had it with pretty much all of you. So you finally found where my buttons are, you've pushed 'em, now what do you want, a medal? Keep the medal, and just lose me for a while, because that is obviously your intent. Yeah, keep up with your demands, they will not be fulfilled. I can only be so much to so many, and you don't even appreciate it when I give it. I didn't ask for appreciation, I asked for patience and to be a part of your lives. You can't extend a kind word from where you stand, like I'm some kind of pariah? Thank you so much for showing me the limitations of even my true friends. So no phone calls, no /msgs, no words of advice or worry. Carry your own weight for a while and realize how trivial our problems are and how little time we all have together. Buck up and sing your own sad songs......I am walking out of earshot. Make up your minds to make yourselves important, like I have always seen you guys. But don't you dare think of giving me shit.

    Today was a good day.

    Things I Have Learned to Do in My Sleep

    Somehow, over many years of practice I have learned how to turn of the alarm clock in my sleep. This is very bad for morning lecture. I have now missed it three out of the last four times.

    I was too tired to care, evidently. Oh well, I got up in plenty of time for my next class.


    Yesturday, which I did not node, I had a minor spat with my girlfriend. She is very religious. I am not. I think most religion is misplaced in its values, at least in America so I choose not to participate.

    I guess I feel as though she is always trying to do the Christian thing and save my soul by converting me to see the errors of my barbaric ways. Actually, all she tried to do this time was to ask me what Christmas was to me. I snapped at her and told her that I thought Christmas was nothing more than a consumer-fed marketing orgy. It only gets worse from there...

    She told me she would like me better if I was as religious as she was. I told her I will never visit another church or synagogue for the rest of my life unless they ship my ashes to one by mistake.

    Today we made up. That was good. It may be a superficial ploy to get me to help her with her Physics homework...but as usual I could care less.

    An Engineer's Work is Never Done

    Work went well. I am finally beginning to get set on the task I was hired to do.

    What? Tell you about it?? No way! This is secret start up stuff!!

    Field Trip!

    We all knocked off work early today so we could go across the street to tour the Ford plant. It was pretty neat. I was dissapointed that I couldn't take pictures inside the plant, however: there were lots of pretty sparks shooting around.

    One of my co-workers has a strange problem, he attracts bogons. Everything breaks around him. We expected nothing less than pure hell to unleash when he set foot inside of that plant.

    I was standing next to him, and we were mocking the 1970's era PLC equpiment used to control the spot welding robots when a hugh spray of sparks hit him square in the face. They didn't hurt or burn his clothing; but they did leave him covered in a fine covering of oxidized metal shavings. He called them his bogons in flight. I had never seen a bogon before!

    Trust Issues

    I ate dinner with my dad tonight. He made Marrakech chicken. An Arab influenced dish. Imagine a sort of cumin, orange, spice flavor on chicken. Very...interesting.

    Anyway, the meat of out conversation was that he determined that he broke up with his last girlfriend because she was secretly trying to get pregnant without his consent. That's a no-no as far as I am concerned. Scary!

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