The
alarm goes off, and it's one of those very few days that I'm not the
one that has to get up first. My SO has to work
days on
Thursdays, so up and into the shower. I don't doze back off, but just lay there, thinking about the
wonderful night last night with our argument on the
phone.
She gets out, and tells me she feels horrible. Really sick. Sounds it even. Something about nausea, sore throat, and the like. But one of those types that never wants to call in sick, and I insist.
Questions about whether I'm upset, angry about last night, and I do my usual and try not to be, to be happy and cheerful to keep from upsetting her, cause that's just somehow what I've done forever. And I manage to get out the door to work somehow while keeping her convinced.
A check of my web e-mail addy from work, and see a message from adoxograph about the party that I doubt I'll be going to anyways, and see that the ride sure won't work out. Well, that solves that whole issue.
I sit and contemplate the hours of conversation on IRC with masukomi, and the phone calls, and the arguments, and really start to think. Then I really start to feel like something is fundamentally wrong with my relationship. I decide I'm not going to ignore it, bury it, for once.
Lunch comes around, I go home as usual, and after a little while, after I have most of my lunch eaten, I kinda bring it all up. Tears come really quick, and I hear the anger in the voice. It feels like one thing after another I'm told that I'm just interpreting things wrong, that it's really not that way. How I don't communicate enough, which I know isn't my greatest point, but I do need an incentive sometimes - upset if I don't, and with many things upset if I do.
Calling my therapist to try and make an appointment for tonite, we need someone else to help. Is we codependent or not? I think so, I think there are problems, but I appear to be the only one. I almost feel like I'm being told I'm making the problems by saying that I feel there are some.
Fuck. No other way to say how I feel.
And the party comes up again. How I should meet these people one on one first, in a public place, before doing something like going to someone's place for a party. Why sure, that won't be difficult, I always meet everyone one on one in public places before being around them anywhere else. No, that's not crossing the line into paranoia. Or am I just not cautious enough?
Fuck.
Therapist calls right when I'm ready to leave. Appointment at 7. Good. Things never get as mean there, I always express myself better there. But now I feel like I'll just be going in to say how I feel which is all apparently just misinterpreting things.
Fuck.
Oh yeah, and I did have to mention that maybe I wanted to meet these people because I've liked interacting with them, and maybe it would be nice to have friends somewhere in this entire fucking metro area for once? It's not like I'm great at that, I barely even talk to my coworkers, and I'm sure they all think it's because I don't want to talk to them, and not because I'm seriously fucking shy and really wish I knew how to change that.
Oh, and did I mention that I really don't think I like my job, but lack any clue as to what I want to do, so that I don't even know how to go about improving things? That being a housewife sounds about the most enjoyable thing I could be, and I find that lack of aspiration really pitiful?
And I wonder if I'm finding my way back into depression again, and I really hope not.
Fuck.
I think I'll try working now. If I can find anything to do.
No working coming, I don't think I have the mindset for it now. I dont think I could work if i knew exactly what I should be doing. Instead, I sit here and wonder if I've started giving up too much information, if anyone really wants to know this much about me and my life. I doubt it.