Of all the tricks and excuses I've heard, this is the only one that I use. It has worked every time and it has worked for others. Consider it a sacred tradition, passed down through word of mouth from one person to the next, all in the name of Damning the Man.
This is truly how to get out of a ticket.
I don't often speed but I do get pulled over a lot (although not recently.) It's usually for running a red light but it's has also been for driving drunk (I wasn't actually drunk at the time, I'm just a bad driver.) I tend to rock out too much to the music and watch the people more than the road. This attracts the attention of John Q. Lawman.
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Here is what you say:
"I'm sorry, officer, I have diarrhea."
Now, it's up to you to be convincing. It's up to you, to go the distance. You might have to actually shit your own pants to avoid the ticket. If you had my track record (seen above) you probably would (can you imagine if I had been ticketed every time.)
The Key: Be convincing. This should include restlessness and pained looks. Clutch your stomach but don't be melodramatic. Offer for him to follow you and give you the ticket when you get home just, please God, let me get home so I don't ruin these seats.
Why it works: Two reasons.
1- Everyone can relate to it. Even cops, know the feeling of eating too many cherries and having to squeal your tires so you don't wreck shop in your trousers. Whether it's food poisoning, the flu or just too much greasy food, the officer's heart will soften.
2- No one wants that on their (metaphorical) hands. If you shit your pants and he didn't let you use the bathroom after you specifically told him your condition, he can be in a lot of trouble. Cops are constantly under scrutiny for their behavior and the one that just pulled you over does not want to have to answer to anyone as to why someone in his custody shat themselves. It's bad business.