In my New American
Webster Handy
College Dictionary, the word unrequited isn't given its own definition, but the word
requite is:
repay (either good or evil); recompense; retaliate.
So I would assume that while we often determine unrequited love as love that isn't returned at all, I would define it as love that cannot or will not be returned to the degree that it is sent out, therefore it is not real love, or at least, the love that is true, ideal. If you would allow this to also be true of unrequited love, then I would say that even the one real relationship I have had, and every attempt thereafter, has been love of this kind. Even now, I am struggling with love that cannot be returned to me, but it is more supposed that it is because I ended the relationship's definition and therefore upset the balance that would have potentially given birth to true love rather than the other person's inability to return it that is seen as the culprit.
My ex could not return my love. He wanted to keep all these little parts of himself secret from me, and he could not trust me nor those close to him. He lived his life in a front of feigned confidence and control. He kept that front up even for me, for reasons even now I cannot say I know with certainty. Even if my love didn't know what it wanted, he was still unable to return it, so we were both mistaken.
The hardest thing about unrequited love is that you cannot remedy it. You cannot beat it into submission with logic, emotions, or the facts. Even the person you are dating and have made confessions of mutual love has the potential to not be able to return your love to the degree that you send it out, and the pain of this realization is enough to keep you up at night, staring at the ceiling, almost on the verge of tears but hot with anger and frustration. Then the little inquisitors start up:
Why can't you just love me back?
Why can't you love me with half the devotion of my dearest friends?
Why can't you just show it?
What are you so scared of?
Why can't you love me as much as I love you?
What is wrong with me that you can't love me back?
If you can't, why do I let you stay in my life?
The most painful response to the desire for love returned is not rejection, my friends, but confusion, indifference, anxiety, indecision, silence. It would be more tolerable if that person hated you than if (s)he didn't know or didn't care either way, for at least hatred is a raw emotion, it is something you can pinpoint and dissect, something you know and understand. A shrug, raised eyebrows, arms held up in defeat. These are the things that can tear you heart out, when you have sent out love as best you can and it is not returned with a tenth of the intensity. It is the very definition of lukewarm, deserving only to be spit out of your mouth, and instead, you let it linger, because your heart is tangled up in it, and cannot let it go.