So I read Reactions from Clampe's students.
How novel. How revolutionary. How I want to respond so badly every fiber of my being is vibrating in unison.
1. Did you message a new noder in the past 10 days? If so, how well do you think you introduced them to the site?
Yes. I messaged someone informing them that their writing style made me want to stab myself in the eye with my own dick. I also told said user that if they wanted to entertain someone with a deluge of mentally-masturbatorial psychobabble, that perhaps Wikipedia was more up their alley. Or their ass. Then again, their ass, their face, their alley, what’s the difference?
I think that this was perhaps the most brilliant prose constructed by humanity in the last ten thousand years. (With the exception of certain works by Hunter S. Thompson and some columns written by Brock Yates for Car and Driver in the late 1980's. Maybe Oedipus, too. No wait, that other butthole, Ovid.)
I am clearly a fucking genius.
2. Did you receive any replies or messages from new users of the site? How many? What were they generally about? What was your reaction to getting contacted by these users?
No. I think the sheer weight of my acerbic wit combined with my clear aptitude in the field of Extreme Profanity for Advanced Fucking Users may have intimidated the person. I did get one other message from someone else informing me that my three-year-old hunch that their username is a French synonym for “orgasm” was, in fact, correct.
Again, more evidence of my general smartiness.
As far as getting contacted by those users is concerned, I felt pretty good because it meant I learned something from watching all that foreign porn on IFC while on duty late at night.
3. How did you do with communication in general? What were your reactions to their comments?
I think I managed to convey my thoughts very effectively. After all, a significant amount of time and taxpayer dollars have been expended to train me in the fine art of constructing a grammatically correct sentence consisting entirely of invectives, obscenity, and particles.
My reaction to what comments? Chickenshit never sent me a message back, so I consigned the entire interaction to the giant shitcan in the back of my brain.
Some other things that have gone into the shitcan, in case you’re interested:
- The reason why Howard Dean exploded on the launch pad.
- The McGriddle
- Your Mom
- Sobriety
- The collected works of John Steinbeck
- Why it is that I cannot shoot a precision approach in a P-3C into NAS North Island in FS2004 without overshooting the radial by about half a mile every time.
- Drama concerning how editorships are handed out, and drama concerning politics on our little slice of heaven, and drama concerning the drama over some drama drama. Whatever. If your life is so shallow that you get your panties in a twist over a website to the point where you’re ready to punch your own ticket, buy a dog.
- Did you see that bird? It was fucking HUEG like XBOX!
- I need more coffee.
4. What kinds of things did you learn about helping new users out? How much content of theirs did you read before messaging them and what impression did you form about them?
I found out that if you’re going to expect a reply back from people, perhaps…
“Fucking let me fucking tell you fucking something fucking what about fucking noding, you fucking fuck.”
…is not the most effective and pleasant way of introducing yourself to the incoming noder. Or some such thing as that.
As for the second part of this question, I skimmed through the titles. They made me want to start watching Tyra Banks while eating Ding Dongs and whining about the mole on my calf. And by that I mean I can’t train the thing to stay in the little saddle for more than ten minutes at a stretch, and how am I going to win at America’s Funniest Home Videos otherwise? Pray tell.
5. What did you think about new users and how they fit into the concept of E2?
Wait, what?
6. Why do you think they come to this site?
I have no fucking clue. Like, really. Are you wearing shoes? Why or why not? What are shoes, anyway? Did you know that I spelled ‘crux’ during a game of Scrabble on my cell phone the other day on a triple word score for 63 MOTHERFUCKING POINTS? CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT? SEE HOW I BARE MY SOUL TO YOU E2? I’M SO HUMAN AYN RAND GOES THROUGH MY GARBAGE TO SEE WHAT MY CATS ARE EATING.
Could you repeat the question? I went to public school.
7. Why do you think they leave?
Because the calculus around here oscillates between being driven by Russian Roulette and natural selection.
In all seriousness, E2 is as fucked up as a football bat. The documentation sucks somewhat, but that is part of the experience. It isn’t easy because it isn’t meant to be easy. So we appear to be a site full of cantankerous and pretentious pedant English majors. So fucking what?
I’m not an English major, and as a matter of fact no one I know (personally) on this site is, either.
We are however, human. We have a personality, with likes and dislikes.
Everyone is different, Everything2 is different. If everyone on this planet was the same we’d be an episode of Star Trek or something. My point here is you don’t make friends with everyone. Just like Josef Stalin, George W. Bush, Al Gore, and Mr. Rogers all have people that go all gooey at the very mention of their names, there is another set that is lining up to piss on their graves.
Deal with it, bitches.
8. Where do you want E2 to go?
Denny’s and then The Morrigan’s in the honch in Yokosuka. I’m fucking starving, and we can be loaded in two hours if Ami-chan is working.
She’ll give us the free beer. She digs us, you know.
Edit:
To the fucks downvoting this: Enter yourself in a sausage swallowing contest. I made Level 5 off this cow. Ho. Ho. Ho. I've got all the XP in the world to burn.
Edit 2:
To the individuals who got this far: Parody.