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Once, a few years ago at a quasi-neo-pagan-shamanistic weekend gather I attended, there was a men’s ritual, of sorts. It didn’t involve naked males peeing on trees, or beating on drums and crying... It was more like a support-group workshop, I suppose, or a philosophy class, where we debated the nature of men in modern society, and our place in it.

At the end, there was a cup passed around, full of honey wine. Somewhere along the line, before it got passed to me, everyone was toasting before they took a drink. ‘To children’ and ‘to love’ and ‘to women’ and maybe even cars, I think. When it reached me, I paused, opened my mouth, and toasted to the notion that no one has to grow up, if they don’t want to.

I think my hair was in a mohawk that day, two feet tall and reds and yellows and white.


I spent some time at Karla’s house with Jes, last night. I almost enjoyed myself, actually.

It’s not that I don’t like Karla, or Aun, or Allison, or anyone else who was there... It’s just that very little happens when they all get together. They sit around, and watch each other play video games, most of the time.

I turned off the TV, shortly after I got there. Reached over, turned it off, and within ten minutes we had a fairly interesting conversation going.

Secretly, I really enjoy their company sometimes, especially Gav. Most of the time, that is.

I was talking to Rose on the phone, a day or two ago, and she was talking about her trips back to Ottawa, to visit. She had an interesting observation on the whole social circle, really. She said that when she got back into town, and she went to Elgin Street Diner, everyone was still there, in the exact same seats she left them in.

And it’s true. Not one word of an exaggeration. Not that it’s any of my business if that’s what they wanna do.

I just wonder if any of them really enjoy it anymore.


According to lore, when Jes met Orbit, he gave her a warning about me. “Don’t worry about Jairus, he’s an elitist bastard. He’ll ignore you for a while, and then decide if he wants to talk to you.”

I suppose I would be offended, if there weren’t some truth in it.

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Time: Tue, 14 Nov 2000 00:20:57 GMT
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JeffMagnus node of the day: Everything 2 Civil War

Today has been a good day. I found out for sure that the ghost of herpes past is in fact nothing but a figment of my imagination, and I am plagued only by the ghost of rugburn present. It was, however, quite the dramatic ordeal.

I got home and went to sleep until 8:00 am, when the Planned Parenthood clinic opened. I called, and made an appointment. I told the clinician my story, and asked if genital herpes could just hang out and incubate for 2 years. She said it could... I made an appointment for 2:45 pm and tried to go back to sleep. I dreamt horrible dreams, and then woke up at quarter to two. I cleaned up, and started to call my boyfriend, then hung up the phone. I figured no sense in getting him all riled up as well. I put my phone down and there was a knock at the door. It was him. As soon as I opened the door to let him in, I started crying uncontrollably. He was understandably disturbed by my behavior. I explained what was going on, and he was perfect, completely calm, and told me he loved me.

We went to the clinic together, and I explained my symptoms, and the weekend activity to the doctor. She looked around at my parts, and I showed her my little rashy bits. She felt around my bits, and then gently squeezed where my legs meet my pelvis in the front - I guess there are lymph nodes there - and declared me a victim of nothing worse than rugburn. I was incredibly happy. She told me to lay off the corn starch and wear loose clothes, and invest in some lubricant. Considering the possible outcome, today was a hella good day, and I learned about what herpes would actually look like.

Five Things I Am Thankful For Today:
healthy reproductive organs
taco bell 7 layer burritos
having diarrhea instead of vomiting as a side effect of the flu
my cake assed job
the level of composure and understanding exhibited by my boyfriend while I insisted that I probably gave him herpes

13 years of school and 3 years of university finally completed - 16 whole years of my life for a degree...

...I gotta go drink me some Guinness!

later... alcohol good!

Argh - I said I wouldn't do this because I know someone else on E2 in Real Life.

This has now escalated to two people. Unfortunate - it wasn't on purpose!

Well I want to say stuff anyway - it's on a topic that is much debated on E2, and no - I don't mean gun control.

I mean...

geek girls(tm)

So... there's this girl who used to work at a club I go to every week. Saw her there all the time, thought she was *quite* nice. Nothing special though. I know some of the staff at this club what with being a regular, and have bumped into them on the street in central London from time to time.

Bumped into this girl, let's call her Mary, and another member of staff the other day. Mary was wearing much cooler stuff this time, rather than the Cyberdog stuff she usually wears clubbing. Call me shallow, but anyway, she definitely looked better. She was also wearing her glasses, and we all know about girls with glasses.

Then she opened her mouth. As well as being considerably more articulate than your average member of bar-staff, she had an awesome accent. It was precise, and yet lilted in a strangely Scandinavian way. I'm not some accent fetishist freak, but it definitely did something. So know I'm thinking she's gorgeous. She has an awesome figure, wicked pink, anime-esque hair, and just the right amount of piercings. And of course a pretty face and she knows it.

Fast-forward to Sunday night - most of the staff at this club, Mary included, live together quite near me, and I was invited to a party at their place. I went with one of my house-mates, a bloke called Andrew. Andrew gets all the girls. You know the type, right? I got talking to Mary at the party, just briefly, and she seemed interested in the fact I was a student - a good sign - maybe she was interested in more than just looks....?
After this party Andrew and I are discussing Mary and both agree she is very very nice, but even Andrew reckons she is out of his league - let alone mine. Beware - daylog does not have a happy ending :)

So, on to today. This is a daylog, right?
Went out tonight, clubbing as usual (it's good being a student), not the place Mary works, just my regular Monday night. (Yes, yes it's Tuesday's daylog but it's still Monday night now to me). The whole load of staff from the other club are there, Mary included. Cool I think to myself, at least I get some eye-candy :). She happens to be with some guy who is the spitting-image of Andrew. Dammit! If he doesn't get all the girls, his doppleganger's do. See them kissing. Bastard.

Then, miraculously, she comes and talks to me. I get the impression she isn't going out with that guy, just wants some fun tonight. She asks me about my university course again, and compliments me on my glasses. I am taking computer science. This doesn't usually impress the chicks, but she thought it was cool. She told me she was doing Electrical Engineering at a university near mine. This was a lie, she was doing some polytechnicy watered-down media-version of that course - she actually seemed embarassed she was doing such a dilute course. She said she wanted to be a TV/film producer or director, but realised that she had little chance of getting to do that. I told her my ambition of being a computer game designer and the equally low chance of it being realised. Instead of the normal derisory snort at this, she actually thought it was cool, and said that she was doing a multi-player game project as her 3rd year project instead of a dissertation. So not only is she fantastically enchantingly good-looking, but she is also slightly geeky. Argh. She is as good dancer too. Almost as good as me :).

My flirting skills being what they are (far below zero), I didn't say much else to her, deciding that feigning disinterest is far safer than any other attempts, especially since she was with this other bloke. And she wasn't exactly being warm towards me apart from our little chat anyway.

So that's it then. I found out where she works and a friend of mine who knows her much better than I says she is going to drag me down there when we are 'shopping', so I'll see her reaction then. I'm not exactly holding my breath though - she is still way out of my league and so I refuse to make the mistake of getting fixated.

Watch, or not, this space.

back | days | forth

I know that I am beautiful and pretty, ethereal and magical to you; please forgive me if I sometimes have crushingly low self esteem We're the subjects of bougereau's The Abduction of Psyche, we're the couple lying in the shade of van gogh's la meridienne...

There was magic in the cold mists of this november tuesday morning; clear skies above shrouded trees and fields. I saw centaurs and satyrs with their breath steaming, hiding behind the trees near my house. The faeries and pixies were a little too sleepy in this cold weather; they hadn't cleared up the dew and frosted dust from my garden this morning. The few leaves that remain on my virginia creeper are fading from their previous brilliant scarlet, leaving the bright yellow climbing jasmine as the main focus of my garden. The fences are dark and wet, still soaked and assaulted by the recent storms and winds; they are a good backdrop to the muted colours of winter...

What am I doing sitting at a computer in work when there is so much beautiful nature just yards away?


I can't believe I missed E2's birthday.
How was the party? Any cake left? Or did EDB eat it all?

It is so annoying to have a million things to node with all the enthusiasm required for the job but no time. The deadline is closing in fast, work is piling up on me like a massive avalanche and the boss makes sure I am never left for 5 minutes without some good old ball-busting. I hope I can manage to submit at least some of the stuff I've been wanting to do when I get home. But sitting here for 8 hours with no lunch and 5 hours of sleep, I'll most likely just crash to my bed immediately.

You know you should quit your job when it starts taking away time from your noding.
But unfortunately I can't.

Time to get back to PHP before I get more complaints from the man.


Been relaxing with the help of a warm shower, white wine from Chile,some salmon and Sushi 3003. And I can still drift off into the dream world for a while before an another crappy workday.
The weekend should be longer.

Random Tidbits:


So did I wake up at 7?


When did I really wake up?

11 o'clock.

This studying period is a killer, I tell you, a real killer. I Wasn't Built For This, you know... I'm just a creature of the night or something... =)


Now I've seen everything. I saw a newbie who had the Internet on their computer. =)


Heh, configuring dynamic IP stuff for ipchains was piece of cake and a gigantic matter of programming (11 lines of Perl - "gigantic" because a "small matter of programming" would imply 100 lines for equal stuff... =)

The only bad thing is that gfcc (a GUI tool that generates firewall-setup Bash script) has no idea about "execute a script to figure out what's the IP addy" thing... Byebye, gfcc!

I also have released an "alpha" version of YiffCam (hideous mess of Perl that acts as a web cam), it's available at my home page...


Sometimes, the situation is hopeless.

- Paranoia (the RPG)

No way I'm going to make through tomorrow. But hey, losing one day of studies isn't bad, right?

I hope it won't become a habit... =)

Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: RFC 1: Host software

Updated: batmud coffeefox

The Election: you know, I tried not to say anything to anyone about the election, but I'm so sick and tired of people saying something along the lines of the situation in Florida proves that every vote counts. That's a bullshit statement. First and foremost, if Bush wins Florida, Gore still have more of the popular vote. But Bush wins. YOUR VOTE ONLY COUNTS, IN THE BIG SCHEME OF THINGS, IF YOU VOTE THE SAME WAY AS THE MAJORITY OF THE PEOPLE IN YOUR STATE. OTHERWISE, YOU MAY AS WELL HAVE NOT VOTED.

Let me start with this: By policy, I do NOT vote for the president.
  1. I feel that I have more input with my local officials. I write probably 5 - 10 letters in an average month to my local officials explaining how I feel about certain issues and how I feel they should vote on certain issues. I am carefully selective of my votes for local officials. This country being a representative democracy, the local officials are the next step up in the hierarchy. The congressman from my district is the person elected to represent me and those who live in my area. That is, essentially, our voice.
  2. I do not feel obligated to choose between the lesser of several evils -- and this has been my take on the past elections in which I have had the option to vote. I am NOT unAmerican because I won't chose one. It's like lining up Spam and some generic Spam-like products and asking someone to pick which one should get a 4-star rating. Although one brand might be better than all the others, that doesn't make it good or worthy. (Yes, I am using Spam as a metaphor for the presidency)
  3. And then, of course, there's the good old electoral college. It's an idea which made sense in the days before big-money and big-media campaigning. The modern electoral college has wound up defining the campaigning 'weight' of each state. Living in Maryland, no presidential candidate ever came to my neighbourhood to ask for my vote.
I've had to jusitfy my beliefs to far too many people (and I shouldn't -- I am comfortable with them... unfortunately my hackles are raised at being called a bad American) and so I keep them in a holster ready to be aimed and fired if need be. BOOM! BOOM! And I'm not asking anyone to do-what-I-do. I'm just asking that I be allowed to vote my concience (even if that means abstaining). Because when I do that, it doesn't match your vote mean I'm stupid or un-American. That's just your piss-poor way of explaining why I don't agree with you. And of course, you are the smartest person anywhere ever, right? So I must be wrong.

So, back to the election -- I'm glad to see it is waking people up to how the electoral college works. 4 years ago, few people really had any idea what it was and how it works, and now it's a poll question on cnn.com "should the electoral college be eliminated?" I am absolutely, 100%, all for (and gung-ho enthusiastic) about the American population being more educated (even if they're only finding education because they're whiney bitches whose candidate may, or may not, win. they are disgruntled with it when it doesn't work for them despite the fact that it has worked the same way for the past 200 years).

What really bugs me about the situation is that the people who are running for high office are filing law suits about the election results and how they're being handled in Florida. Even without knowing who won or lost, they BOTH seem like sore losers.
Now. In all honesty I have republican leanings. I am registered republican. I feel that my money is my money to do with as I wish. I do not want to support the social programs which are multiplying like maggots in an open wound (1. In many cases I am not eligible to participate in said programs, 2. In most cases, I feel that the social programs are run inefficiently and, for the most part, do not work, and 3. I wholeheartedly believe in personal responsibility, and when that doesn't work out it's time to eat some humble pie and accept charity -- which shouldn't be provided by the government). If I had an option on my tax forms as to which programs I wanted to support, I'd be fine -- I just want a choice. I don't want to support welfare. I don't feel I should be forced to contribute to the support of a young mother who decides she should have 14 children on a minimum wage salary.

Call it lack of compassion. I don't mind. I think of it as making people take responsibility. I don't think the government of this country owes anyone anything except the promise of a protected national border (Two exceptions: The government and Americans owe those who have fought for them in yhe course of military service. The government and Americans owe the dependents of those who have fought and died for them in the course of military service). And I bet a LOT of you agree with how I feel, but just don't quite know it. Here's an example:
A woman on the street holds up a sign that says "I decided to have 8 children while earning $5.15/hour, please give me money" would you actually give her money?
I wouldn't. I know more people who wouldn't that who would. But the government does.

But even that aside, I have a pretty firm belief in "If someone wants to do something and it isn't hurting you...DON'T BE A FUCKING DICK". Go smoke crack. Go have 14 babies. But don't cry about it when it doesn't work out for you. I won't bother you, you don't bother me. Simple.

These are my primary disagreements with this election. With politics and the government as they function today. Thank you for the blessed daylog, which (in my opinion) is really the best place for discussion on personal feelings about elections and other newsworthy events (hint, hint).
Another night of twelve plus hours of sleep. I think I am paying my body back for too many years of existing on less sleep on the average week. The fun part was having all of those dreams. If you give yourself enough time to sleep your subconscious can really stretch out and give you the epic dream life that you actually deserve. Since I'm sure that no one here will ever get that much sleep, just forget I said anything.

I am finally in winter mode. I even busted out the thermals so all my pants feel really tight. In another week or so I'll be able to resist screaming the first time my bare feet hit the hardwood every morning. The cats have become sleepy automatons - aimlessly drifting from one heating vent to another. I had to evict on of the little monsters from my room because she was actually draped over the single vent and absorbing all the hot air. I was amazed at how hot she was when I picked her up. Evil.

I found out today that I will be making at least one trip to Washington DC this summer. A friend of Yoon's from high school is getting married. Ever notice that as you get older weddings and funerals become one of the few things that will actually get you out of town? Ever notice that if you purposely evade your high school alumni you will somehow get sucked into the high school circle of your SO? Anyhow, I'm looking forward to DC even if it means another wedding.

I had a philosophy exam this morning already. I have made up my mind to actually try to make a formal complaint about the professor with his department. I talked to a few other folks in that class and they also feel like he's doing a terrible job of teaching the class and that his exams are full of ambigous questions. The really lame part is that he made fun of students who bought the textbook. I need to go to a better college. I think that this place will eventually make me stupid or, at very least, very bitter.

Note To My Personal Troll: In your daily downvote spree you neglected my write up All Through A Life. I would appreciate immediate rectification. Thank you for your interest.

Dad had some minor surgery to remove some skin cancer. All went well for him, still awaiting the results. He did say off the record that he had the occasion to meet with an Aid to one of the State Senator's who said that Gore has been ensuring that Russia receives money after Congress stopped it and that this news is being witheld from the media until the election results are final because the news will most likely end Gore's political career. This remains to be seen....

Jimmy called yesterday, I don't know who it is. She wanted to know how I was...I was stunned into silence having no idea who this was. Flipping desperately through my address book as she talked, there was no one there by that name. Questions rattled through my mind.

Where do I know her from? How much does she know about me? What did I tell her?

She said she had been thinking about me a lot this week. (What was she thinking?) I could only stammer into the phone I was fine, doing well...awkward silences loomed between her questions as I scrambled my brains to try and grab some flicker of recgonition....nothing...absolutely nothing came to mind.

I asked hubby and the boys thay have no idea, I read through my journals, but no one there named Jimmy. They stop suddenly in the fall of '95 and don't start up again until sometime in '98. What was I doing then? What happened?

I begin to think I've accepted it all. Events that grab me out of the past always leave me startled and wondering who I was when I knew them. Surely there must be a reason for this loss, I only wish someone could tell me why.

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah.
Psalm 46:1-3 (KJV)


I, liha, on this 14th day of the 11th month do declare in E2's most beloved daylogs that I am not bisexual, I don't fully appreciate the glories of the freeziepop, and I am uninspired as to what to node. Censored porn is funny, so is one of my bones. Heh. I like anons, I like to new people, I like arguing my opinion, I like discussing the facts, I also enjoy bitching. I call my cats my pussies. I like things that glow, I never grew up. I aspire to light my farts, swim without a care, properly and effectively mix a beat. I miss lost friends, dead cats, and my grandpop's foccacia. And my vibrator is bright fucking pink.

I've realised that the feeling of vague irritation that takes hold of me every time I look at a particular woman in my kung fu class is in fact lust. She's so beautiful, this one; her skin is the colour of milky coffee and flawless. She invariably wears a pair of trousers slung so low around her slim golden hips they're practically falling off; between those and the hem of her t-shirt is a lot of skin. I find it hard to take my eyes off the small of her back, hard to stop the train of thought that starts with my fingers brushing the silky skin of her perfectly curved belly. She moves with grace but for all her delicacy she's strong: the muscles of her arms are well-defined. She looks newly turned out of some perfect mould... I'm not the only one, I see the way the men watch her too. I feel like a bit of a pervert, but the feeling is pleasant. Does she know the effect she has, I wonder? At some times she seems supremely self-aware, at others entirely innocent. There is a sweetness to her; I hope she can keep it.

c'mon just leave nobody's even gonna know you're even gone, get
up and walk out to your car and drive away, all you need's your
toothbrush and fifty bucks, you could be in Montreal in five or
six hours, having a                      beer and finally using
some of the five or  I'm having trouble  so years of french you
took in school from    concentrating     Ms. Michopolous, until
she dropped dead in        today.        the hall outside class
after first period,                      remember that? because
your job is killing you the same way, draining you of every bit
of life and love and joy and if you don't get out now you might
as well be dead because you sure as HELL aren't living anymore.


Oh hell yeah.
I got it today, and yes I was right, to all who thought I was wrong it has been available in my neighborhood ever since I moved there 4 months ago. It simply was not registered in their machine that it was done.

I will be spending all my time this evening setting up the computers in my house to run off this device.

High-bandwith means happiness in TaintedTexeese.

Life is good...

Woke up from a crazy dream and decided to skip work in the morning without calling. I had a bad throat ache from the previous night of screaming while playing basketball. I logged onto e2 and noded about my dream. I registered for class on the internet and decided to go to school because a) I had a test and b) an essay was due.

Running a little later than usual, I sped to school. Almost got stopped by a cop but luckily dashed into different streets. I get to class and realize that I had not read an essay for the test so I cursed and read as fast as possible. I have not had supplies for over 3 weeks so I borrow paper and a pencil from my friend Roach. We take the test which was pretty simple and split into groups to talk about the 3 essays that we had to read for the test. My friend Roach and I mess around the entire time laughing about the dumbest things and get in trouble with the teacher. Class ends and Roach and I walk around and I tell her about my dream. She says, "Sucks that it didn't end huh?"

Went home with a friend and ate while watching Toy Story. While driving my friend to his house we had to stop for a train. I looked at the taggings on the different cargos and laughed. Took my friend to his house and went to an old school that was the rival of mine in Middle School. I talked to the principal about getting a job and she said she'd call me.

Came home and wrote one of the best nodes I have written so far. Then I chatted on iRC and stabbed people to death. And now I am writing this node of my day as of now.
Long day. Long Weekend. Long everything.

An Uncle of mine died last week. The funeral was on Sunday. My family couldn't go. Too long to drive, too expensive to fly. In January My mom and I are going to have to drive out, though, to pick up some things. It didn't really hit me until today. I was walking to class listening to Polly Jean's cover of Is that all there is? and I just burst into tears. This is all there is. But, I wasn't crying because this sucks, on the contrary, I felt very lucky.
Family is a complicated thing, at least for me, I have no reason to assume it's different for other people. You could say that he was the creepy uncle that no one ever talked about. I was too young to remember, but his marriage broke up over an issue of domestic violence. Which is to say, he was violent with his children. One of whom has no contact with the family whatsoever. (Which is sad, because she is the other geek girl in the family.) However, that's not how I remember him. He used to always come and visit at Christmas with his Father. He liked brussel sprouts and classic movies. I think the first time I saw Casablanca (well, the first twenty minutes of it, I fell asleep) was with him in our living room. When I think of Christmas, that is one of the first things that pop into my head. He hasn't visited since Grandpa died, and we've moved, but that's still a very powerful memory for me. He will be missed.
I should have known better than to wear the heels that make me four inches taller on the day after the first hard frost.

6:00 a.m.

Walking to work because the buses don't run that early.

The street is black, the air is so cold it burns. The dead grass between the sidewalk and the road sparkles like subdued and earthbound fireworks.

I'm newly in love, do you understand, I don't see anything, I don't know anything. I'm dressed to kill- short skirt, a sweater that's slightly clingy and v-necked enough to be tantalizing , and, of course, the fuck me shoes- for a man who only sees me from the waist up, from the other side of a counter. I'm a fool.

Overnight the puddles have turned to skating rinks. My hands are jammed in my pockets, my head is tucked down against the wind, which has come screaming down from Hudson Bay with the fury of a woman scorned.

In so many ways, I'm a fool.

I don't even see it coming. One second I am vertical and oblivious to anything but my own self-absorbed thoughts; the next I am horizontal on the pavement, face down and tangled in my scarf and hair.

The pain hits my ribs first, and then the palms of my hands. Disoriented by the fall, I barely notice the blood on the black ice.

More drops spill from my nose, and then I feel it start to sheet down the back of my throat, and now, hours later, I can still taste it, a little bit of copper, a little bit of salt, a little bit of something undefinable.

I get to my feet, precariously. My balance is ruined. There's no one around, so at least I'm spared some embarassment, but in my indignity I feel even more alienated. Having fumbled a tissue out of my purse, I start walking again, cautiously, like an old woman, but the rest of the trip is uneventful.

All day long I feel delicate, and imagine that if anyone touches me, I will start to bleed.

I normally don't do this... but...

screw it.

It's my birthday. My 24th fucking birthday. And I feel old.

I don't even know why I feel old. I'm young, I still have an active sex life, I still love everything about how I deal with life... except I don't.

I learn things too quickly. I grasp concepts anywhere between 3 and 10 years before I'm supposed to. I understand far too much of the universe that I'm finding myself living in (which, arguably, is not necessarily the same as the universe that you, the reader, live in), and I'm wondering what more I'll be exposed to, what more I can learn.

I feel old, dammit. And I don't know what I lost, I don't know what I gained, that I don't feel young.

00:06 GMT

Today, I woke up early and went to see Kawana before going to work. I wanted to make sure she would be there Friday, since I may have mistakenly said last Friday. I think that's when I'll ask her to come with me to the christmas party. My friends will be there with me then, so I think it'll be a lot easier to ask.

She had her hair down, but part of it tied up in small white bows. She looked so beautiful. We talked for a while and I took the opportunity to ask her some personal questions. I found out that we both grew up when our parents didn't have much money. We both don't like milk, except for cereal or other foods that require it (whole milk is gross). She was born in Florida and is going to college nearby. She told me her full name; her friends usually call her by her middle name. She likes jazz music to help her go to sleep, and enjoys dance/techno music at other times.

I only stayed for about two hours, and then I had to get to work. I love how I can still smell her perfume throughout the day (even now)...

Nothing too interesting happening at work. We had our monthly birthday party, there were nine people this month (which is higher than usual). Guess this month is nine months from Valentine's day, eh? Some racoons were out back getting into the dumpster, and later on the fire alarm started beeping, but other than that it was a fairly mediocre workday.

I have to go to the grocery store soon. I don't really want to go tonight since my Gym orientation is tomorrow and they may suggest something that I will need to pick up anyway. Maybe I should just pick up some food on the way home tonight and go to the store tomorrow.

I really hate going to the grocery store. Someone explained somewhere why it is annoying to go to the grocery store: You go in, and grab the food off of the shelf, put it into your cart. Then you take the food out of your cart and put it onto the checkout conveyor belt. Then the food gets put into bags, which get put back into the cart. Then you go out to your car, take the bags out of the cart and put them into your car. Drive home. Next you drag the bags into your house, then finally you take the food items out of the bags and put them away. That's like 6 steps! There's got to be a better way. I'm so tired of having to take care of food procurement.

Why can't we all just get food through the plumbing like we get water? I know. Don't answer. It's a stupid question.

I'll wait until tomorrow to get groceries.

What a difference a day makes...

Wow. I certainly didn't see that comming... The two of us just seemed to 'click' or something. Even though she's the roomate of the one I'm persuing half-assedly, we just . . . 'clicked'. It's kinda ironic, I guess. It happens all the time in my life too. My fear of rejection usually causes me to get closer not to the one I'm interested in, but her friend(s). I just hope this doesn't turn out bad - as things usually do in this department...

What now? "Things are gonna be interesting tommorow," indeed. How can I persue a relationship with her best friend? I can't, really. Time to realign my priorities and dissassociate emotional attachments. This should be "interesting" for sure.

Work? Oh shit, I have a job don't I... Time to get off my ass and show up for it. I'm not exactly the most self-motivated individual, but we'll see if this helps out. Hope it will.

One more thing... Bank of America is probably going to reimburse me - and then some - for what got stolen from me in front of their bank. w00t. Time for me to get a lawyer, eh?

hurt in his eyes...
hurt in her eyes...
hurt in his eyes as well...
and here I am on the outside looking in with guts all twisted up like freakish balloon animals. I want to cry, not for myself but for the three of them. I've not seen a single tear, but they're there hiding out somewhere. I want it all to be over, I want the carefree joy that came before. I want to forget, that in a very roundabout way, I am responsible for all of this.

If only I had never introduced any of them!

My own bullshit problems are left at the wayside and I sit up at night and try to think of what I could have done and can do to make it right again.

Where's my magic button? The bright red one with RESET written on it in block letters...the one that makes it all go away and gives me my friends back. The way that they used to be.

Even smiles aren't good anymore. They're strained, they think that they're putting on a good front, but even the smiles hurt. Stretched a little too wide, a bit too much joviality about them. It sounds hokey, but the smile never reaches their eyes, they look tired. No, scratch that, exhausted!


I'm so fucking tired of it! I want it to be okay...please somebody make it okay. Give me my friends back, so I can stop crying for them and just be with them.

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