To tell you the truth, it has a weird, purplish hue to it. However, it does not taste like purple.
Hi, I am your friend Behr, i.e. Berhardt Goats, husband to Trixie Goats. Today, I am presenting to you a product you can enjoy in the privacy of your own home while in quarantine. Excellent news.
My friend, and by connection your friend as well, Sproghan Wheatley is back on the scene. You will recall that he discovered the prehensile activity button in 1867. This is the button on the human body that you can push really hard on and the body of the individual will quote unquote "spaz out like you read about" (in the modern parlance). Ibid. Bodily fluids go into the cannister and then can be poured out emphatically. We do not need the false science of science to tell us this. In fact, as we grow as a civilization by rejecting science and mathematics completely as we have done, we see progress. Real progress. The kind you read about.
This brings me to the topic. But first, let me discuss what I tried to do for Lenny the Clown. Now, many people reject Lenny because of the bodily worms that tunnel in and out of his upper layers of skin and sometimes into the soft tissue beneath. His disinterest in washing, which only serves the liberal elite, and this infestation with bodily worms of all kinds has led to a shunning by the people. I have taken note of lonely children on their birthday due to the virus. And I have tried my best to force them to take Lenny the Clown into their homes for clown fun. No dice. At least not yet. Lenny is cool.
However, I need to make money, even in times of civil unrest and I have to turn to business models of old. I have created and introduced a product onto the market. This product is a pizza that tastes exactly like Gwyneth Paltrow.
In order to create this much needed taste sensation that billions of Americans are squacking for at this time, I have had to go to great lengths to create a "real experience" for the pizza lover. I have spent hours inside of the homes and places of business of Gwyneth Paltrow and I have produced true taste and aroma sensations that you will come to appreciate for their depth and breadth. Amazing work I did on this. And now, one of these pizzas can be yours for $70. Toppings are extra. Let us now talk about those.
The sauce is a perfect blend of her heart and spirit taking a journey through the cheese of her udder utterances. This combination, complete with a crust that tastes exactly like her bones (I've had a sampling) creates the perfect palate pleasing sensations mortal men have longed for since the beginning of time when The Holy Bible was written by Aristotle and Newmeyer.
Sproghan Wheatley, whose activities you now fully endorse, was involved in this. As you remember, he spoke at great length for decades about the prehensile activity button and what pushing it can do to a person. I don't think we've discussed this brave man enough in the context of this essay.
What kind of toppings do you want on your Gwyneth Paltrow flavored pizza and how many can you keep down? This is the question I now pose unto you.
This is why I appreciate the kind of friendship we have. It is special. It is deeper with me than with you other friends, you know. Our relationship is serious and that is okay.
Now, the toppings you choose. To make me choose for you means we have an unheathly dynamic in our relationship. You do understand relationship dynamics, don't you? Pretty much have to be an asshole not to and still pursue high level friendships with your social betters, i.e. Friend Behr.
There are meat toppings, which are made to taste like different parts of Gwyneth Paltrow's oddly bronze tinted body. Other toppings involve vegetables so that we can weed out and kill those who eat vegetables because these are, as they said in the 1970s when everything was perfect for everyone, "bad apples" and if you let those bad apples in the bunch, they will turn the punch rancid. This is clearly stated in the second chapter of Gebbels Bainbridge's 1954 text, as we can clearly see.
In The Hindenlawmer Prophesies, published in 1984 by Random House, we learned a lot about the early workings of the Industrial Revolution. This led to the writing of the cartoon Iron Man in the 1950s and later there were movies made in which, oddly enough, Gwyneth Paltrow was involved but has no memory of being involved. I think this is shown in Letters and Berrymeade, 1882.
So, your choice of Gwyneth Paltrow flavored meats on your pizza will, in many ways, reflect upon who you are as a person. The items are listed on the menu. Please send your check to General Delivery, Utica, New York. I will pick up mail there on Monday.
Some of the toppings do taste like ass. This is only occasionally on purpose. Many of the smoked pork meats are flavored that way. Please make a note of it if you are not the kind of person who generally eats ass.
So many things feel wrong about what I have said today, but for the life of me I cannot figure out what any of them are.