I’ve read other submissions on this site and admit I have neither the descriptive talent nor general writing ability of many others. This causes me to be extremely blunt.
Today was one of the most painfully frustrating days. When all the little things just go wrong and seem to be vital to turning the day around. So whilst gorging myself on chocolate to get a temporary high I rant, attempting to rid myself of all the guilt and disappointment. I’m not looking for sympathy, just needing somewhere to let it go.
And so it begins.
Got bad marks at school. Bottom of the class. The first year I try, it’s not working out as expected. That hurts. Trying to take it all in my stride but this time my legs don’t seem long enough. Being told it’s not so bad doesn’t help especially in the condescending tone of “you’re pretty much retarded”. Joking more and more about slitting my wrists, as the option slowly becomes more and more appealing.
Lunch. Got blue fucking zooper dooper in my hair and on my face making me feel disgusting the rest of the day. Almost started crying right then and there. Everything was going wrong for me and I guess I didn’t want to invade the others perfect day. Left lunch early. Cried in the bathroom.
After school. Went into a department store and got my bag checked. Hated having to take out all my books and then, as usual, having something embarrassing at the bottom like a pack of tampons. I’m not actually stealing today, so how about you check out the shady guy wearing a massive fucking trench coat.
The worst thing that happened however, is seeing friends who like me, are unable to express their feelings of sadness, whether it be pride or simple fear of reaction. The hiding behind smiles, when it’s obvious something is wrong. I’m unable to reach out and help, or be helped which I know is an insufficient excuse.
My reason for this is simple. Obnoxiously strong minded I perceive asking for help as a weakness. And if by chance I open up, telling my fears I feel extremely vulnerable, unsafe even. Then the inevitable action of me pushing them away begins. And so it is simply pride that causes me to continue to hold in all issues, whether it is simply dropping my books everywhere in a busy corridor or the fractured relationship with my father for all my inadequacies.
Today was just a bad day.