I am leaving today for NYC! Manhattan to be precise. Just two days, but my first ever business trip - some one is paying for me to ride a train and sleep in a hotel bed. Woo -hoo! How cool. I feel like shit, have a bad cold that no medicine can touch. My nose is red. Yesterday I cleaned my room, rearranged the furniture so it was more (I hope) attuned to Feng Shui. I have my computer and desk and bookcase in one corner and my bed and candles and stones in the other half of the room. I could barely sleep; I think the medicine, the excitement, and the cold. Hope it isn't the rearranging. I was finally ready to go to bed and realized that I am leaving tomorrow and have to pack tonight! Yikes! But I had clean clothes.
My thoughts and feelings kept returning on the multiple instances of men abusing me sexually in my teen years. So awful, those years. I am amazed that I got through them and still manage to love specific men. I really don't like men in the generic sense because of these things that happened to me. It hurts so bad - and my loss is so great. Now I remember all of the details of each instance, and the pain is intrinsic to the memory, instead of standing off in a corner by itself.
I have to feel the sadness, and go through the woods again. I can't just dismiss the memories, even though they are years old. I have to feel the feelings, or they will haunt me forever. I want to live - I want to feel the joy in my life again. The happiness and euphoria of friends and silliness, and making love freely. I had that two weeks ago - now all is deadwood.