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Saint Valentine's Day. Rememberance over the death of the saint who cared for the sick and the poor.

On the more mundane side of things, I am looking to upgrade the redundant Internet connection. Currently the size difference between the two (main to redundant ratio) is 32:1 - not good enough. I am looking to propose an upgrade to a ratio of 2:1 and make use of a resource by selling off the bandwidth whilst it isn't being used.

I discovered Front Line Forces last night before the gym. I liked it. I liked it so much I almost committed the cardinal sin - welching on gym. I had the phone, in the crook of my shoulder, with the number 99% dialled - and I thought "It's just a fscking game!" - I even thought fsck. I went to the gym - see below. But afterwards, in my 1/2 hour cooldown, I played like a man inspired. I was a god. I reached nirvana of FPS. I love it. Now all I have to do is find out a way to decide between CounterStrike and FLF. Decisions, decisions.

Oh, and I can do 135kg leg presses. Sure, my legs are like jelly today, but it feels good to be able to do more than double your gym partner when they have been going to the gym for 3 years and you for 6 weeks...

My hellish weekend is receding from my being like a nightmare fading away. The events of the weekend are still resonating around my place of employment like the hum of a Tibetan bell. My metaphors are coming out as fruity as jaypea's infamous Frooty Frooty Muffins.


St Valentine's day. Gemma and I have been together for 12 years, and I'm very happy to wish for another 12. I gave her the new Sade CD last night, and I recieved a funky e-card of two peanuts dancing and smooching. I think I got the better of the exchange! She's started a new job today, so it's just me and Molly in the home office. I must take some time out later to think of a really nice meal to cook for her tonight.


So I called a headhunter. I'm not paid enough at this current job for the responsibility I carry and the ahem awesome strategy I provide. IBM here I come, ready or not.


I was intrigued to read some postings from the Whiz-Bang Atlanta Party on the weekend last, so I tracked down the photos of the weekend. What fun to see actual pictures of everythingians! I've been pondering E2's evolution, with what seems to me to be an increasing number of IRL get-togethers. I'm thinking of organising one for .au nodists in late March, have compiled a list of 8 or 10 locals to invite....


Yay! I don't have to go to the stupid industry group board meeting in Queensland tomorrow. I was roped-into giving a talk on the new Aussie online privacy legislation by my boss (who's on the board), but couldn't understand the connection to this particular group. And he's no bloody use, being an unashamed "big-picture man" /me chuckles. So I had a chat with the exec director of the group and we both agreed that my boss is either on drugs or should seriously consider getting onto drugs. So, I'm off the hook. Another two days at home rescued from the embers!


The best thing about Cow of Doom's online E2 Node Tracker, for me, is that I can see which of my writeups have been downvoted. I like following the link back to the downvoted writeup and doing some better work to improve it. I'm feeling a sense of satisfaction when I find that many downvotes I attract are justified, and that it's in my power to rectify writeups that suck. Kudos to the contributors to the various E2 Node Tracker projects.

For those who've not seen it, check it out! http://cowofdoom.com/e2info.shtml. The trick is to log-in, check out your results, and then click the update button to clear those results. Next time you log into the Node Tracker, you'll get the latest ups and downs on your nodage. At least that's how I'm using it.

The commute home from work tonight was amazing.

As someone who has lived in Northern California his entire life, snow is an exotic, beautiful substance seen only on vacations, TV or in Ansel Adams photographs -- never at home. Imagine my delight to find the very mountains I look at every day blanketed in a thick snowfall!

I was sitting in traffic, miserable, when I merged onto highway 280, which faces towards Mount Hamilton and the foothills of east San Jose. Instead of the usual drab brownish-green hills, the horizon was like a beautiful scene made in Bryce. As I worked my way home through the gentle ebbs and swells of traffic, I was scarcely aware of the brakelights as I took in the magnificence looming on the horizon. I wondered if everyone else was in as much awe as I was. I really wanted to roll down my window, point, and yell to everyone, "Look! Look!"

I think a lot of subtle forms of beauty are lost on people, but what goes through the minds of the masses when they're bludgeoned over the head with something so amazing?

Blargh!. Aloha.
Read a few books in the last couple of weeks. Just a short summary and "feelings" about each. In the order of being read.
  • Ender's Game - very well written book. I enjoyed it, but it wasn't the "ooh" and the "aah" that everyone told me it would be. Still it was very entertaining. And the fights, heh brought my childhood back all over again. Go for this one I say.
  • Speaker for the Dead - eh..what can i say. I expected more..honestly. This book was bordering on boring. It's sort of continuation of Ender's Game. The characters are the same (Ender and his sis) but the acent is on completely different things. There are apparently few more books in this series, but I don't think I'll come back to them any time soon. Awesome, absolutely incredibly stories that shook me Tunesmith and Eye for an eye. Btw the author is Orson Scott Card.
  • A suggestion from my friend, i picked up The wheel of time series by Robert Jordan. Man! The first book was The eye of the world. I was immedeatly pulled in. Rand al'Thor, Perrin and Mat travelling, saving the world from Dark one, having trouble with women. Excellent story-telling - but nothing new. Trollocs and Fades. Saidar and Saidin. Anyhow I tore through three books in less then a week. The first one was as I mentioned "The eye of the world". The second one is Great hunt. Third one (finished yesterday) is Dragon reborn. I must admit that the will to read the series is sort of winding down, and I have trouble believing that the story can be exciting for 10 books! But, I'll deal with my duties first before i can go back to reading. Then we'll find out.

Can I just say that people around here are assholes?

Go ahead, fuckers, downvote this. And then if I say something about it, maybe I can get Borged again. Ooh! Ooh! Can I? Can I?

This is my 4th day here. I think that makes me among the newest of the newbies. And I'm really really trying. I haven't written up anything that I think is crap, I went and read all the Everything University shit, and I was just confused why some people felt the need to downvote my Dreamlog... Or a summary I wrote about a Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode. I didn't plagiarize anything. I tried to make the summary amusing, and if I failed, or if you just hate Buffy, then DONT FUCKING READ IT.

Anyways, I posted a blurb to E2 Mentoring Sign-Up saying that I'd really like a mentor so I can ask them about stuff like that (why my stuff gets downvoted and how I can make it better) and guess what?? Some fucker downvoted that too!

And then when I say something about it, I get Borged.

Now, don't get me wrong, I know every online community has rules and customs and traditions. But I just don't have a lot of respect for a community where the main custom is "drive the newbies away".

So why am I still here?

Who knows.... My day was a strange combination of fantastic and terrible, and I think I needed to vent. So here I am, venting at a bunch of people who really only want to see if they can get me to leave... Wow.. Good work, guys.

"Hire a teenager while they still know everything."

A piece of bumper sticker wisdom. I never quite understood why teenagers got so much flak for knowing everything...

In my high school years, I was convinced that I had made wise decisions. I was pleased with myself. Above all, I saw myself as a person with above-average intelligence.

I didn't do as well in my history and government classes as my others in high school. This was because I was simply not as interested in these classes. Why? I was convinced that history doesn't matter. All history is is the collection of events that happened before. A war here. Some disagreement here. Whatever. It's all the same. It doesn't directly affect my life. My day-to-day happenings won't change because of what I do or don't know what happened 250 years ago.

Same thing with government. What does it matter? Our government works. Other people take care of these things. I don't have a voice. Our system is too big for any one person to make a difference. It won't matter whether I know a thing about it or not. Once again, it doesn't affect my life on a daily basis.

What was I interested in? Math. Science. Things that I could use to change the world. Subjects that were exact. Not nearly as much room for error as the humanities. Come to think of it.. I never had much of an interest in English, either. But I never had reasons for that. Never could rationalize it. But what did it matter? Hardly any guys liked English.

Even though I didn't believe in much, the few convictions I did have I believed in blindly. I believed that the death penalty should never be used. Why? The right to life is vital. That's it. End of story. Now, I do not want to examine the pros and cons of the death penalty in this writing. I concede that each side has extremely good and compelling arguments. My point is as follows: I believed in what I believed in without even considering and analyzing the opposite viewpoint.

Sounds kind of strange for a kid who spent his first two years in high school in debate, huh? One who went to tournaments almost every weekend. One who had a fair amount of trophies. Not a top-notch debater, but not a bad one either. Why'd I quit when I was doing well? Well, one reason was personal and really beyond the scope of this writing. Another was that I came to the belief that debate was worthless. On the same topic, I debated different sides every day. Heads. Tails. Aff. Neg.

Where was the truth in this? I'm supposed to be finding truth. I can't find truth in arguing for either side as if it were right, divine word. Fuck debate.

It seems that while I had the spirit of deconstruction in me then, I did not have the spirit of construction. Well, I take that back. I did learn a lot about computers after I quit debate. But this hardly balances out my complete disregard for history, government, English, debate, and so on.

At the time, I saw all of my actions as completely reasonable. It has only been through a gradual process that I have began to see myself in a different light, and perhaps even as misguided.

I believe one of the events that helped shaped my current world view was owning a car. As someone who was generally disenfranchised with life, who believes that nothing is of great importance, I was changed by owning, and driving a car. I realized that one small error: a foot located about 10 inches to the right of where it should be, a wheel turned a few too many degrees, whatever, could change lives in a non-trivial way. How this revelation exactly linked to a flawed method of my thinking I am not sure: perhaps it could serve as a metaphor for errors in one's world model.

Another group of events that have changed me are personal relationships with the opposite sex. To make a long story short, I have found that I have previously made many unfounded assumptions about others. That I have needlessly been selfish. That I have been so enamored with myself that I was missing out on the big picture.

My ignorance dealing with history, English, government, movies, and the like has been revealed to me (on a number of occasions) through the game of Trivial Pursuit. I seem to be in the dark on such a large percentage of questions that others answered quite easily..

Yet another catalyst is my current college rhetoric teacher. Dr. Owens has taught us to critically examine our viewpoints before we set out to convince.. to be able to understand to examine the views of other's without initially dismissing them.. to understand the value of precise, personal expression. I'm not sure why this teacher has struck a nerve with me while previous ones haven't. I do know that Dr. Owens holds a certain spark, a real enthusiasm for what he teaches that my previous teachers haven't had (or maybe I just never noticed). And perhaps something is different with me, as well.

What specific changes have occurred in my thinking I find a tad difficult to enumerate. Now, I hold a respect (not a superficial one) for others. I realize that history and politics ARE important. They hold insight into human behavior and beliefs. They are a part of our culture. That personal expression is a skill worth being honed. Being right doesn't matter if you can barely explain it and you're arrogant... All of these might sound a bit vague, but I am still in the process of forming these ideas.

I also see this change as an opportunity for improvement. Outside my someone nihilistic views and math and computers, I did not have many other interests. I see this is a chance for me to develop what I now regard as important traits.. To make myself a better writer. To have a better understanding of previous endeavors. To not be so short-sighted. To continue learning the musical instruments I (kinda) play.

(Woah. Where did that come from? Am I making sense?)

A happy Valentine's Day for me? Well, it is much better than last year's. That was almost as bad of a story as my a very short wedding ring story, and definitely consistent:

My ex had said she didn't like V-day, and didn't want anything. I know you're supposed to listen to women, but I didn't think you should take them literally when they say things like that. Especially when it was our first V-day together.

So, I went and bought her various little gifts and I also bought her some earrings. She didn't buy me anything, which didn't bother me, but she complained about my gifts to her, which really irked me. Ugh.


Anyhow, today I at least listened to my inner voice that said shut up during this conversation going on during a meeting:

Co-worker: I hate ABC Co. They are the bane, wait a minute, does bane of my existence mean I they are bad?
Boss: (with a completely straight face, as if he is serious) No, bane means good.
Co-worker:Oh, hmmm. Oh! They are a thorn in my side!
(I stay silent).

Illness sucks

6:30
Allright, I woke up this morning, head pounding, and normal school-induced lethargy. I moved. Nausea quickly followed. I got dressed, thinking that it'll soon pass. Oh my god the pounding. I walked down the hall, holding back the vomit, to tell my mother that I would not be attending school today. I shucked off my shoes and climbed into bed. Pants, socks, sweater, sweatshirt and all. Sleep.

12:36
I woke up, feeling a little refreshed and a bit better. I walked into my parents' room looking for my mother, only to find Judge Hatchett on the idiot box. Feeling my friend, Mr. Nausea again, I laid in bed watching this inane shit.

For those of you who aren't aware, Judge Hatchett is a tv show similar to the likes of Judge Judy and her precursor, The People's Court...only excessively more trashy. The hook of this show seems to be based on the fact that in every show, there is some kind of DNA test to prove something or another. In this case, in particular, there was a paternity test to decide the custody of a child. From the looks of this child, I don't think it much mattered who got control. This kid's life was in the shitter from the word go. The plaintiff was a newly married couple who has been seeing the child thinking that the husband was the father (he wasn't). The defendant was the mother of said child, trying to see the child more. The mother's mother was with her as well. Everyone looked exceptionally trashy. The father with a mullet that reached mid-back, the grandmother appearched in a pink mumu and had hair below her ass. They argued back and forth over who should be really seeing this child. Everything seemed to be going good, everyone agreed to work out a custody system...until...the grandmother stepped in. She decided she had to instigate. Well all her instigation did was start eveyrone over from square one. Though, and interesting tidbit did come out of that mess; the mother has a 300ft restraining order on the biological father because he threatened to blow them up. That's cute.

I watched some more of that, another court show called Power of Attorney, and some CourtTV. That was enough real-life legal drama for my taste; I was beginning to lose it and yell at the idiots on tv. Around this time, my mom came in and handed me a blue pill, which I took. (insert The Matrix reference here). This made my headache go away. I look over at the clock.

2:02
Jesus. The cable man was to be here in 2 hours to install my cable modem. I had to dismantle my LAN, and remove any trace of a computer network. Mission accomplished. I hid my 50ft of cat5 cable, my hub, and a 10" glow-in-the-dark dildo in the trunk of my car. Hey, the less weird looks, the better. The computer guy came in, didn't really seem to know a whole lot. I set up the settings and he left. The cable guy was an asshole. He was mad because he actually had to run cable to my room. God fuckin forbid. So, a couple hours later, after fiddling around with other TVs around the house, he comes to my room. He made me move my bed from against the wall. By myself. He didn't even offer to help. He just stood there.

6:32
Played with my new cable modem. Found out (the hard way) that I have a 15k/sec upload cap. Dreams of a gigantic FTP server crushed. Oh well. It's now time to chill, relax, and drink some nice tea.

10:31

So, it's Valentine's Day. They say Christmas is tough on the lonely people, but this particular day isn't that great either. Luckily it isn't a national holiday, so at least we won't experience a tidal wave of suicides.
For me, today is just a regular workday. In Finland it is actually called ystävänpäivä, "friends' day", but that doesn't make much of a difference when it comes to me. Then again, who cares? the whole thing is a just a celebration for big profit among greeting card and chocolate manufacturers. Why should one listen to them on when it's a good time to express their feelings towards loved ones?
And before you get to ask.. No, I most likely would not be this cynical if I wasn't one of the pathetic lonely guys.

And now for something completely different.

A day log might not be the most proper place for writing about this, but I have to voice my opinion. I am simply appalled by the recent discussions on a gay "marriage" law proposal in the Finnish house of representatives. My blood pressure rises just from repeating the things the most fanatic lunatics in the Christian party are uttering on the subject.
I'm not gay. I don't even personally know any gay people, with maybe the exception of ones in the closet whose sexual preferences aren't known by me. However, this kind of witch hunt goes against all the sense of logic I possess. Finns have been informed by their representatives that homosexual behavior is unnatural* and a mental disorder one can be cured of. Ideas like "Identical to incest" and "a worldwide gay consipiracy" have also been thrown around in official statements.
Now somebody tell me, WTF is going on with this country?
I used to think Finland wasn't among the most narrow minded nations, but now it feels like we're going towards the 1600s in an alarming rate. People like Ritva Santavuori and Ville "Adolf" Itälä (our fasistic internal minister) would already be enough, but it looks like a large part of the representatives are just as bad if not worse.
Oh well, I probably won't stay in this backwoods country for many more years anyway. You can keep your police state and dwell in your paranoia, hysteria and phobias for all I care.

* I wish somebody would this to me: if something is common in nature among different species of animals, how can it be "unnatural"?

Ok, sorry for the rant. Trust me, I didn't mean this as an offense towards christians. I'm one too, if in name only. And members of many other parties are also taken the position of a raving lunatic. One more reason to keep supporting the Green party.


13:39

Just a quick note: the first entry might seem overly negative, but I'm actually in a good mood today. Sure, the politicians' statements piss me off, but I'm not letting it ruining my entire day. Things are fine. Special thanks to simonc for once again keeping my workday bearable with his /msgs.

And while I'm typing this, I should urge everybody to go out and get the Crossbreed compilation on For Life Records, put together by Kyoto Jazz Massive. It's the best damn record this year so far. Honestly.

ah, ah, ah

welcome to another of Nothing's journalistic nodes. These get the most votes so I'm taking it as a sign that you all would like to see me continue with them...

Last night I could hear my next door neighbor playing the Bee Gees "Saturday Night Fever" over and over and over again... Italians may know Verdi, Pucinni and all that opera jazz... but as far as the popular taste , I think it's worse than in the states. Just check out some of the crap on Italian TV the next time your over here. If you need a translation give me a call.

It was a booring evening... played a few hours of Age of Empires, designed a flyer for my upcoming photo show, and burnt a CD for Giovanni.

Today, while waiting for the tram to work, I gave the finger to a random Italian who was laying on his horn because the car in front of her hadn't moved in the 4 seconds since the light had changed to green. This one honk turned into a series of squeeling, honking, horrible sounding caca... so I gave the leader of the band the finger and it felt very satisfying. I'm not sure if she noticed, but the guy behind her did and he flased me one of those typical Italian male looks that seems to be saying, "But, but, look at you. You aren't even wearing clothes that are in fashion, what are you giving her the finger for???" Which was also very satisfying.

Now I'm slacking at work.

12:18

Happy Valentine's day, folks. ::Big w4Hug™ for everyone::

I played MW4 last night online, and lost big way. I'm not used to Raven. I prefer Timber Wolf. (Althought I must admit that Raven was pretty darn fast compared to the big and slow TimberWolf...)

Is it just me, or is Circle of Death a natural form of attacking?

(Oh, and what the heck is up with code signing softlinks? Did I make a mistake by criticizing the Troll God, Microsoft? That wasn't the big intent... Strangely enough, that writeup was written from Windows, using IE5, when I was pretty sleepy already. =)

13:54

Okay, what the hell?

Two most recent writeups of mine are below 0 rep. This daylog isn't. Daylogs get often downvoted, factual nodes don't.

E2 voting system is sometimes fairly strange. Or did I finally tick off the tr0llZ?

14:04

(BTW, great rant, break!)

Valentine's Day isn't fun when no one even tries to remember me... ::sigh:: (Well, I did get a nice card from my grandmother. =)

21:27

Just about the most depressing Valentine's Day I've so far had.

I'm going to cry.

And, of course, no one cares.

Ahh, screw it, see all you tomorrow.


Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: code signing Circle of Death Raven Lapsuuden Sankarille

Updated: About n+(10^8-42) typo fixes (I'm the matser of typis! Ha! Grr.)

Fuck Valentine's day.

A day manufactured to make those of us that are single and hate it feel even worse. Couples walking hand in hand, kissing on the train, whispering sweet nothings, announcements of engagements, general happiness and contentment with life. *spit*

But is this my real objection? No. This morning in a fit of silliness I bought one daffodil for each of the women in the office. No favouritism, everyone got one. Quite sweet I though, yet one of them accuses me of trying to get into her pants because of this. Are women really becoming this cynical?

THAT'S IT!
I can no longer stand the sight of my ceiling painted in ever increasingly bright shades of white.

This is ridiculous. I cannot sleep. Not a wink. I have been awake since Monday afternoon, and still I cannot sleep. What the hell is wrong with me? I lie on my back, and all I can do is think. The moment my head hits the pillow, the disks spin up and it's nothing but access access access. I've been remembering crap from my childhood I'd forgot even happened. Things from last night, from last year, from my first year of college. The people I hung out with in my freshman dorm. The way my girlfriend in highschool looked when she was dozing. Nagle's Algorithm. The last E2 get together. The bumps on the ceiling of the University-grade apartment that my family and I lived in for four years. The night my father left. The reasons why I hate him. Pants. Cheese. Porn. Monkeys. Colostomy Bags. WHY CAN I NOT SLEEP?

E2 is not the answer. I know this. I'm staring at the input box and I know that this daylog will come out making very little sense. But I can no longer lay there, smelling of the smoke of a fellow noder, clinging to crappy memories of things which I can no longer change because I'm no longer participating in them. If I cannot sleep, I will simply stay awake. I'll take a cold shower, read more about TCP/IP Administration, listen to some more game music, and listen to the birds wake up outside.

Yes...

My chest feels open, as though an old wound, never healed, were continually bombarded with dull hammer blows, heavy, obscene. A dull physical pain, glowing with agony from deep inside. I feel it constantly, until I manufacture some diversion from my sorrow and grief.

Yet this is not as heavy and agonizing as the time when we first broke up, many years ago, with that final, finishing, devastating rejection. I can easily recall that pain; the daily awakening, immediately remembering the loss of you as my sleepy eyes began leaching tears. I remember my struggles to get through each day without crying at work, and in front of the little ones; to try and not think of you was laughable.

And in the evening, sometimes while I was making dinner or talking with the little ones, you might call me, with that soft, sensual voice and time would slow. I would grip the phone for love of sanity, forcing my voice to be light, even, careless. How was I, was everything okay? you would want to know. You would reassure me that you wanted to remain friends, and that I was important to you. Every night I dreaded and prayed for that call, so at least I could hear your voice and know you weren't really rejecting me, my soul.

How many times did I walk down your street or drive by your house, looking in your window to see if you were home? How many times did I grab that phone to call you and hang it back up? I missed your light so badly. I missed your kisses, your arms so much. I diverted myself with all kinds of things to stop feeling the black twisting, searing agony of my heart losing its' soul mate.

It was the right thing to do; as now; but the pain is so intense and so real, I can barely breathe right now as I hold back the tears and anguish. It's so hard to care about anything else right now, and to remind myself that this is a necessary thing.

I am on the brink, and the old fear excitement, excited fear, fearful excitement is cramping my belly and tightening my throat, making me feel as if I am about to take off and fly.

I am on the brink, a new adventure awaits to terrify and delight me. There are obstacles I will overcome. Problems I will solve. Frustrations I will wave aside.

I am on the brink and any minute now I will burst and bubble in ebulliant laughter and take the first step.

I went to an eSoft seminar this morning. They introduced a new product. The InstaGate EX2 firewall appliance.

I was dressed better than most attendees, as I wore a black suit, a tie, white shirt, slacks, sneakers, and my "Got Root?" hat. (I always wear a hat.) Upon arriving, Tamara (the speaker) said "And who is this?" *looks at name tag* "CHRIS! Thank you SO MUCH for coming!"

She then turned to another attendee, looked at their name tag, and said "BOB! Thank you SO MUCH for coming!" She was a little too excited at every individual who showed up, as she said this same phrase to every person with the same bubbly inflections, but I can't fault her enthusiasm. I didn't care. I got up two hours earlier than usual, and I hadn't had breakfast yet. There was food, so I was making my way over.

I snared myself a bagel with some Cream Cheese, and I prepared myself a cup of Earl Grey.

The show went on, yadda yadda yadda, and as questions were asked, I realized that the product was shipping - before it was actually completed! There were a shitload of features that were planned, but not yet implemented. I turned to one of my co-workers who came with me and asked "Why is this thing shipping if it's not finished?", to which he replied "That's how they're sold."

Uh.... That's kind of dumb.

Anyway, I munched on my bagel as I listened to various forms of marketspeak, eventually concluding the seminar after a few hours. We eventually made it back to the office, where I was able to remove the noos--err, tie. I'm a lot more comfortable now.

I'm now back at the office, and I get to leave two hours earlier than usual. I got a free eSoft thermal mug out of the deal, so it was pretty cool.

UPDATE: I finally talked to the head of my company's division, and he understands my concerns! Score one point!

Lunch Log: Skipped Lunch. I'll probably have an early dinner.

happy valentine's day. my feeling about this day are still out. the man called this morning and didn't mention it (then again, neither did i).

in '99 i broke my ankle in possibly the stupidest way. i was writing a bullshit "I'm sick and staying home from work" letter, i sat on my feet to keep them warm. my right foot fell so asleep that i didn't know it was asleep. i put all my weight on a limp, lifeless foot. this bended it backwards and snapped my ankle pretty good. this morning i did the same exact thing (except it happened AT work, in front of people). it's not broken, it's not too swollen. i can walk on it and move it okay, but pressure from my shoe is excruciating.

i gotta stop sitting on my feet.

it's rainy and gloomy. and gloomy. very gloomy. did i mention gloomy? as much as i hate the cold, snow would be better than this constant mist falling. prettier.

i have $1.88, and that's all i have. i am broke. i have been since last week. i have no food. i have no cat food (she's getting dog food, which i do have). i have credit cards, but they're cut in half. i have gathered all the spare change i could find so that i can afford cigarettes. fortunately payday is friday. unfortunately i'm out of oranges, which have been the only food i've had in a bit. oops.

man called again. this time he says happy vd.
The school told us to wear pink, red, and white. I purposely wore all black. I bought a load of chocolates and gave them out to anyone who was single. I wouldn't say that I hate Valentine's Day, but all in all, fun knocking down the religious holiday that's since been bastardized by overcommercialism.

The interesting thing was that out of all my friends, a great lot of them also didn't care. Like the girl who was dumped on the weekend, and the girl that was dumped a couple weeks back... LOL

The day is all in how you perceive it. It's as much of a deal as you make it. All you gotta do is ignore it, go to school/work, live your life... because it really is just a day. Twenty three point something hours in which to do stuff, so go do stuff dammit!

But on a lighter note... This morning was a rarity. Because falling on the fair city of Edmonton, Alberta was perfect snow. Snow that is perfect, or at least as perfect as snow can get. What is perfect snow? you ask... Well, it must be warm out, the snow should be falling in big fat flakes, and any wind should be minimal. In its most basic description, its snow that's pleasurable to be in.
"Shut the fuck up about your little daily problems"...this comment at the end of a writeup steamed me...It comes across as condescending, uncaring, cold , the equivalent of flipping the bird..... it got my goat. It's the antithesis of what I believe. It pissed me off!!!!

Good! It's better than to have no feelings or reaction at all.

How can you compare your troubles to someone else's? This rating of woes bugs me no end. So and so has it tougher than you so quit your whining. I take it then that YOU can complain because So and so is worse off but no one else can? You can share those troubles because relatively speaking they are more important than anyone else's? This is what is pissing me off. The idea that only people with Job-like troubles can share their experiences. Was that supposed to make me feel better because I don't have it so tough? Well, I don't! I feel bad for the person who is dealing with this dark spot on life. I feel worse for the person who shared this tragedy and can't find it in his heart to acknowledge that everyone has bleak spots in their lives that need to be dealt with. I find that sad.

It has to do with compassion. That could be my problem with this phrase. It showed no compassion what so ever. I feel everyone's little daily problems have value. Each person's trials are important to that person. It's not just the good things that mold a person. The problems and how they are dealt with, shape a person's character as well. You can either develop a chip on your shoulder and spout off major attitude or shift the weight of the baggage and move on.

I realize that a point was trying to be made. I just haven't been able to get past "shut the fuck up about your little daily problems" yet. Once I cool down, I'll be able to go back and see just what the point in all that was. Maybe I'll find some compassion for the one that showed none with that caustic phrase.

Kudos for pissing me off. It takes a lot to incite me to react.

The only thing worse than Valentine's day itself is thinking that you're going to have a good one.

I have a new boyfriend, of sorts. I just started dating him last friday and I like him alot. I've never had a Valentine, and I was really looking forward to having one this year. So seeing everyone walking around school with their chocolate and flowers didn't bother me...as much as it normally would.

I called him as soon as I got home, eagerly anticipating seeing him. He's sick, but he said to come over anyway. I stopped at the mall on the way there to get him a present to be nice, and of course he didn't get me anything. I don't care, I just wanted to see him. I spent 45 minutes driving down to his house, spent just about the same amount of time there, and then he basically asked me to leave. Not in so many words, but I left crying. I thought I was going to have a good Valentine's day, now I'm wondering if my stupid boyfriend even likes me. Great.

Sometimes I'm really not in the mood to do a daylog, but I've not missed a day yet since I started a few months ago, so I'm not starting now. I guess the reason why I don't feel like writing them lately is that not much new is happening to me. I was really doing a lot back when I started, then Sara came into my life and things were reaching a climax, then boom. Disaster. I've been a bit mellow since then, I suppose. But this week I've been picking up again. I'm back to listening to loud hate music and generally being in a good mood most of the time. I've been back to taking Kava Kava daily as well though. I wonder if it's that which is causing my positive mood.

Today was only mildly interesting. I ran into CR's x-girlfriend (who is also one of Sara's best friends, I'll just call her Ann) today as I was leaving college to go to work. We talked for about 40 minutes just standing in the parking lot. She's an interesting person who seems to be keeping busy. So many people seem to be able to be so busy; I need to figure out how to find things to do other than to come home and mash at the keyboard.

I gave Ann the Valentine's day gift that I made for Sara, since she would be seeing her later on today. I didn't mention that I spent over three hours making it :)

I got into work at around 2:30, did some custom coding for a demo, and then left with TC at 6:30. Short day, eh? Wow.. I should really try and stay there more so I can get some long-term projects done. Today's a quasi-holiday though, so I felt justified in leaving early.

I spun fire tonight, although I didn't start out the evening intending to. I went over to the home of a female friend, to hang out, drink wine, and eat dark chocolate with other gals sans dates.

I haven't spent much time lately with my friend D, and I had never met any of her friends who were visiting. As it turns out, her friend T spins fire too. So we practiced a bit, with some music outside (enough to garner a noise complaint from the neighbor), and then we decided to light up. Out came the lighter fluid, the fire spinning chains, the wet towel and instructions to D on how to be a fire safety person. I had never spun with lighter fluid before, but it was a nice fuel to use.

I am always terrified of fire. While practicing without fire, I take chances, thwack myself in the head, and get tangled up. Fire gives me a very focused attitude. If I'm actually aflame, I am on edge, watching every move. Despite my vigilance, I brushed the side of my head. The bangs are now a little shorter in that spot!

I should do this more often.

Before I begin, I'd like to apologize for the rant-ish nature of the first half of this. E2 deserves better.

I spent most of my day on E2 today, chatting with other users, spending my votes, and searching for things to write about. Although I found a few topics I can exploit for write-ups, that's not what concerns me the most.

I see people doing stupid things, and this bothers me a bit (more than I should let it, really). Short, one-paragraph (or even one-sentence) write-ups for things that deserve better. Things that should be put in the Day Logs or Dream Logs, but are being passed off as serious write-ups. Bad poetry. Especially bad poetry.

I'm not a poet. I know this. I can string rhymes together skillfully, better than many rappers, and I know my way around a dictionary. But I don't confuse rhyming with poetry. Poetry requires a higher level of skill and artistry than I have... but I know enough about the art form to realize this. Some of these people just don't get it. Among my gripes is the ham-handed use of free verse. Free verse is the highest, not the lowest, form of poetry. As such, it requires incredible skill on the part of the poet to pull it off successfully. If you don't do it right, it ends up looking like mindless blathering.

Another gripe on the poetry front, is that a lot of people write incomprehensible verse. I finish reading one of these, and the phrase, "What the fuck was that about?" goes through my head. Being mysterious is one thing, people... but there should be a point to it, and not just coy evasion. I'd link up examples, but by now, the ones that were bugging me are probably already gone. It's even worse when it's also free verse.

The other major thing that's bothering me is an increase in malicious softlinking. There was a romantic poem (It fell into the above category of being bad poetry, but at least it was an attempt) written that got a dozen extremely rude softlinks - starting with anal sex and getting worse from there - within 5 minutes of its being posted. Is this necessary? It's made even worse by the fact that the softlinks are there permanently, and can be made anonymously. I just found this out today (The permanent part, I mean). There's no way to remove them, and there should be. This poem will forever be marred by some lowbrow nitwit's attempts at humor - or, to be less charitable, attempts to ruin the mood that the poem sets. This is nothing less than vandalism of the worst kind. People who've been around longer than I have say that it's getting worse... I see one good solution, though: allow the node's creator and all editors and gods to delete softlinks at will.

On to lighter matters. I saw a good number of well-made nodes today. They were in the minority - Sturgeon's Law in action, unfortunately - but they make up for the crap inflicted on us by the rest. The Editor's Logs are always good reading, and I applaud the Editors who take the time to inform the rest of us of what they did, and why. Especially if it's entertaining. Almost everything in Valentine's Day is great, but Darthnny's post would have been much better if he had stopped when he got to the end of the list. Inigo Montoya Death Borg by Gritchka is classic. Taxation of Churches is something I've pondered occasionally myself.

Enjoy! Have fun! Don't let the turkeys get you down!

My mouth is on fire.

It seemed like a fairly safe choice. The sign in front of the muffins identified them as 'breakfast bread'. I couldn't see what was on them (the coffeeshop turns into a bar at night, and turns the lights down low accordingly) but I am a fan of many kinds of tasty breakfasty fruits and creams, so I felt safe in the choice. But no, Common Grounds has to be different, distinctive. Thing was chock full of jack cheese and jalepenos. Didn't mix too well with the Cinnamon Nut espresso. It took half a bag of that chalky/not-chalky heart-shaped Valentine's candy to restore feeling to my tongue.

I had been back home not 24 hours from whiz-banging my way across the Deep South when I decide to take off for Fayetteville - Rainer Maria was playing, and if dearest i-dee likes 'em, then I likes 'em. Of course, I had to leave ballet class ten minutes early and then goose my car past the 75 MPH speed limit - through thick, stewing fog. But I made it, and I incurred a minimum of damage on the way. Even better, a TCBY was right next door to the music venue, making it easy for me to continue my tradition of giving away free ice cream to random kids before the show.

Halfway through the set (after Artificial Light, I think) the guitarist/singer, Kyle Fischer, grabbed an elaborately-wrapped square (elaborate, but not frilly; these are indie-rockers, after all) and stuck it in his mouth. He fiddled with his guitar, turning knobs and yanking strings and whatnot, and attempted banter over the microphone.
Kyle (into microphone) : MM MMM MMMM MMM MMMM MM MM MMMM?
Caithlin De Marrais, bassist/singer (behind speaker tower) : What?
Kyle (into microphone) : MM MMM MMMM MMM MMMM MM MM MMMM-MMM!
Caithlin (now, into the microphone, quizzically) : What are you doing?
Kyle (removing square from mouth) : Aren't you gonna ask me what I have in my mouth?
Caithlin (with a sigh and a smile) : All right, what do you have in your mouth?
Kyle : A Valentine's Day gift!
He hands off the gift to Caithlin, who sets her bass guitar on the ground and warily unwraps the gift - and her face suddently transforms into giddy delight. It was her favorite sing-along song - Janet Jackson's contribution to the Nutty Preofessor 2 soundtrack. The roomful of haughtily cool indie-rock kids just dissolved into sugary cuteness, waves of genuine smiles sweeping through the crowd.

Everyone should have such an utterly adorable, irony-free experience of pure wuv on Valentine's day.

I spent the rest of the drive home with my eyes half-lidded - the espresso was tainted with hot peppers from the breakfast bread, and the resultant lack of caffiene in my system almost killed me countless times on the way back.

All I can really say today is that, I hate "Single's Awareness Day".

Seems like I'm almost always single for Valentine's Day. I have been for the past four years, I guess that's all that matters at this point.

I do actually hope that everyone out there in E2 land, does have a good V-Day.

I just found some random notes on the cases I saw while working on Valentine's Day...not having a warm body to lavish pecuniary affection on was not not an issue, given these Valentine's Day presents you don't want:

- kidney stones
- gallstones/cholecystitis
- pancreatic cancer

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