anger control is a must. at my
job i have
access to many innocent-looking
objects which could be used to inflict serious
pain upon annoying
customers. when in a trying
situation try to
think of an
activity which brings you
joy and
imagine yourself doing it. i like to imagine
myself using innocent-looking objects to inflict serious pain upon annoying customers. this is probably not an
ideal suggestion, but it works for me.
learn to
smile. you don't have to
mean it. i doubt i have ever been so
overjoyed at
work that i just had to
express my
feelings by smiling. the only time i came close to this was when my
boss told me i could
clock out 5 minutes
early. even then i just sort of
smirked.
become an
expert at
astral projection. this may
sound like
hard work at first, but in fact, you'll
soon be doing it without even realizing it. i have many
times thought myself to actually be in
bed asleep only to find i have fallen
comatose-like upon a pile of
adult diapers.
when someone buys
condoms,
embarrass them by saying "have a good
night" then quickly say, "
oops...errrrr...i mean...
you know...not....uh...
heh."
repeat this
phrase after me:
thank you and have a great day/night. eventually this will become your most commonly used
utterance.
time goes by faster when you
mess with the customers'
heads. sometimes a customer will ask you how your
day is going. instead of replying with the
obligatory "
fine, thanks, and how is
yours?" launch into a 3-hour
dictation on
the oppressive nature of capatlistic ventures such as the one you are currently employed at and how they are
contributing to
the degradation of society.
segway into your
unhappy childhood and bleak
future and end it all up with a desperate
plea for
help.
when in
doubt,
smile and
nod.
try not to listen to
muzak. it just makes things
worse.
spend as long as you possibly can straightening the
store, and then try to beat your
record the next day. it helps to purposefully
knock whole shelves of
merchandise onto the
floor.
don't show the others how
smart you are. just like in a pack of
wild animals, if a group thinks one
member has the potential to
rule them, or in this case, improve their current working
condition and
encourage them to think, they will
attack the
individual. this might lead to possible
termination of employment and
subsequent rehiring after they
realized that you are the only
person who has any
clue as to what you are
doing.