For the sake of
knowing what i have and not missing a
drop, i am listening to all of my CDs this week, from one end of the rainbow to the other. Sometimes the transitions are jarring, and i have to ignore the "play this!" voice that's shouting out, i'm passing through all of the ones that i played over and over and never again. I wonder, is this me? The
total of these? Could you build a sketch from these?
Tonight, walking down the street, i saw two beautiful girls walking with their arms around each other. One, in a fitted dress, is lovely and has a fine, neat moustache. The light is not bright enough, she passes too quickly, to see if it is real or painted on.
I lie and tell the committee that i have a headache, so i can work on the newsletter tonight. But i haven't worked on it yet, and it's after midnight. I have to check with my body: do you have a headache? response: i don't know. it could go either way. These are the drawbacks to flexibility. Am i in pain? depends what you call pain. Ah, no, never mind me. I can't download the newsletter materials because my housemate is on the phone, and she's laughing, she's talking to her future girlfriend. Perhaps. I'll node offline instead.
sensei said amazing things to me today. Perhaps it is cliché, but sensei is my Everything guru. I have of late.. well, i've been trying to want to cook for myself. I've always cooked for other people, and when it was just me, i scrounged: leftovers, peanuts, bread, whatever there was. Yet i would go to great lengths to cook for one other person. My subconscious hope (i draw it out as a pit from a peach) was that they would learn to see food as a medium of beauty, (i draw it out as a shiny fishhook lodged beneath my skin) was that they love it, and by extension, me. I guess every meal was a pleading. And i've never really cared whether i love me or not. Talk about a painfully honest website. What sensei said has been turning over in me since, and it makes each action require so much more intention. (my responses are approximated for continuity)
You are someone worth cooking for! Yay! And what you eat becomes you (which is why cooking is the highest art: you make your audience, they carry your art with them in their cells and marrow for seven years.) ...So what you cook and eat helps make you how you are for everyone you meet. So when you cook for yourself, you cook yourself for all of them.
That makes a heavy responsibility
Yes, everything that we do or don't do is our response to the world. "Responsibility".
it's easier to live thinking that some things don't count
No one is counting. But everything counts.
How we live is the only reason to live. Otherwise it is just eating and shitting and dying. But how we judge ourselves is often just the activity of a partial view.