The
night before last my
girlfriend hurt my feelings, and I hurt hers. The specifics are irrelevant; the end result was that
yesterday she was
pissed at me because I'd stayed up
drinking and
smoking and ignoring her until well past sunrise, and I was sad and hungover and guilty and sore. I sat around for a while thinking about the various cruel paradoxes the
universe forces upon us, in particular the one in this node's title, and then I wrote the paragraphs below for
her, to tell her how I felt. And she read it and cried, and we talked and hugged and fiddled around on
E2 and watched bits of a
movie and
made love and cuddled and now everything's OK.
Baby, if you're reading this, I hope you don't mind my public breach of privacy. Oh, and I love you. XXXX
Why do we always hurt the ones we
love? Simply, because we must. Never
wish for constant
happiness, because even
pleasure becomes bland in the
absence of our
pain with which we compare it; do not long for unbroken
peace, for the only such peace is
death; desire not a lifetime of
agreeable companionship, since those who seem always in concurrence with
us are either
fools or simply too apathetic, too scornful of us to waste
their
breath in argument.
If a day passes when I anger you not even once, I will know that your
love is dead. If you ever pull away from a kiss and I demand no
explanation, know that mine is too. Those we care little for cannot
truly hurt us. Only the person who can make your skin tingle with a
simple smile, or make a miserable day suddenly beautiful with a brief
phonecall, can also lacerate your psyche with a thoughtless act.
So when the time comes that I ignore an unresolved disagreement and
sleep soundly near you, do not enjoy the unexpected calm, for it is a
symptom of emotional anaesthesia. Wish, instead, that I storm off for
a session of self-abuse, or yell or cry or grind my teeth; at least
then you know I'm still hooked.
I love you. I love waking up next to you, I love when you roll into me
in your sleep, I love your smile and touch and voice and mind. And I
know that you love me just as much, not only when you kiss me but equally
when you slap me. Keep it up.