"Why are you sad?", he asked in a very blunt, yet calm way. He said it in the same way one would phrase, "Would you like a piece of gum?".
"Why are you sad?", what kind of question is that. Is this like when someone askes say "
How are you?", and you are suppose to
smile and say "
Fine".
How frightening,
does he really want to know? Is he just trying to be polite, If I tell him, will he just think I am a
headcase?
I start to ramble a quick,
lightheart, yet truthful summary. Pausing so often to make light of my situation with a joke,
it was painfully obvious I was frightened.
My heart is aching. I can physically feel all the things I've kept burried starting to
bubble to the
surface.. With a quick
jolt, I bite my
lip, pause and I quickly shut them off. I ended my
answer with a nervous laugh, and a apologetic comment, that I meant to sound
cheerful. I am hoping that it might hide my feelings --
fright,
timidness, and
vulnerability.
"Oh, but that is probably a much too detailed explaination to your simple question."
Then he did it. He made me
shiver with just words.
"I want to get as detailed as you want." --
Did he realize what he was saying at the time??! I just
half-laughed, and told him to be careful what he said, or else he would get it. Just as he
stated his original question, he stated
"I never say things I don't mean".
With that
sinking feeling of fright in my chest, a feeling of being verbally
comforted, and a feeling of anticipation over the chance to maybe shine a
candle on my
ghosts..
so scared that if I let someone have the ability to see what was really going on.. without the
sarcasm, overly cheerfulness, or
denial of anything being wrong at all -- they will do something worse than hurting me with it.. that
they will just walk away from me.
So I told him why I was sad. Then we played
Reversi.