From the Oregon Voice, by Chris Galbraith, Todd Higashi, Mason Inman, Jeff Pettus, Rob Ruby, Matt Wheeland, and a shadowy figure who asked to remain anonymous.
10.
Pretend to
die, see what they do.
9. Make them watch
pornos all day.
8.
Kill all the family pets and say that
God did it because they wouldn't do the
dishes. This should
foster a nice atheistic household.
7. When you
bathe them,
point and laugh at their
genitalia.
6. Tell them you
love them every day. When they say, "
I love you too,"
laugh and say, "
I was just kidding!"
5.
Tape them to the
ceiling.
4. For
the first five years of their life (until they start
Kindergarten) replace all the lights in the house with
strobe lights. See what happens. (My
guess: They'll learn to
blink in synch with the strobe.
That's what happened when I tried this experiment with kittens.)
3. Whenever they say a certain
word, (let's pick "
hungry")
do a little dance,
jump up and down three times, clap,
touch your toes, then
lay down and pretend to
go to sleep.
2. Teach them
right and left backwards.
This will be sure to fuck them up for
years to come.
1. Do whatever
your parents did to you.
You're pretty fucked up.