It's difficult to write a cohesive article for E2, for a variety of reasons including the sticky fact that only 3 people reading this can pronounce cohesive and two of them are my personalities. Another problem stems from my lack of any memory of the past three years whatsoever. Who the fuck are you people? What are you doing in my sauna?
So in lieu of an action-packed bloodbath through the dangerous heart of a man on the edge of homosexuality, I thought I'd present a little something I call Clive, but which many of you will recognise as "Comedy: A Survival Guide". So gather round, little children. Closer. Closer. If you tug the magic snake he will gift you with treats!
I am a blue Bakelite tram and my name is Tim.
To survive in this dog-eat-dog world, you should probably learn to read. Especially if you are a dog, because then you'd better fucking watch out for other dogs since they will apparently eat you. Of course, if you are a dog and reading this, you are probably in a circus and are thus safely behind bars, dreaming of the hot bitch in Cage 12 who looks great in a tutu and can ride a bike. So I guess other dogs aren't really a problem unless you have to partner with them in a trapeze act, in which case you'd better be careful because dogs don't have thumbs and he will probably drop you.
But I digress. Learn to read. That's my point.
No time for love, Dr. Jones
You will also need to watch movies. I'm sorry if I'm moving too fast and have left behind all those who are only just learning to see, but I have a plane to catch to an undisclosed location where a henchman with an obviously fake Scottish accent will hand me a briefcase full of stolen diamonds. This will be followed by a rooftop chase, a struggle for the only handgun, and a brief plunge over the side by the hapless minion. Score: 1 Trembling - 0 Evil. Fuck, where is my Xanax?
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No seriously people I get these headaches where is my Xanax?
Here's your Xanax
Ah, good one. Ok, now that you've learned to read books and watch movies, you can move on to the most vital step, which is be funny.
Most of you will fail at this point. Don't throw in the towel yet, mainly because you will want that towel back and someone will invariably say "No, this is my towel, I didn't see your towel anywhere", and you'll be forced to fucking cut that bitch like a dead whore.
Billy Connolly has been failing at this point for almost nine years, but you don't see him suddenly reaching self-awareness, giving it all up and becoming an investment banker, do you? No. He's ploughed on, oblivious to our scorn and hatred, and look at what he has become. Just look. Fucking look at him, it's disgusting; I mean, Jesus Christ stop looking oh sweet Lord stop it please.
Some people are born funny. Others are thrust into funny. Others steal their funny like John Vlismas stole his routine from Eddie Izzard,and yet others owe Nick the loan shark 5 G's by Monday or that funny will be sticking out of their trachea. I have often espoused the opinion that it doesn't matter if you're funny, as long as you are both loud and confident. For example, when someone says "Hello", stabbing them in the throat with a pencil while screaming "NOW WHO'S ASKING THE QUESTIONS?” will always get a laugh, especially if the pencil is one of those humorous ones with a big-haired troll on the end. Haha those trolls always get me hahhaa oh man.
The reason I advise you to read books and watch movies on your quest for comedy is for the simple fact that you can steal everything from them. The last original joke I made was in 1998, and even that was a barely disguised reference to "The Golden Child" that luckily only my mom picked up. To illustrate, I will use random movie quotes as replies to common questions:
Question: "Where is the bathroom?"
Answer: "We're gonna need a bigger boat." - Jaws (1975)
Question: "How are you today?"
Answer: "GET OFF MY PLANE!" - Air Force One (1997)
Question: "Would you like some hot gay sex?"
Answer: "It's a trap!" - Star Wars Episode VI - Return of the Jedi (1983)
Question: "Could you pass me the salt?"
Answer: "KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN. KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!11one" - Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982)
Well, now that we're done with business, maybe you'd like to come back to my place. Sure I have wine. Ahaah. No this is not herpes, I've been eating Pringles.
The Bottom Line.
The bottom line is profit. It always has been. And the reason I called you in today, Perkins, is because screwing your secretary in the copy room is not helping our bottom line in the least, unless by "our" you meant "you" and by "bottom line" you meant "achieve multiple orgasms".
No really what the fuck?
Don't end up like us ex-comedians, sitting at home 10 years from now, masturbating franticly with a bottle of lube you stole from your mom's cupboard while she was passed out after a heroin binge, desperately clinging to ideals and aspirations that went out of fashion years ago, hungering for time when you could both dream it and be it, desperately seeking approval, reduced to solace in a mug of cheap whiskey that smells like nail varnish, unrepentant and unamused, feeling your age, fighting the clock, forcing yourself to watch the evening news with a cheery smile that reminds you of your father, unable to express any emotion but a vague listless dissatisfaction, and unable to breathe.
Unless you want to.