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user since
Sun May 20 2001 at 05:46:46 (18.6 years ago )
last seen
Thu Oct 6 2005 at 21:39:42 (14.2 years ago )
number of write-ups
16 - View Crispy Crunchy Goo!'s writeups (feed)
level / experience
1 (Novice) / 2504
mission drive within everything
To fill E2 with Crispy Crunchy Goo!
Crispy Crunchy Goo! Industries
What'sa motto for you?
most recent writeup
California Highway 17
Send private message to Crispy Crunchy Goo!

Hello. My real name is Yaffo Schmidtzenwurlitzploppenheimer. I wish my parents would tell me what that means, but every time I ask, they get really angry and wash my mouth out with powdered dish detergent and smack me for swearing.

I have a feeling I'm not pronouncing it right.

Well, that's enough about me. Why not tell me something about yourself?

Ahh... the silent type, I see. Well, no worry. Although usually modesty forbids me from talking this much about lil' ol' me, I wouldn't want any awkward silences to make anybody feel weird or anything.

Let's talk about cereal.

Do you like cereal?

I sure do!

Wanna know my favorite cereal? It's my favoritest cereal of all time! It's called Crispy Crunchy Goo!TM.I even named myself after it!

Legally, I'm still Yaffo Schmidtzenwurlitzploppenheimer, however it is you pronounce that, but since my parents can't tell my esophagus from a Kenmore electric, I play it safe and refer to myself by the name of a popular children's breakfast cereal.

Lousy popular children. They get all the best breakfast cereals.

Anyway, Crispy Crunchy Goo!TM isn't stocked in major stores yet... I try to make enough for everybody, but after a while my nose starts bleeding.

That's because I manufacture it at high altitudes, silly!

What did you think I meant? Sicko.

Crispy Crunchy Goo!TM is made of only the finest, crispiest, crunchiest, gooiest ingredients that can be found by mulching live Himalayan Yetis in a great big shredder vat and then draining all the fat into a big sieve that flows directly to the center of the Earth.

Actually, that part's just for fun. The real ingredients of Crispy Crunchy Goo!TM BrandTM BreakfastTM CerealTM are:

Evaporated Water, Oxygen (At least 60% by volume, less if served with milk), high fructose corn syrup, corn syrup, dextrose, maltose, fructose, glucose, sugar (Look! It's only the 9th ingredient!), phosphoric acid, FDA Red #40, FDA Yellow #5, RGB Blue #0000ff, salt, anchovie and/or iguana scales and/or lips and/or eyes, high-velocity liquified rice goop, caffeine, taurine, guarana, St. John's Wort, St. Peter's Basilica, "TMNT" Style Mutagen (for added flavor), monosodium glutamate (for added mutagenic properties), partially deionized lightning, artificial and "natural" flavors (as long as "natural" includes recycled cardboard), and a delightfully protein-rich secret ingredient specially formulated to give that Nepal flavor, without the Everest calories.

As always, Crispy Crunchy Goo!TM BrandTM BreakfastTM CerealTM is formulated from 95% post-consumer recycled content, because we at Crispy Crunchy Goo! Industries care about the environment.

Except, of course, the center of the Earth, which is where we dump the rest of the pulverized Yeti carcass after we've removed the prized, succulent gonads and other choice cuts.

Mmmmm... Breakfast time!

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