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My grandmother was in the hospital. She was dying and I sat beside her in her bed to keep her company. Her right side pressed against me and I could feel her pulse through her nightgown. But then her heart stopped. There was simply no more beating. She slept beside me with her heart stopped and I didn't know what to do. I waited, hoping, "please start. please start." I didn't want to have to start CPR on my sleeping grandmother. The seconds spanned ages, until, finally, tere was a triplet of beats. The last one felt huge. A pause, and then her heart continued again. She was dying.

I got out of bed quietly crying to myself. My grandmother still slept. she didn't know what had just happened. The hospital was dark but I knew I should tell a doctor. Sitting on the hospital floor with my knees against my chest and my face in my hands, the dream lost form and continued in the space between fingers and crying eyes. I needed to tell someone but couldn't, because nobody knew.

The metaphor began to break down and I knew it was about my love for you, my broken heart, and not my grandmothers. There was no one I could tell. And then my best friend was there. He came to listen and to help, but he didn't know the details of us, and I couldn't tell him.

So I cried, for me, for us, for what couldn't be.

secrets suck

I was walking down Mass. Ave and realized that I had to go to class. My classroom building was somewhere between Harvard and Porter and I knew I was going to be late so I had to run like hell. I finally got there needless to say, panting, nervous and covered in sweat. The rest of the class already seemed assembled and those that weren't seated were wandering around the classroom looking at various items. Like the shelves of Pop Tarts and Lays.

It was not at all strange to me that we were having class in a convenience store -- in fact it seemed perfectly normal. We were seated at tables similar to those in my old Physics lab at BU, but we were being taught art. I had a huge drawing of a vase of flowers in front of me, but for some reason I panicked last minute and erased it, replacing it with a drawing of two really old people. After doing this I felt much better until I realized that I was supposed to have a drawing of flowers - so frantically before the teacher came in I tried to somehow squeeze in a vase of flowers next to the old people. The teacher finally came in, the teacher was in fact Phil Donahue. He started to collect what we were drawing -which suddenly became paintings -- and because I was nervous I got up and went down the isle stopping to pick up a pack of frosting (not frosted mind you, frosting) Pop Tarts.

Next somehow I was in another building, it was a building full of computer labs that had elevators that led nowhere. Very weird. I kept going up and down in the elevator and nothing was happening. I began to get frightened until finally the door open into a small room with a computer. Rows and rows and rows of really odd characters that kept scrolling down the screen. I tried to get it to stop but it woulnd't and I became annoyed and started to pound on it.

Next thing I know my boyfriend is in the room with me telling me he had to go meet Cher for lunch.

I was in gym class, but apparently the locker rooms where behind the gym instead of in front ot if. I kept pissing everyone off, including my friend Chris, so they all beat me up, after chanting the end of the Beatles' A Day in the life. When I woke up I was in an empty gym and I ended up somehow getting into the girls' locker room which resulted in me being chased out quite quickly.

I finally found my clothes and was off to Net Prep, which I don't even have. We were hooking up SCSI drives, but using ribbon cable for external drives. I got done real quick and got a pass out of my class. In the halls I ran into a kid from my Sociology class who is complaining that the gym teacher didn't even write him a pass, just wrote "Happy Fun Day!" on a piece of paper.

Then I was off to Algebra 2. For some reason I felt the need to flip out at the teacher. I was almost in tears going something like "You know we have a 45 minute period, you can teach for more than 8." The entire class, which happened to contain more of my friends than the real class, looked at me like I was crazy.

They took me away to the library, where I was reading a Road and Track tidbit about how DaimlerChrysler was building a platform to be used in both the Mercedes-Benz S-Class and Chrysler's 300M/LHS. At this point I realized it was a dream, and that the constant Bob Marley music in the background was coming from my stereo along with some strange beeping sound...

i was awake until 3am attempting to make my halloween costume, so i was pretty tired when i finally fell asleep.

that didn't stop me from having a nightmare about getting laughed at because my costume was really really stupid. the first permutation of the nightmare was me walking into work with my birthday suit on. what a terrible outfit for halloween. the worst part is that everyone laughed at my penis size because they thought it was a costume. my subconcious didnt like that idea, so it tried making a different dream where i didnt go to work at all on halloween and stayed at home masturbating. my boss called me during a "session" and told me to get right into work and fix the mrtg graphing system for our network. so i ran as fast as i could back into work and realized i was wearing nothing again. redux!

there were a couple more of these, but they are very blurry now.

This dream was supposed to be movielike, but I think I blew it.. Some kids had fortified themselves into underground base, and Mel Gibson was the man to secure the base. He had two large pistols, and me as his assistant. I didnt have guns, but I ran ahead of him, and when I noticed enemies, I shouted for him and took cover while he shot two guards from the surface entrance. I ran again ahead of him and grabbed the dead guards light machineguns before getting down from the hatch they had been guarding. I climbed down the ladder, but before getting down I noticed that there were two explosive crates with detonators below me. I blew them up with my right machinegun, and continued downwards. I got into some kind of communications center with about 13 year old children in it. I quickly noticed that bigger ones with leather jackets had uzis, so I opened fire with my both weapons at them, and before they could shoot back, I ducked behind a console. Bullets pierced the circuits inside the console with loud crackle, but I rolled left to the side of it and opened fire again, this time killing even more of them. Some younger ones tried to wield pistols, but they fell easily, and soon the heroic Mel Gibson arrived to the action and killed two remaining uzi kids. I shot two more kids before noticing that they were surrendering, so I jumped from joy as the mission was successful. Meanwhile, the view turned from me to pondering Mel Gibson and mystical music started as he started at bullet frozen in air in front of his face..

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