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WARNING! Theological Potholes Ahead!1

"[God Hates Figs] pulls no punches, especially fruit punches. It tells the God-given TRUTH about an important issue in today's society. The truth includes these facts: Jesus rebuked the fig as an evil abomination (Matthew 21:18–20); Jesus commanded us not to eat of the cursed fig (Mark 11:12–14); Eat a fig, go to Hell (Psalm 78:47); God promises terrible vengeance for fig-eaters (Jeremiah 29:17). [...] figs are the source of all the world's evils. They are a plague upon humanity and an abomination in the sight of the Lord. They're worse than Hari Krishnas."

Satan only needs a few snacktimes to worm his way into your child's heart.1

God Hates Figs is a parody website done by the Reverend Phred, mocking God Hates Fags, an anti-homosexual biblical reconstructionist website ran by Fred Phelps. Reverend Phred's site represents the First Baptist Church of Mooksville, Tennessee, known for their "Ol Skool Flava, laying down the kind of heavy duty Primitive teachings that made Cotton Mather go crosseyed." At GodHatesFigs.com, you can find out exactly why figs are the most evil fruit, with sources ranging from the Bible to pop culture. Find out how Satan seeps his way into your children's lunchboxes! Discover that the Torah's warning against eating pork was actually meant to warn against figs! See for yourself the corruption of God's love printed in the very textbooks your Christian schools give students! Notice the leaves Adam and Eve used to cover their sinfulness from God's eye before being cast out of the Garden of Eden!

Don't get on the wrong side of the Lord's neurotic compulsion to create things and people He hates. And above all, don't try to interpret the Bible in some clever way to prove that God doesn't really hate you.1

Praising the efforts of fig-haters across the nation, God Hates Figs relates the stories of people like Simon Onstead, who was kicked out of a caroling group after refusing to sing the line "we all like figgy pudding," or Jeremy Bundle, who was fired after replacing boxes of figs belonging to coworkers with treats of lard shaped into crosses. God Hates Figs rejects even the American President, as Bush has appointed several "avowed fig-eaters" to high-ranking positions in the government! Flag burning may be a constitutionally protected right in America, but what about fig burning? "[...] just try to organize a public fig-burning and you'll start hearing all sorts of nonsense about smells."1

The fig lobby is going into high gear to crush us, brothers and sisters, and we can't be caught napping when the giant fig descends!1

But don't lose heart: there is still time to save yourself and your loved ones, and hopefully everyone else around you. At the GodHatesFigs.com website you can print out small booklets warning against those evil fruits to distribute to parishioners and winos who may not have Internet access. "We'll be the ones drinking Long Island Iced Teas in Heaven and laughing down while they are forced to drink Jagermeister in Hell for all eternity!"1

In all seriousness, GodHatesFigs.com is a very well done parody of a site that manages to so badly distort the messages of the Bible. Furthermore, some of the resources used in backing up the claims of God Hates Figs (such as the Bible verses) are excellent examples of the changing of times and the leniency that should be practiced when interpreting the Bible.

The site also serves to point out the ridiculousness and sickness of the ideas that GodHatesFags.com promotes, and in every noder's favorite method: blatant sarcasm!

"Have You Accepted Jesus As Your Personal Savior? (Check one):
[ ] Yes! Please send me forgiveness today. I understand that I will receive an additional absolution every month for the next year. I can cancel at any time, and I can return any absolutions I don't want."

One of the ways to help "fight against depravity" is to "eat okra, the only holy snack."

"We had pills, booze, women and all of Satan's comforts. But then the stomach aches started... and I had to go to the bathroom all the time. My friends said it couldn't be the figs."

Jesus appears to one character of a pamphlet in a dream, saying, "I have created many things which I hate, including but not limited to reggae not done by people from Jamaica, synchronized swimming, Unitarian Universalists, buddy movies involving either dogs or chimpanzees, the color mauve and the Artist Intermittently Known as Prince. Oh, sorry, I got carried away."

And if you right your wrongs and choose the path of figlessness, "your shoes will be a lot cleaner and your soul will be all sparkly!"

And check out this part of the Terms of Use: "[...]you agree to pay a royalty of 50 cents every time you use the word 'God' from now on. by viewing this screen, you have already agreed to these terms."1

I strongly recommend checking out the site, especially the "FAQ" and the "Resources" pages. There's a black list of churches that support figs, but they're careful to remind the reader that they're "not actually encouraging you to, like, firebomb any of these churches or anything. We wouldn't advocate anything rash or unmellow like that. This list is provided strictly for informational value, and the picture of a pile of ashes that we have next to churches that have already been torched is just a cute li'l decoration."1 There's also a page listing the various awards the site has won, a few of which they're wary of (one award might have something to do with fig juice!!).

1: GodHatesFigs.com: http://www.godhatesfigs.com/: Editor's note: this site has since shut down, although the meme is still going strong.

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