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Sure, I can relate to all the people out there who say "I prefer my caffeine cold and in a can." After all, who wants to waste their time sitting around waiting for the stuff to brew, or waste money ordering coffee that doesn't taste disgusting at an expensive coffee shop when you can just go to the fridge and down a couple cans of Mountain Dew? But realistically, when what you're really after is caffeine and not a beverage, a single Vivarin pill is at least four or five times as cost-effective as a can of your favorite caffeine-loaded carbonated drink. And of course, nothing's stopping you from washing the pill down with some Jolt for a little extra kick. Other bonuses of caffeine pills:

  • Compact. You can keep a year's supply in a desk drawer, whereas a year's supply of soda would take up a large room for most people I know
  • Portable. You can easily carry a week's supply in your pocket
  • Efficient. For 200mg of caffeine, a pill takes about two seconds to swallow, whereas four consecutive cans of Mountain Dew can't be chugged any faster than 15 seconds, even with the new wide-mouth cans.

"Holy shit, I only got an hour of sleep last night, and I have to be at a boring meeting and in the next 16 seconds... and if I fall asleep, my boss will kill me! What do I do? Oh wait, I have these nice little pills. Thank you, No-Doze!"

I prefer to crush up the 200mg pills, make a fat line, roll up a dollar bill and rock it nasty. It hits faster, harder, and is almost like doing drugs.

Seeing as most of america couldn't get through the day without caffiene I think its time we made some profit on it. The FDA should put it right up there with cigarettes and alcohol. We could put a huge tax on it and use the money to fund caffiene awareness adds on TV. They could show a workplace full of groggy employees saying this is your workplace and then show a productive happy workplace and say this is your workplace on caffiene. The government could make a killing and pay off the national debt.

Or if we really wanted to stop the caffiene addiction we could outlaw it. (Which I wouldn't put past the US government) It would then move to the streets being made in crack houses and meth labs. You'd have to buy the caffiene on the street corner from a guy with an eye patch named rogelio. It would be great all of america would become raging "drug addicts". You'd see your boss getting his daily supply on the corner. It wouldn't surprise me if we saw the same people who would pass the law out there on the corners with us.

But for now cold and in a can, warm and in a cup or in a 200mg pill will do.

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