This was previously a node called "This will get deleted," and it did get deleted. The day I picked is my favorite day, which is why I picked it. I wasn't going to re-post it as a daylog but eight people told me that I should, so I am by popular demand. I still might erase it later... So here it is:
I've come to the realization that love is dead
. I hate everything and I hate myself. I know this will get deleted, but that's not the point. The point is that someone will read this, and hate it enough to delete it
I'm probably going to kill myself
. I'm not telling anyone except you. No one I know will read this, so it's okay. It's not a cry for help
, but I have nowhere else to write where someone will read it.
I've written some things on everything2
. Most of my stuff gets deleted. They say to write about what you know
. All I know is sadness. Getting drunk under bridges
when I was 13 and drinking my way through depression
in sad gg allin
fans houses when I was 16. It's enough to drive someone crazy, simply relying on people you don't care about and don't care about you... just being around them because they're alive
. All the people I've ever known never cared about me, and I never particularly cared about. So now, here I am left with no one, except several people I hardly know, simply clinging to each other for no reason except keeping each other from sinking into deeper loneliness
. I'm sure when I do kill myself, there won't be much of a fuss. There would probably be less of a commotion than the time my friend stole a goat and was charged with "Grand Theft Goat
Don't bother to message me and tell me how pathetic
I am. It's useless. Just downvote and delete this, because that's what I hope you'll do.
I mean, I drank and smoked my way through life. I'm such a sad pathetic excuse for a human being. But who isn't? I mean, what does anyone really accomplish? I feel better when I write, but what's the point of writing when no one will be able to like or relate to what you write. Not even like it... just write something that will make someone feel actual emotion
And I've spent my life making fun of people who say they're going to kill themselves. When I was in highschool
I tortured this girl about the cuts on her wrists until one day she actually did it. I'm a bad person, and I hate myself. The world
is better without me. I've pushed away anyone who actually did care about me. My best friend
is strung out in some tweaker
s house right now, on who the fuck knows what. I got lost in the whole punk rock ideology
. Punk is dead
, yes. It's fucking dead. It's stupid that I bought into something so incredibly boring and pathetic for so long. I made myself into something ugly, a little girl
with a big mohawk
, crying into her beer because no one was ever there. And the only person I care about right now, well... I wrote about him once on here. It got deleted, of course. The only things that didn't get deleted are still here because I used bigger words, maybe. It's never about the thoughts that you write down, just about the big words. As long as big words are there, you're okay. All anyone will ever need to write on everything2 is a fucking thesaurus
, and it will be here 'til the end of time, right?
I never did hard drugs
, I did DMT
once, but that's it. Funny, since 75% of my friends turned into junkie
s... and a lot are dead and in jail now. I've been too abused
, and been through too much to deal with anymore. I mean shit - I'm still young. If it only goes down hill from here, what's the fucking point? Everyone tells me "You're still young, you'll realize it's not that bad now." Not that bad, now - huh? Getting raped at 15, I started smoking when I was 12, coughing up blood now... I started drinking heavily at 13. I've been a stoner since I was 11... I never had a father... Everyone I ever care about leaves me
just when I start to trust again. Close friends have stole
n things and boyfriends from me, given me black eyes and kick
ed me down into the gutter
. I'm a worthless piece of trash
So I got out of the whole punk scene
, which left me even worse off than I was before. Because guess what happened? All my friends stopped being my friends - not that they really were in the first place. I realized punk was bullshit
, and so I cut off the mohawk and got better clothes, I even got a job
and went to college
. I'm more lonelier than I've ever been in my life. Trying to get my life back on track made me more depressed than I was before, because I finally learned my true worth. At least when I looked worthless I could laugh about it with the people who looked the same way that I did. Punk was never about individual
ism. It was about not conforming to society
, but conforming to each other
. Giving a big "fuck you" to everyone else, even each other. Just looking tough on the street corner while waiting around to get drunk. I don't even know why I came out of that scene alive. I know so many people that have died and killed themselves... I can't even believe it. I even cried when Spider died. He was a piece of shit, I know. I remember he used to try to gross people out by sticking his fist through his gauged ears
. He died of alcohol poisoning
the night of the cramps show, with everyone sitting around with him... and no one cared the next day. My friends go, "hey you hear spider died? Sucks for him." This guy that they'd been hanging out with every day for the past year, and they just say it like it's nothing. Because they're so fucking desensitized that they can't care for anyone except themselves. Most of them don't even care for themselves, and I guess I don't either. And Ben killed himself.
I've been talking to this skinhead
guy a lot lately. Or - well... He's been talking to me a lot. He calls me his therapist... He just rants on and on about everything bad he's ever done, and the people that screwed him over, and all this shit he regrets. And he's a good person, I just see the good in him. I'm too trusting... I mean - I always used to trust people right off the bat, because I never though that anyone could do anything to me - like I was fucking invincible, right? I don't know where this is going.
This is most likely, 99.9% sure to be deleted. Node heaven
- here's another one!
There's definitely no gauruntee of me writing on here again. The few C!
's I got on my nodes, I don't know why they got there. My writing is amateur
, as you can probably tell. No one on here can relate to shit I have to say. Maybe our problem is we're trying too hard to live up to other peoples expectations
, other peoples likes and dislikes. And it shows in peoples writing. When I write I never think about what someone else will like. I just write what I'm feeling, and no one likes it. I wanted to be a writer for so long. I'd write for hours and hours. I've written two novels. I actually wrote a novel when I was in the middle of my punk rock phase, that lasted six years. I wrote every day for months. Hours and hours, I'd write and write. I wrote about travelling, the end of the world, beer and punk rock. I wrote about all the people I'd ever met, the people I'd meet on a day to day basis, and I wrapped it up into this huge story about a girl without a name. It was crap, and I never showed it to anyone. If I had showed it to anyone I'm sure I'd regret
I'm so ugly. I'm ugly inside and out. I've developed an eating disorder
, even. I've always thought I was fat, and then when I started losing weight I thought I was gaining weight. Food makes me feel disgusting.
So I got out of the punk rock scene and got back together with my ex boyfriend, and then was accused of cheating on him when I wasn't. Then all my new friends stopped talking to me and I was completely isolated. Even when I was in the punk scene shit like this would happen on a daily basis. My punk-rock boyfriend was cheating on me left and right, with tons of my friends. I was so faithful
, I don't understand... But at the same time I do. He was the one that really got me into the punk scene, started me drinking... I met him when I was 12 and thought he was cool because he was friends with Against Me!
That was back when they were really cool... Back when us kids were listening to Vivada Vis. Vivada Vis
isn't on their fucking discography. Someone wrote a node on Against Me!
And they didn't have vivada vis in their discography. You're not an against me! fan unless the first album you heard by them was vivada vis. And I loved them so much, they were like... my band. The band that I'd die for. So I went and saw them and they yelled at me for dancing too wildly. They yelled at me directly from the stage
, stopped and told me that I couldn't do that. Be stiller than I was, don't move around so much. Fuck that
. What ever happened to Reinventing Axl Rose
"We want a band that plays Loud and hard every night. And doesn't care how many people are counted at the door. That would travel one million miles and ask for nothin' but a plate of food and a place to rest. They'd strike chords that cut like a knife, it'd mean so much more than t-shirts or a ticket stub, they would stop at nothin' short of a massacre. And everyone would leave with the feeling there was no one else in the world this was where we'd always belonged.
And we'd dance like no one was watching! With one fist in the air! Our arenas just basements and bookstores across an underground america. With this fire, we could light....
just gimmie a scene where the music is free! and the beer is not the life of the party, and there's no need to shit talk and impress 'cos honesty and emotion are not looked down upon. And every promise that's made and proved is meant if not kept. We'd do it all because we had to not because we know why. Beyond gender, race and class we could find what really holds us back!
Let's make everybody see that they are a beginning and ending of everything. And we are stronger than everything they taught us that we should fear!"
-against me! "Reinventing Axl Rose"
I guess that was my anthem for a long time... It made me feel better when I listened to it. Me and my ex would sit in front of buildings singing it at the top of our lungs while watching people pass us, trying not to make eye contact with us.
So I guess, I'm sorry if you've read this. I'm just lonely, trying to make sense of the things that have happened and are happening to me
. I expect this to get deleted, but thank you for reading. Even though you think I'm shit, you think I'm a bad writer - it's okay. The point was that someone would read this, read what I'm going to... some little insight into my life and what I feel, my emotions. If this gets deleted at least I'll know someone read it and hated it enough to delete it.
"Can you live with what you know about yourself when you're all alone? Behind closed doors, the things we never said but we always knew were right there, and it's... got me on my knees in a bathroom praying to a god I don't even believe in! Dear Jesus - are you listening? This is the one chance that really matters. Don't let me fuck this up. If you told me about all this when I was 15, I never would have believed it."
-Against Me! "Tonight we'll give it 35%"