in our last episode... | p_i-logs | and then, all of a sudden...

There is nothing like finding out you’ve been cheated on…nearly a year after the fact...from a friendwho dated the same guy. At least he cheated on both of us with the same girl, so at least he is loyal in a sick and twisted sort of way. He owes both of us money to top things off. He needs to be egged. I am not talking egging his car, or his house, but him.
Sometimes I think that karma just doesn’t work fast enough.
I saw Wesley Willis last night.

I don't think that I'll ever be quite the same.

It happened like this, he was scheduled to play a little warehouse type club called the 562 Club, so I went, and there were about 4 punk bands that played before him.
First two were locals, I'd seen and heard them before, nothing new. Punk Band #3 was called "The Black Lips", and the lead singer kept saying "Huffin' Freion!".
I take my eyes off of the band for a moment to survey the (rather colorful) crowd of local punk kids, each grappled to their own cigarette or forty.
When I look back to the stage, I see that the lead singer has pulled down his underwear, and his... wang, is waving in the wind.
I've officially seen someone "rock out with the cock out". Especially at the end of the song when the guy actually played his guitar with his penis!
Also during that same set a guy jumped up on stage and lit a roman candle, aimed it directly at the ceiling, and was immediately tackled by someone who cared if the cops showed up. When they guy got off the stage, he looked pretty bummed out that he didn't seriously hurt anyone, or cause a fire, so he took a brown paper bag (full of more roman candles) and threw it at the drummer.
At the end of the set, the drummer squirted his drum kit down with lighter fluid and torched the stage. After the band kicked the burning drums around for a minute or two someone ran in with a fire extinguisher and filled the place with that stinky white gas.

Wesley Willis was great, though. I never really realized how retarded he actually is, I mean, I always thought, yhea, he's mentally challenged, but he really acted like a child. He acted like he didn't know why we were laughing at his songs... maybe it's just me, or maybe it's just his show that he puts on, but one way or another, it he made it worth my $6.
I was supposed to appear in court today, and I didn't. I got my court date continued successfully, and late this afternoon I got a phone call from the public defender, who updated me on my case as best he could.

I am being charged with a group of 13 other people, none of whom I know, and the charges aren't necessarily applied equally to everyone in the group. Apparently, charging the arrestees was complicated, and the public defenders had to demur due to the vagueness of the police reports, which were uninformative. Arrestees were charged in groups partly to save on paperwork, a fact I could not make up.

The group I am apparently being affiliated with is charged with:

Essentially, the charges are rioting, planning to riot, rioting without a permit, and staying at a riot, which to my mind boils down to rioting, but hey, I don't write the laws.

Because of the conspiracy charge, the judge decided that it would be a conflict of interests for any one attorney to represent more than one arrestee, and will thus be appointing private attorneys to represent the vast majority of those arrested. The first two defendants will have separate court appointed attorneys, but as there are only two public defenders in the county, the rest of us are getting farmed out. This is a good thing, since being tried in a group carries assumptions of guilt with it - it's harder to exhonorate a group than an individual. Having a private attorney could also be good, since public defenders are notoriously stressed out. I will be assigned an attorney on my new court date, which is May 21. Until then, I'll be freaking out quietly.

Today my boss went a little bonkers. We were having a team meeting and he talked about a request he had -- one that he and his boss thought would be neat. He started talking about this idea, and immediately...

three (out of five) of us snickered

Not a lot, mind you, just a quick, reflexive laugh. Because his idea was so stupid and impossible as to be funny.

Now to understand, mine is a small company with a lot of very smart people in it...and a lot of openness about ideas...but people are frank about what they think. So we weren't guarding our reactions, the laughs just slipped out. But my boss kinda freaked...I don't remember if it was just a raised voice or a yell, but he made it clear that he was hurt, then angry.

I tried to apologize or make some excuse...he would not hear of this, and started raising his voice again, whereupon the most senior team member got up to leave. He said he wasn't going to sit and listen to arguments like this...then my boss said You don't have the option to leave. Well my senior co-worker has been around longer at the company than the rest of the team combined, and he figured that he had the right to leave in the middle of a silly outburst.

Anyhow, both me and the senior member tried to apologize, but my boss would still have nothing to do with this. He yelled at someone yesterday also, and ours is not a company where people go around yelling.

Fortunately, I do not depend on my boss for anything, including supervision, review, raises, or job security. He, however, depends on us for knowledge of what is going on and what should go on.

Still, a crappy situation.


Oral exam today in German class, stage 1 of 2 for the final. We go in in groups of three, and are assigned individual or partner situations to converse about, rotating through the members of the group. In the course of the test, I was to do the following situations:

  1. Discussing with my partner our typical eating habits, of course a very common and natural topic for conversation.
  2. Describing my typical morning routine.
  3. Acting out a restaurant scene. I was the customer, my parner was the server.
  4. Describing a time when I was very sick as a child or teenager. I talked about when I had the flu and a fever of 104°. I couldn't sleep because my hips hurt. I was delirious. I watched Alice in Wonderland.

The exam went pretty well. I was far from fluent, but that's not the goal of a first-year class. I was able to communicate what I needed to.


My roommate and I returned our rented refrigerator today. We had had in since the beginning of the year, right in the middle of the room between the foot of his bed and my desk. It left a big hole in the middle of the room. The room is becoming disinhabited. It's time to leave. This is good.


As part of the pre-finals week festivities— ok, as the entirity of the pre-finals week festivities—every term there is the "Midnight Breakfast", which consists of the administration serving breakfast to students in the late evening. This spring, it also consisted of some twenty naked people running around the cafeteria. It was exciting.

Damn. Wesley Willis is not retarded. He is schizophrenic. He doesn't know that his songs are taken as complete jokes because he does not write them with the intention of them being jokes. His songs (monotonous and childish though they are) are what he uses to keep himself sane. If it weren't for his music, the voices in his head would reign free and most likely cause him to turn violent against himself.

Rock over London, rock on Chicago.

I am moving today from one end of town to the other. I am moving from the master bedroom at my house to one of the smaller rooms in the same rental house that my boyfriend occupies. I am confident that things will work out well forever and ever, amen. I felt that way the last time I moved in with a boyfriend also, though, so we shall see. Call this the trial run before we maybe move back midwest/east.
I haven't day-logged for a while, because I have a policy of ensuring my WU's are of a high quality. As a result, I now have a C! ratio of 50% (except it is now less since I have written this). I don't count my day-log's as anything more than NfN but I felt I had some things to say today.

Since my last day-log, I have won a scholarship/internship with Sun Microsystems in Palo Alto, CA for 2 months this summer so I am really looking forward to that. I haven't been to the States since I was 12, I haven't even left England for 4 years. I will be working with their Java development people and it's great CV material. I don't go until July so this means that, after I finish my exams in 10 days, I have 6 whole weeks to catch up with all of those little jobs that I keep putting off since starting university. These include re-learning how to play the piano.

Look out! He's got a tomato!

I would like to share a story related to me by a housemate yesterday. I don't think it merits its own node (although the title would certainly be a good one) so I will write it here:

We were discussing Scientology and my friend mentioned a photograph of L. Ron Hubbard that showed him performing a psychology test on a tomato plant. For a laugh, he thought it would be fun to get his brother to photograph him outside the Dublin Church of Scientology (now closed, apparently) holding a tomato next to the "Free Psychology Test" sign in the window.

As they started taking some pictures, they were spotted by people inside and someone went to remove the sign from the window. As they did so, they exclaimed,

"Look out! He's got a tomato!"
00:30 am

Sat up to watch a thunderstorm. It is the first one I have seen in a long time and I wasn't disappointed. The lightning was particularly spectacular and the perpetual orange glow of the street lights gave the lightning a mauve tinge. The thunder was enough to rattle the windows of my room (but that might just be due my dodgy windows).

It finally passed after an hour so I went to bed.

All day, I've been trying to tell myself that I will be okay, and that I'm sane. Telling myself that I'm not paranoid, and nor am I overly sensitive to the world. Then, I finally told myself today that you deny that fact in an attempt to suppress that facet of your reality. Hard to swallow, but a great step in my mental development I suppose. Sometimes I even question the motives of my actions, on why I do them, whether they be for personal development or a way to tell myself the truth by the words chosen. But since I can't tell, what can I do.

For once, I don't feel so tired. Nah. I am dead tired. Who am I lying to? It's been a short day, but it's been filled with tiresome activities. Mentally straining and physically draining. The best way for an insomniac to fall into the void of slumber I suppose. Effective, but painful.

I woke up an hour before work started. I quickly scrambled to iron my uniform. Damn IKEA. They demand perfection even when their products are not, but I can't blame them I suppose. I would demand it from my department as well. I get there, and I get moved to another department because my manager's grandfather recently passed on. We sent our deepest regards and hoped him a speedy recovery back to work.

I head upstairs for my break with my Microeconomics book. I didn't finish all of my reading, but I was pretty close. I reached upstairs, and people started talking to me. It was weird to me, simply because its the first time I talked to people on my break really. It's unusual for me since they were full adults and I still felt like a teenager, out of place in the workplace but I managed. Proud would be a good word to describe the moment but then I realized that I didn't finish my reading so I might be in trouble.

I run downstairs and they made me climb a ladder. My intense acrophobia took quick grip and they noticed. They told me to come down but at the time, it was something that I had to conquer and I did. Another proud moment I suppose. I quickly finish my work and head off to UBC.

I asked my mother to leave me the car today since the damn translink strike has halted my bus riding days for a while. I didn't tell her why I wanted the car. All she knew was I simply wanted it. My sister asked but I simply answered "I had a date". I didn't want to tell them that I had summer school simply because I knew that this would be the last semester at UBC I would have for at least another year and to quit in the summer would also make me feel worse as a quitter. While I know that they would understand, I was more afraid of how hard I would be on myself. I'm not afraid of facing my mistakes but I'm afraid of the torment of my own mind, as I have high expectations in life, especially for myself. Finally, after 40 minutes of rush hour traffic, I get to UBC but not before I go to McDonald's for lunch/dinner.

Economics class was full, and I saw people I didn't want to see. Since I was dropping out of Engineering, people wanted to know why. But graciously, I evaded the questions that were not needed to be answered. I thought that it was to the point that it was a need to know basis. The class itself was easy, but definitely more interesting than my electrical engineering classes. I knew all the theory before since I helped people with their homework and I wish that this was the field that I was destined to be in. I didn't say much to Sway and Alana there, since I didn't want to be distracted but I did nap for about 10 minutes in there. Nice professor at least. Even used condoms as an example of supply and demand. But I hope that the subjects will get a little harder. No challenge, no fun.

I head home, but I get a phone call. It's her. She's calling again. I told her I'd call her back but then she said "Yeah sure...Just like last time..". Sometimes I wonder what would happen when she pulled the "I love you" on me and I told her that back. Confusion runs through my mind but I didn't to think and didn't want to go home so I called MrFurious to go to the gym. He didn't want to so I went to Superstore. I went to buy some ovaltine but saw my old high school classmate Fonny instead. Damn, she looks damn attractive. Still stunned by her astonishing attractiveness, I bump into my mom. She wasn't particularly pleased but what can she do about it. I let them go home first while I go out and wander on my own.

It was a nice evening I suppose. The sun hasn't completely set yet but the first glimpses of night has popped through the horizon. It was beautiful how the light shimmered off the skyscraper glass windows, like how halogen light makes glass shimmer. I made it to Minoru Park, and sat there on the grass for about 2 hours. I stared at the sky, with my jacket covering my pants from grass stains. I felt my skin turn numb form the cold, but I didn't mind. Finally, I realized that it was almost completely dark so slowly, I dragged my feet along the grass on the way to the car. I looked back, and realized that I need more days like this, at least moments like these. I didn't think about anything. I just let my mind rest. It was better than sleep. Better than dreaming. Better than life.

I come home, and soak in the tub for about 30 mins. I come online, and sit here. I took a quick snack break to eat instant noodles. Now I just came back in from the balcony, my sanctum. The moon hid from me tonight, but the breeze came out in full force, bombarding my body with cold, challenging me to stand up to its fury. I didn't have the will today. I came back inside, closing the glass sliding door behind me.

It's 1:40 am and I should go sleep. Work in about 12 hours and it takes me about 2 hours to get to work because of the infernal strike. But I'll leave after Tonight by Fin.K.L is over. But maybe I'll just sleep on the computer desk tonight. I just hope I can sleep...period...

I feel the rhythm of the wind on my back as I walk. My skin senses the treble, while my neck detects the bass. My wringing hands tremble, and shake furiously. I fall to my knees, feeling the ground against my skin. I place my hands down besides my knees, feeling the soil on my palm. I stretch out and lie on the grass and look up at the night sky. I close my eyes, and open them quickly. The sky fades to black. I sleep...

I live in a happy house. Gemma loves me, our new puppy Paddy is getting on famously with his adoptive big sister Molly (they play fight for hours at a time and never stop smiling and chasing each other) and I'M HOME HALELUJAH.

Five bloody long days in Sydney at head office. All good. Pitched to a new telco today, who fully grooved on us. Excellent feeling, since one or two recent pitches haven't gone quite so swimmingly.

Anyway, I've only another week to work at the agency until I hopefully start at the industry association. I've met the chairman (doing his due diligence thing), and am to meet the full board on Monday night (in Syd again). They're gaggin' for me. Heh.

Shouts to my great mate break who is also having a few interesting changes in his work, and to the awesome r_p who is about to be an official teacher.

The AI game has kept me from E2 for a little while, and it is super fascinating, but when I check back in here it feels like home. I'm a lucky guy.

Thursday 22:00 Canberra

What a friggin' week. Where to begin? I opened two pieces of mail sunday night; one from AEP, and the other from Columbia gas... AEP said If I didn't give them $80 by monday they were gonna come out and disconnect me... Columbia Gas wanted $40 or they were gonna shut me down too. I went to work and as soon as I got there I started hearing more rumors of layoffs... Looks like there will be a third layoff as orders drop to 200 next week (we're staffed for 300 which is down from 560). I was a wreck so I decided to take a vacation day. I managed to fend off the utility gods for a while when I got home and felt a bit better.

Tuesday went rather well until the end of work when I attended a meeting about the soon-coming 5S program. Just some jackass telling us the profound affects painting everything white will have on our work, and some other bullshit about what their numbers tell them we should do. The guy tried to relate to our being tired because he was hired in August and worked third shift for two months... All I could think was "um.. yeah, how many of my buddies had to be laid off so you can so you can pull this shit, and now you're gonna tell me some of them had more seniority than you." As I was leaving the meeting I realized one one my contacts was missing, but I was too tired to go back for it... I drove home through the rain with one eye closed. When I got back I threw out my remaining contact and grabbed my glasses which were broken... one of the arms was missing. As I was trying to flex the remaining arm so the glasses would sit somewhat strait on my face, SNAP... I laughed. I discovered flexing ones face to balance glasses on one's nose causes tremendous headaches.

I slept for a while, noded for a bit, and I was about to go meet zot for some coffee before work when I realized my car had been towed. Damn... second month in a row I forgot about the street sweeping (second Tuesday of every month). I decided to call off work and do some drinking... It was great. I chatted in the catbox with a glass of Jameson whiskey and played "The Happiness Boys" in the background... very relaxing. I had organized for a friend to pick me up at eight a.m. to go get my car, and we did just that ($72). I drove back home for more sleep. When I awoke I was gonna go out for smokes and realized something was wrong... my car had been towed again.........I feel like a jackass. As it turns out, the other side of the same street does street sweeping the second Wednesday of every month. Zot drove me to the impound lot after he got off work ($72). They just crossed out the first serial number and date and rewrote it a little lower on my window so everyone knows I'm an idiot. A guy at the impound lot was having problems of his own so I decided to help out and take him to a check cashing place so he could get his car out as well. I felt a little better after the good deed.

on my way to work last night my right eye started burning... After rubbing it for a while, a contact fell out... it was hiding the whole time. I am gonna get soooo drunk this weekend.

So for now on, I'm be keeping the top headlines from around the world here. If there are any sources I'm not using that you recommend, please /msg me. Do you know an english language paper in South America or Eastern Europe that updates daily? Let me know please.

Without further ado, here is today's top news from around the world:

The BBC's Top Headlines:

  • Tories bank on tax cuts
    UK Tory leader William Hague launches what he called "the most ambitious Conservative manifesto for a generation," promising £8bn of tax cuts.
  • Russian blaze hits satellite network
    Russia struggles to make contact with four military satellites after a fire rips through a key command post.
  • Eurozone rate cut surprise
    In a surprise move the European Central Bank cuts its key interest rate to 4.5%, while the Bank of England also reduces its rates.
  • Relatives besiege Ghana hospitals
    Distraught relatives search hospitals in the Ghanaian capital for their loved ones after at least 121 football fans die in a stampede.
  • 'Truce' in US-China hacking war
    Computer hackers in China call a halt to their online raids on US websites, having notched up more than 1,000 attacks.
  • Gaza blast kills foreign workers
    A bomb kills two Romanian workers in Gaza prompting a further destructive Israeli incursion into Palestinian territory.

The New York Times' Top Headlines

  • Price of Gasoline May Pose Problem for White House
    As Republicans grow increasingly nervous about surging gas prices and rolling blackouts, President Bush is trying to defuse the political time bomb while not threatening the oil industry.
  • Families of Chechnya's Disappeared Seek Answers
    Thousands of relatives wait in vain for those who have vanished since Russia launched its second war against the rebels who want independence for Chechnya.
  • Mexico's Leader Is Finding the Democratic Road Bumpy
    Five months into his term as the first opposition president of Mexico in 71 years, Vicente Fox is learning that presidencies made by democracy can also be battered by them.
  • U.S. Informs South Korea of Plans to Resume Talks With North
    A visiting senior United States envoy assured President Kim Dae Jung on Wednesday that Washington would resume its dialogue with North Korea.

China Daily (Chinese Government -- Top Headlines

Panapress (African Top Headlines

  • Liberian government cautions diplomats following shooting
    After unidentified gunmen in a speeding vehicle fired shots at the Egyptian Embassy on the outskirts of Monrovia, Liberia's Foreign ministry has advised members of the diplomatic, inter-governmental and consular corps against keeping outdoors after 8:30pm
  • Pretoria unaware of plans to change venue of OAU Summit
    The South African government has expressed optimism that the 37th Summit of the Organisation of African Unity (OAU) will take place in Zambia in July as scheduled.
  • Chiluba warns against tension in Zambia
    Zambian President Frederick Chiluba has asked the international community not to instigate crisis in the country over his third term debate.
  • Ethiopia, Cuba sign health cooperation agreement
    Ethiopia and Cuba have signed an exclusive cooperation agreement on the exchange of scientific and health information, Addis Ababa sources said.
  • Liberia reports increasing drug-resistance of malaria
    Health authorities in Monrovia are getting concerned about increasing resistance to chloroquine, the first line treatment for malaria

The client has decided to add a few of months to our project but still spend the same amount of money. The result? Me and another guy get kicked off. It's not as serious a that, it just means I won't be doing much for a while maybe just 'internal training'. It does mean that I get away from the projects team leader, perhaps one of the more annoying people I know. Up until tomorrow (my last day) I just have to keep slogging on, trying to leave my bits in such a state that I get frantic phonecalls from ex-team mates, demanding to know WTF this mess of code I produced is supposed to do.

Other than that, my girlfriend has gone back down to London for the weekend and it's the The Fantastic Manchester Booze-Fueled Britnoder Bash. Britnoders and otherwise are all invited!

Every once in a while, it's a good thing to take a step back and look at your life from a different perspective.

Last night was not one of those times.

My fiance and I went to visit a friend of ours last night. This girl is...well, you wouldn't believe it if I told you. They were each other's firsts, in a lot of things (except possibly the marriage proposal part of it). They've known each other for about 10 years or so now. I don't know the whole story, and I don't want to. Ask him.
I, on the other hand, hated the girl for a very long time. It's hard not to, when you're competing for the attention of your own first boyfriend with someone he'd never dated and probably hadn't a chance with. And then she wound up dating someone else that I had it bad for (at the time -- I still adore the guy, just not in that way), which hurt even more. Even though it was unintentional on her part. In time, I got over it. And I met her, which helped, so we get along just fine now.

Anyway, we had dinner with her somewhere in the Village or something like that. She brought along one of her lovers. Yes, I did say "one of".

I said I liked the girl, I never said she was "normal"!

We all had a good time. We had dinner, walked around the city for a while, spent some time at her place in Alphabet City, and then my fiance and I went home.

When we got home, it was really late, and we should have gone to sleep, but we stayed up and watched some porn on Skinemax instead. Got to have your priorities, you know.

So, maybe it wasn't what we did last night that would disturb onlookers. Maybe it was just the group of people. Or, maybe it was the fact that while my fiance, the other girl's lover, and I were walking to the F train stop at 2nd and Houston Streets, someone stuck his head out of a cab and asked us if we were all gay. I know I'm a little tall, but I do have breasts!

Ah well. I had a good time, and I don't care what anyone else thinks.

Today on the floor of a stairwell where I work I found a small handful of rose petals. Crushed, left for dead.

I work in a psychiatric hospital and so I am used to seeing blood, urine, and various other body fluids on the floor. I have found still burning cigarettes, discarded pills and personal notes. It would take hours to describe the things I have seen left behind. But until today I had never seen flowers.

Why is this so odd, so touching? The rarity of their appearance or their appearance at all?

I dream....

I dream of my beer while I sit through the unbearable stack of papers at work. I dream of an ice cold Icehouse beer. I dream of eating a pizza with that beer and frolicking through some meadow with an old girlfriend, or with my bosses wife, wait he’s divorced.

I dream of taking a sledgehammer to work and destroying every damn computer that they tell us to “just reboot” while at the same time executing the center manager and all the girls who turned me down.

I dream of telling my parents that I smoke a pound of marijuana every week and that I sleep with at least 13 girls a week and that I shot heroin at least 5 times a day.

I dream of kicking my brother 1 million times in the ass. Then 1 million times in the face. And finally 1 million times in his balls. (if any)

I dream of killing the following bands and musicians: Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, Brittany Spears, Christina Aguilera, Garth Brooks, 3 Doors Down, Eminem, Dr Dre and a bunch of other evil music people that make crappy music.

I dream of riding the bomb, while it falls with an unbelievable force towards the President of China. (Yeee-haaa) I dream of stealing a car from Jeff Gordon and taking it for a joy ride in down town Atlanta. I dream of breaking in to the locker room of the Pittsburgh Pirates and threatening them with an AK-47 to play better damit.

Finally I dream of going back to the woods and killing Bambi, since I already killed and ate his mom for lunch. I dream of killing some endangered spices out there that the environmental groups would get pissed about.

cue music

Last night was pina colada night at the house. No occasion, but who needs an excuse when it’s a nice warm afternoon? Truth be told, I had been thinking about it overnight, and the fridge had finally done it’s work on the pineapple and coconut milk. I empty the can of coconut milk into our blender and throw in some chunks of frozen pineapple, and follow that with enough rum to get the gears moving.

Two batches later, my housemates and I feel less bad about the case of pineapple I picked up at SFO on Tuesday night. It was just going around and around on the baggage carousel, utterly forsaken by the passengers from Maui who had been standing around an hour waiting for their golf clubs.

I would like to thank Lynn Thomas for the pineapples. They were quite delicious and would not have made it to Chicago with the rest of your lost luggage.

Hmm? What was I doing at the airport on Tuesday night? Picking up women; my girlfriend and her mother were flying back from a wedding in Chicago.

My Neighbors Almost Set The Whole Building On Fire

All because they have tropical fish.

Chris has had the fish for four years in the building now. And, he's had the same set up for four years. Today, his power strip decided it had had enough and shot flames all the way up the wall.

Chris's roommate Ryan was home, and put the fire out before it had a chance to burn down the whole building.

Chris is now using a dust buster to clean up the powder from the fire extinguisher. It's kinda cute.
A Few Minutes this Side of Midnight.....

I find myself trying to at least attempt to finish this story in a tasteful fashion, without it sounding like some kind of Harlequin romance. Readers and friends be warned, I have no idea how any of this came about. I'm still trying to figure out if it really happened. That's my disclaimer and I'm sticking to it.

I had to get up in the morning, Chip had to get up, Grrmly had to finish his shift at work. Yet we found ourselves drunkenly walking down past my apartment to Grrmly's. We NEEDED to see the dogs, and the boys were getting on almost TOO well. It was scary, these two compact powerhouses just bursting with energy and optimism. And I was bookcased by them, it was great. I started talking about our boss' Napoleonic complex, and how I would just humor him because I honestly don't think he'd believe my being 5'10" beat his 5'8". "Come here", Grrmly said, and I turned around to face him, "I'm 5'9".....let's see....and you are 5'10"......I was wrong." Again, the arm goes around me. Heheheheeeehhehehehe....thanks Mother Nature, I do so love playing the Amazon on occasion.

We get bombarded by canines as soon as we enter the apartment. Chip falls in love with the puppies immediately. I mean, how can you not love a Great Dane who is convinced he's a lapdog? Grrmly tries to describe how to talk to dogs through motion and stance, but I already speak it fluently. You see, I was raised with dogs long before any other animal came along. Kneel, lower your head below their's, and don't make direct eye contact. "Simple, Beautiful, poetry.", he says as I show my respect.

We then decide to investigate the reefer my brother has brought up from the swamp. Walk down Maryland, past a rough group of people, as the boys disect and question my love life. Like I want to discuss THIS now, but both of them get all fired up and angry, and I feel the protective circle around me tighten. Wow. I'm not just some walking soap opera to everyone; both of them honestly care, and make no bones about what they would do if I were a different person. Just say the word......but never!

In the room now, and I have decided to squelch any dirty thoughts or hopes, I'm really quite content to just bask in Grrmly's friendship. Light 'er up, and I actually partake because this is Peace Pipe time. It's quickly closing in on 3:00 am, but the boys are really digging each other, so much that both of them are laughing hysterically and dancing around the room. Chip's got Grrmly all but moving down to Florida with the doggies, riding an air boat by the time we need to leave. I agree to help Grrmly at work, because for me to go to bed now means not waking in time for work. So why not start work early? Besides, I'm not ready to quite call it quits yet even after we say goodbye to Chip.

I am sure that what's sparking between us is completely platonic(he would make a really good buddy) until the very last second when I look over at Grrmly leaning against the elevator wall, with his flashy black eyes softened and he says, "May I kiss you?" I haven't even raised my head in a possible 'yes'???...when he yanks me to him, and if I hadn't had those drinks, I probably would have frozen, like I've been given to lately. But no, the knees gave and I became a puddle. We pulled apart just as the doors made noise that they were opening.

A beautiful night, good friends, good drink, and a shared moment. And yet again, I would have been satisfied with that. I don't need too much these days to make me feel like someone wants me know?

We walked to the coffee shop in good comraderie, and wove our way through the tables to the back office. He immediately started banging around, and I stood quietly contemplating what my next move should be. I decide the women's bathroom is my best bet to have a few moments to think without him distracting me. I walk through the back hallway, into the restroom, and let the door quietly click shut. Two seconds later, the door comes flying open, and I'm getting picked up and pushed against the wall, soft grinny lips holding me in place. And my fingers flick the lightswitch off....

"What are you thinking?", he asks me twenty minutes later, gazing at me from the mirror.
"What are you thinking?"
"I asked you first."
"Okay, I've liked you from the moment I met you.....but any time with you was obviously unnattainable. I just never could shake how interesting you are....and.."
"I've liked you too.....I pretty much told you that."
"What are you thinking?"
"Well....this is awesome......but it's horrible timing..."

So I straightened myself up after he hugged and kissed me some more. My mind's a blur, and I couldn't tell you how many thoughts were flying through my lightspeed! I stumbled back into the kitchen and not ten minutes later, I was being pressed against the freezer and dragged into the office. Here we go again......can I just tell you how beautiful he is? But I refuse to get sappy.

We got all the prep work done, (be careful who you work in a kitchen with....particuliarily if they're Italian....weird things start happening), and I couldn't go fifteen minutes without having the stuffing squeezed out of me.....all I could do was stand there and grin as I went through those stupid hours between 4 and 6.

"Are you going to stay after this whole mess is cleaned up, the six months, I mean?"
"I don't know."
"Where would you want to go?"
"I have a few ideas."
"You know, if you tell Kevin, he's gonna tell Phillip."
"Right, right."

As he headed out this morning, a little after I started my real shift, he hangs his head around the corner and says, "It was really great hanging out with you." And I catch Adam's glance at us, at the clothes I was wearing the night before. You know, the ones I'm still wearing as I write things down while they're fesh in my mind.

I walk into the kitchen over by the shelving a few minutes later, and find myself being hustled into the office again. His nose rubs mine, "I REALLY enjoyed hanging out with you." And he's out the door, into the sun strown streets.


Of course Adam knows what's going on, and by 10:00 this morning, he is a self-appointed laison. Grrmly has called like three times at this point, and not meaning to, I was privey to a snatch of the conversation they were having on the phone.
"Well, I knew that already. It was pretty damn obvious.........No, I don't necessarily think it's foolish."

Adam says to me, "I didn't know Erin and Grrmly had broken up until this morning, did you?"
"He told me last night at the bar."

An hour later, "What are you doing Saturday?"
"I don't know, why?"
"I'm having a 'bitching' party. A friend of mine is coming down from New York,and he just broke up with his girlfriend of four years. And Grrmly's coming..., with him and Erin just splitting up. And you have to come. Everyone knows your story, and I think you all have a bunch of things to work out. It'll be fun......", He says grimacing, "Trish'll be outta town, so you guys can talk about anything you want to. It'll be just the four of us." (Trish and Erin are pretty good friends}.

You know, just to see what the deal is, there's no way I'm missing that 'party'.

GOOD GODDAMN, I FEEL FUCKIN' WEIRD! Is it just me, or does all of this just seem ludicrous to you too? Time for sleep, BAH!

autechre is playing on the stereo. i'm supposed to be working...i'm not. sometimes i wish i was more motivated. sometimes i wish i was fit and trim. sometimes i wish...

college orientation is on saturday. my brother comes home on friday. the two events are unrelated. i'm not sure if i'll be glad or not.

a wave of unhappiness is approaching again. wish i knew why. i'm not sure what i'd give to just feel happy for a whole day. perhaps my moniker is a misnomer.

the cd's ended. time to leave. hopefully i'll make it through the day.

"excuse me sir, do you have a gun?"
Sometimes the drama and the ego are unstoppable. A couple of days ago I screwed the roomates over and this time in a callous blatant way. The one I actually semi-cared about gave me a day to explain and when I thought it through I realised that to salvage/manipulate this any further might be entering the realm of psychotic. they're just babies man. Also I fear calling them. It is a shame I allowed this to happen, perhaps I haven't learned a single thing since jbug, I hope that is not true. I have to avoid places now. I am actually worried about a possible violent reaction from them or their people. the other thing I have to figure out is do I even care. I only meet them maybe two months ago. They are not my people. I would never hurt my people. Its weird how the pit in my stomach could be shame, could be hunger, could be nerves and the fact that Im kind of uncomfortable adding this on e2, could be saddness, could be that I really did like the one without a soul. The waitress from before them never even occurs to me any more and when that was severed I felt the same pit. They are not even in Monikas universe. They are not my number one. This has turned into therapy and not a reminder. But it is the circle of thought of the past couple of days.

Three weeks of work left, then nova scotia and newfoundland. Hard day at work today. Im not letiting up. Infact probably working harder. Interviewed with a sweet Medical Imaging startup yesterday and If I get that job I would be willing to stay in the city for another winter otherwise I have to organize thailand which seems way to far and crazy for me. I think I feel pretty shitty about how that all unfolded with the roomates but what can I do now. Soon I will have to bury those thoughts and move on. I know that when I do I will be able to smile at some of what I did. badness.

... she disappears into a time that passes before she sounds. like a stone down a well. but you think she did not think so. she was part of a rhythm that excludes thinking. and now you have made yourself part of it too. the rhythm seems all right to do something scary without thinking, but not when the scariness is the not thinking itself ...

Woke up nice and early again, despite being out late last night. Hounded the doctor on the phone until he finally told me he would have my letter done by noon, so I fell asleep till around one and went to get the letter. After filling out the rest of the paperwork, I finally took it to school and dropped it off 10 minutes before they closed.
Well, I still can’t drive so I had to bum a few rides today, which I hate doing, but it sure beats public transportation. Now all of tomorrow will consist of me getting rides to the courthouse, the DMV, and god knows where else I will have to go.
Due to the fact that I’ve been a lazy rat bastard the past few months, I’ve neglected some major issues, such as the fact that I haven’t cut my hair in over 5 months. I have thick red hair, so I can’t really grow it out unless I plan on having a big thick afro, which I’m sporting now. If I let this go any further it looks like ill be wearing a mullet in no time. Time to take the clippers to the mess and see what can be done about it. I found my old webcam and plugged it in, if you care to see my froness, I threw a picture up on my old site (the ISP hasn’t killed it yet, bonus).

And if your bored you can see all the pictures from my spring break a few months ago, there’s a girl fight, some cokehead girls getting freaky with each other, people getting arrested, the whole kit and kaboodle, I forgot it was still up there.
Other things I’ve neglected to do are, well obviously my license is still suspended (got it taken away like a month and a half ago, forgot to go to driving school). I went to driving school like 3 weeks ago, online driving school, it fuckin rocked. All I had to do was be on the site for 4 hours, and answer a couple of stupid ass questions (Should you put your seatbelt on when you are driving?). So now I just need to take the certificate and show it to the powers that be.
My room isn’t faring to well, I haven’t gotten much done since yesterday, but at least I have clean clothes now.

Plans for the rest of the day:
-Trim up my hair, this is just ridiculous.
-get cleaned up and go to Radius @ 9:30 or so, Free drinks from 9 to 11!
-I’m pretty sure that is all I will accomplish tonight, seeing that after I get home from a club I usually just sit online and get songs I want to hear and then fall asleep. I’m just glad I got the school thing taken care of today, its 1000 bucks out of my pocket if I didn’t.
11:30 pm
Apparently, clubs don't appreciate two people using the same id within 2 minutes of eachother, so no free drinking for me, i took my brothers (he is the other person with the same id, im only 19 damnit!) car home, luckily Radius is just around the corner. Drank a small red plastic cup worth of the parents cheap scotch whiskey they buy for guests, And now that im in my room after the covert ops to get the liquor, my fridge is empty and i have nothing to drink as chaser, im not too surprised. Either straight up or chase it with water, but i know there is no way im gonna sleep tonight if i'm sober. I wish the doctor gave me medecine that helped and would actually let me sleep. I seriously have not gotten more than 4 hours of sleep consecutively in 2 years. the earliest i find myself falling asleep nowadays is around 9 or 10(AM), i get naps in but thats the only place i get my rest. My obsession with eyes coaxed me to draw a 2x2 foot eye on the ceiling right under my bed. It gives me something to look at other than the inside of my eyelids when im lying in bed.


I'm writing this note here, where you'll most likely never find it (not in its current form, at least) because this is a very special, very secret birthday present.

One of my earliest memories harks back to when I could have been no older than four years old. I remember you and another grownup talking, cooing really, over me. The other person said that I had your beautiful blue eyes. I remember you smiled a small, secret smile knowing that there was no possible way on earth that my blue eyes could be attributed to you ... but knowing that my eyes were yours all the same.

Later on in life, when I became rebellious, I wasn't trying to be different from you. I was, I guess, trying to emulate the rebelliousness you yourself experienced when you were a teenager. Apparently, we're alike not only in physical characteristics, but also emotional ones.

When I became an adult, I snapped all the apron strings, and we fell out of communication for a number of years. This is something you never did with your own parents, so you and I are different in some respects ... I wish this difference didn't have to cause us both so much pain.

When I became happy, I also found I needed you, and no one else, to help me get through a difficult time. Even though we hadn't spoken for many years, when you found out what I needed your help with, you gave it. Gave it unquestioningly, unreservedly, and unconditionally. On that day, I learned just how much you and I are alike. I just never wanted to admit it until then.

Yet, despite our similarities, you were at a disadvantage when it came to raising me. You and I share absolutely no genetic material whatsoever. You adopted me, Mom, and quite literally chose me to be your son. Not many people get that particular opportunity. Not many have to face that particular challenge. You did well, though. You weren't perfect, nor am I, but you did the job far better than the parents some of my other birthsibs did.

So Happy Birthday, Mom, and thank you from the bottom of my heart. For being a great person, one worthy of respect and honor. For being a terrific mother, even when I didn't want you to be. For being you.

Now, you've already received my gifts for both your birthday and Mother's Day but this gift is one that is a bit more esoteric and even a little loopy.

I've spent some portion of my life online since I was in the sixth grade. In all that time, in all my electronic travels, I've never come across a place that made me feel that the storage of information could possibly be anything more than just that. Data. Ones and zeroes, waiting in a silent state to be retreived, acted upon, and stored again.

Recently, however, I began interacting with a place that feels more than that. More than information. More than storage. Whenever I visit it, I'm charged with energy. And I sense something. A vast ... unlimited ... ...
potential is the only word I can think of, but that word doesn't do the feeling justice. Something could become from the information, the facts, the experiences, the seriousness, the sadness, the humor, love and empathy that is poured into it every second of every day.

That place is this place. E2. If there's any place currently extant in that soup of electrons known collectively as cyberspace that has a chance of becoming or helping or contributing to a new ... form ... a new Entity, this is it. Even though the possibility seems unlikely, I learned from you how to hope, and how to dream.

And I want my love, and gratitude, and respect for you to be part of It, if It ever comes to pass. So I write these words, not really knowing what will, ultimately, become of them. I release these words into the void in the hopes that one day, they will be folded into something better, something different, something amazing, something new. They will be those things, in part, because I have described here just how much I love you, and thank you, and respect you, for being my mom. For being an amazing person. Even if these words are the most microscopic of scribbles on the hangnail of some Entity's big toe, they will be there. They will be part of It.

You will be part of It.

Happy Birthday, Mom. I love you.

Five days of depression...seasonal. Faith shattered by coincidental communication mishaps. (and the more I think about it and the more I read - the more I feel I was right...) Relationships...not measuring up to what I had expected...fading...(especially after these occurances...) Loss. That continual thread pulling thnigs together.

Appearantly I'm not the "value added".

Well, things are completely different than three months ago...and I have less faith than when I started...

Here I am, waiting to board my plane, and what better do I have to do? Yes, of course, I am noding.

I left late, but arrived early. Traffic on I-695 south, around Baltimore wasn’t too bad at 6am. As a result of my being early, I managed to be the first individual on the bus back to the terminal from the long term parking lot. This allowed me an early start at a log day of people watching.

The first people on, a group of three, whom I mistook for being Cuban initially, or something Latin American, at least. Forgive, I suck with assigning national origin. It doesn’t really matter, right? Anyway, they were a married couple and their daughter. I’d put the husband and wife in their mid-fifties, both well dressed, sophisticated, calm and in control, but both seeming to possess a down to earth nature about them. Their daughter, probably about 23, was beautiful. We made extended eye contact. I groaned inwardly, screamed “shit” inside my brain as loud as I dared without fear of someone else hearing, and tried to say, “I’m sorry” with my eyes. She looked away too quickly, and I spent the rest of the bus ride doing my best to not look back. I stole a glance at their luggage. Lufthansa, it said. Definitely not Latin American.

The rest of the people were boring, IMHO. I was operating slightly sleep-deprived, however, having packed at the last minute, like I always swear I won’t do, and like I always end up doing anyway. Some guy asked the husband mentioned above for a pen. He just shook his head and held his peace. I happened to have a pen in my backpack, placed there solely for the purpose of writing this node. Therefore, I regret to inform you that…

This node was touched by a man with mismatched socks
and several facial hairs missed during the morning shave.

My apologies.

My time on E2 finally started to pay off today. First, I arrived early, and reached the airport almost 2 hours early, as suggested in Travel 103 – Getting to the Airport and checking in, which I read last night, instead of packing. I walked inside first, hesitated at the counter check-in, noticed the longish line, and proceeded back outside, where I had myself checked-in by a sky-cap. I tipped 10 USD. Coincidently, my bag arrived safely at my destination. It was well worth the tip, due to the precious contents inside.

Next, I found my gate, then headed for the men’s room. As I walked in, I applied proper Male Bathroom Etiquette, noted the current urinal openings available, and deduced quickly that this bathroom had reached critical mass. I quietly waiting for a set of two empty urinals, remembering to keep my eyes towards the ceiling. A urinal vacated, and I recalled How to Use a Urinal, then identified the Optimal Urinal Firing Target without too much trial and error. Then I remembered that 3 shakes counts as… well…

Finished, I returned to my gate and sat down. At this point in time, I wrote the above portion of this node, while I listened to two ladies wish they’d brought some valium along for the flight.

I got stuck on an aisle seat. I hate aisle seats. My single-serving friends were boring. I avoided conversation, and dozed off after breakfast. I got through the first hundred pages of Isaac Asimov’s Foundation before the flight landed in Houston, and I shuffled off to find some real food and a good place to eat it. Ahh, yes, Subway. The way a sandwhich was meant to be... prepared by a nice lady with very minimal English skills.

Next thing I remember, I’d finished my sub, gone through another 60 pages of Foundation, and was hearing Final boarding call for my flight. Shit!

Did I sleep?

There was a nice old lady seated across the aisle from me, who spent nearly the entire flight talking with the man next to her. She did, however, grace my presence for a few brief moments. She noticed my book and told me he was a great auther, which I heartily confirmed. She said she hadn’t read anything by him in years, but loved him. A friend of mine had recommended him to me, since James Michener, a favourite of mine, might be a little too boring for a plane flight. She asked if I’d read Texas, which I had, and told me it was 2nd only to the Bible in Texas. This, for some reason, did not seem odd in any way to me, and she seemed to be completely serious. She laughed and then returned to her previous conversation, which excluded me.

Just in time for me to notice the “cowboy” one row ahead of me breaking out his laptop. Brown cowboy boots, jeans, a long sleeved shirt, the ever present cowboy hat, and a belt that said Steve on the back. The laptop was a brand new Dell Latitude, with a mobile Penitum III processor and a 15” screen. Supposedly a nice laptop. I watched as Windows 2000 Professional booted, noting with interest that he had to press ctrl-alt-del before he could log in. Kinda like I do…, I thought. Once logged in, he clicked on Start… then Programs…. Then Accessories… Then Games… and finally, Solitaire. Definitely a cowboy. He sucked at Solitaire, and I tried in vain to force his mouse to make the better moves. Alas, my efforts for all for naught, and he lost 3 games in a row before he decided to put the thing away.

We all got lucky and arrive 15 minutes early. God bless the pilot.

I call my mom and tell her my plane had mechanical problems, and we had to make an emergency landing in Albuquerque. I might be stuck there overnight, I told her, because there are no direct flights from here to Phoenix until tomorrow. However, I might try to get on a flight that goes to Los Angeles first. She flips out. She worries way too much about me. I tell her I’m just kidding, as I always am, and that she needs to start taking everything I say with a very large grain of salt. I’m in Phoenix, safely.

One thing I did learn, which I haven’t found on E2 (yet) was proper taxi cab usage. Maybe this is old hat for some users, but I was losing my virginity on this trip. Yes, until today, I had never been in a taxi. Outside the airport, the cab drivers had all parked in two lines. Always select the cab at the front of the line, perferrably on the outside edge. Hmmm… maybe I’m wrong on this, but… oh well.

I arrive at the house, tip the driver, and find the nearest couch to fall asleep on. Tomorrow, my brain tells me, I’m going to the Grand Canyon.

Oh yeah, I’m on vacation in Phoenix, Arizona, for a week. Any fellow noders in this area, who might not be busy over the weekend?

I’m bored, already.

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