Sometimes the drama and the ego are unstoppable. A couple of days ago I screwed the roomates over and this time in a callous blatant way. The one I actually semi-cared about gave me a day to explain and when I thought it through I realised that to salvage/manipulate this any further might be entering the realm of psychotic. they're just babies man. Also I fear calling them. It is a shame I allowed this to happen, perhaps I haven't learned a single thing since jbug, I hope that is not true. I have to avoid places now. I am actually worried about a possible violent reaction from them or their people. the other thing I have to figure out is do I even care. I only meet them maybe two months ago. They are not my people. I would never hurt my people. Its weird how the pit in my stomach could be shame, could be hunger, could be nerves and the fact that Im kind of uncomfortable adding this on e2, could be saddness, could be that I really did like the one without a soul. The waitress from before them never even occurs to me any more and when that was severed I felt the same pit. They are not even in Monikas universe. They are not my number one. This has turned into therapy and not a reminder. But it is the circle of thought of the past couple of days.
Three weeks of work left, then nova scotia and newfoundland. Hard day at work today. Im not letiting up. Infact probably working harder. Interviewed with a sweet Medical Imaging startup yesterday and If I get that job I would be willing to stay in the city for another winter otherwise I have to organize thailand which seems way to far and crazy for me. I think I feel pretty shitty about how that all unfolded with the roomates but what can I do now. Soon I will have to bury those thoughts and move on. I know that when I do I will be able to smile at some of what I did. badness.
... she disappears into a time that
passes before she sounds. like a stone down a well.
but you think she did not think so. she was part of a
rhythm that excludes thinking. and now you have made
yourself part of it too. the rhythm seems blind...be
all right to do something scary without thinking, but
not when the scariness is the not thinking itself ...