Created just for Everything citizens, from the originators of the wildly successful pop-up pamphlet "How to be Like George Washington Carver" and from the creator of the upcoming business training seminar "Sexual Harassment and Your Personal Success: A How-To Guide on Proper Harassment Techniques in the Workplace," we present

The Official Guidebook (excerpted).

For the sake of clarity, let’s refer to the female as Ginger and the male as Franklin.

When looking for Franklin, Ginger will provide numerous key signals allowing all prospective Franklins to be aware of her intentions. Many of the initial gestures will take place at the first sighting of Ginger, or, the approach. Be aware of swaggering; this is dangerous territory and only experienced Franklins should move forward with this type of Ginger. If Ginger looks at you upon approach, it’s a good thing. If she does not, don’t kid yourself with the foolish thought that you haven’t been spotted by her yet. She knew she wanted you long before you even got up this morning! The best thing to say here is that if she’s heading your way, LOOKING at you, you’ve got at least a one in twenty shot.

Ginger’s appearance is important - to a point. Try to attract a tall blonde. A buxom redhead is your next step, if tall blondes are difficult to come by. It is perfectly acceptable to mix and match the above traits but be careful! Again, this is a step for experienced Franklins only.

  • Hair - Ginger is trained to have as much hair as possible, and this doesn’t bode well for Franklin. It is used as a deterrent, so the moment you see flipping hair, don’t get any closer. The lack of flipping should be a sign of acceptance on Ginger’s part to move closer. At no time should you watch flipping hair! It WILL disorient you, often putting you off your guard. Be careful of this trick.

  • Clothing - Make mental notes about the clothing Ginger is wearing - future gift ideas are right in front of you! Other than that, the only purpose for clothing is to seed your fertile imagination. For some reason, Ginger thinks clothing matters.

  • Shoes - Again, this is something Ginger finds important. Seriously, how often do you look at Ginger’s shoes? Who cares?!

Breasts - If anything was more important than Ginger’s breasts, then breasts wouldn’t be as important as they are! Uh...or something like that. In any case, NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO NOTICE BREASTS. Save this for later. And trust me: SAVE THEM FOR LATER!

Ginger’s personality is almost guaranteed to be fake, at least during the initial selection process, or "conversation." It’s a lure. Just go along with it.

  • Charm - To Franklin, charm is simply having Ginger speaking in his general direction. Accept that, Franklin - it’s true. I’ve studied this stuff.

  • Perk - Walk away from Ginger if she is perky. This is annoying, and it means Ginger is trying too hard.

  • Attitude - This will mean a lot to Franklin, although it also will be as fake as Ginger’s intent to go home with you. Be on the lookout for the "I don’t care" variety. This is what you want. It appeals to your desire to run laps. Don’t ask.

Breasts - At this stage, Ginger’s breasts should become only a very small issue, although they SHOULD NOT BE VERY SMALL themselves. Don’t get these two points confused, for you can shoot yourself in the foot for doing so.

Etiquette - Politeness is the norm in a situation where Ginger has approved Franklin for further testing, much like how the FDA operates. If Ginger is rude from the outset, you’ve somehow intercepted her on the way to another Franklin. It’s best to apologize and leave at this point. If you pursue further, don’t say I didn’t warn you. Rudeness should only be accepted if it follows politeness, in which case Ginger has only now become annoyed with you, or has simply grown tired of the pointless exchange. If she’s attracted to you, disregard it as nothing and continue. For some reason, it’s okay at this point, in Ginger’s opinion. Above all else, do not provoke Ginger - rudeness is assured at this point.

Smoking - If Franklin and Ginger both smoke, things are good. If Franklin and Ginger are both nonsmokers, things are even better. If one smokes and the other doesn’t, proceed with caution. Again, only experienced Franklins should consider continuing. If a dangling cigarette comes into play on Ginger’s part, STAND BACK. Again, this is just a defensive move. Simply be cautious.

Eating - Ginger is probably not going to be eating. If she is, note what she is consuming - dinner plans could be in your future. Other than that, eating is not a concern. Only Ginger thinks it matters.

Drinking - Allow Ginger to drink if she chooses to. It can only aid your quest. To be honest, it actually aids Ginger’s as well, and actually makes things easier.

Breasts - At this point, especially if Ginger has been drinking, breasts are okay for consideration. Remember, this entire ritual/conversation is taking pace because Franklin is being approached by Ginger, not vice versa. This essentially means be inconspicuous about it, and only make mental notes for later review. This is still her ball game.

Sex - Sex is Franklin’s goal. Sex is Ginger’s goal. The only difference is that Ginger pretends it isn’t. Keeping this in mind, it only matters that when it happens, you’re both present.

Speaking - Ginger is, under most circumstances, going to speak. Much of what she says is either pre-planned or simply a tool to weed out the rock-stupid Franklins. Do NOT assume that any Ginger is less than intelligent - it’s just not true. Ginger is actually a higher form of the human species. Try to be cautious of how YOU react to what she says - you ARE being graded, after all.

Departure - Departure is a guaranteed outcome, and there are two possible reasons for it: (1) Approval - If you’ve been deemed acceptable, you will most likely be departing WITH Ginger, at which point all of the above immediately becomes null and void, and the two of you can move on to better and more accurate things. Good job, Franklin! (2) Denial - At any point in the inquisition, Ginger is given the right to abruptly leave, with or without reason, and it is entirely within her power and means to perform some sort of physical attack before doing so. In any case, do not pursue. Straighten yourself up and prepare for a grueling run-in with another Ginger. Better luck next time, Franklin.

      I am aware that, to a large part, I am preaching to the choir on this one. There are, however, a few individuals who mope around #e complaining about lady-troubles. So, Kit_Lo, here is a step-by-step guide on How to Pick up Girls.

Prerequisites and Direction of this Howto

      We are assuming that girls are your sexual preference, and that you are a male. If someone wants to add guides for the opposite sex or for different sexual orientations, that would be more than interesting. However, this one assumes that you are male and not a flaming misogynist. If you are under twenty-one, get a fake ID. It helps if you are at least able to buy drinks.
The target audience is someone who can't tell up from down dating-wise, and their target audience will be girls looking to meet guys. We're talking basic-basic human interaction here, people. If you're trying to meet a girl who is intelligent, trustworthy and good looking, make female friends and network it. (Notice how much calmer and rational things are when you're dealing with a closed set of intelligent individuals?)

Get a lead

      Congregate where attractive girls do. This is superficial but efficient, as they tend to be well-versed in this two step process and less likely to be in your awkward predicament. Go to clubs, bars, parties, etc, preferrably with friends, and talk to a number of people. If you don't have the guts to do that, then you aren't ready for a full-on relationship. If someone is hanging out in a club/bar/party, they won't mind being talked to, as long as you remain respectable. Possible opening lines include: "Hey, I couldn't help but overhear you talking about William Faulkner - have you read a lot of his works?" or "I love that outfit you're wearing, the color truly complements your eyes." Use any clues you have, avoid pick-up lines or general statements - you don't want to come off as the base-minded misogynist you are. The best way to pick up people of the opposite sex is to appear as if you aren't trying to. Also, let her talk - show her that you are willing to listen, and talk about things she brings up.
      If one appears interesting, maintain conversation and keep an eye open for clues of interest. Such clues can range from non-stop smiling to her singing love songs to you and doing favors such as ordering drinks, etc. If these signs do not appear, move on and talk to someone across the room. If she does appear interested, keep talking. Find out if this is the type of person you would want to spend time with, and if so, get her phone number or email address and pay for her drinks.

Establish contact

      The respectable wait time before calling her is about two days. Who am I to say this? Well, for one, I'm writing this and you're reading, so you better believe it. This is plenty of time for her to wonder if you will call or not, and maybe even wait for your call. At the night of the second day, pick up your phone / mailto: and hook it up. Converse briefly and set up a date for later on that week. Being a misogynistic bastard, I like to propose a place to eat/stuff to do, as well as plan out the evening. Make reservations, clean your car, and most importantly be on time. This is all about first impressions, people.

Congratulations, you have just picked up a girl. Chances are she's not what you're looking for in a person, so we'll have to return to square one.

Consider reevaluating what you are truly looking for. If you find someone you get along with great, the rest will follow. Appearance is overvalued. But go ahead, learn the hard way, you're paying. =)

There is a whole different set of protocol for picking up chicks if you yourself are also female.

First thing to remember is, you must feel out whether or not said girl has any inclination towards her same sex. Many different ways to do this. One is by becoming friends and spending time together and basically beating around the bush. The pun isn't intended, but it seems to fit well right where it is. Or you could take the direct approach. Women can do that, there's a lot less hemming and hawing between females. You can point blank ask her if she's ever been with a girl. You can ask her if she were a guy, but I hate this one, what would she find attractive in other women? You could be even more direct and ask "Hey, baby, wanna screw?", but this would merit a slap in the face just as if you were a male predator.

So you've determined she likes the ladies at least on occasion as well. Ask her about her experiences. Ask her when it happened, how, where and with whom. How did she feel about it? Would she do it again? Share some of your experiences. Drop names of actresses or singers who you think are attractive. See if she reciprocates. If she does, do they match you or at least your taste in women?

If she hasn't grabbed you, flung you onto her futon, ripped your little Incubus band shirt off over your head and proceeded to introduce herself to your nipples, then you know you're going to have to take the lead.

Look for the right moment. Look for what her eyes tell you. Is she comfortable casually touching you, sitting next to you? Does she giggle a little more than you would expect at your jokes? Does she go out of her way to graze your arm with hers, does she just need to hug you for no apparent reason? BINGO

The rest is just nature and timing. You can take her by the hand and lead her away from other people. You can ask her if you can kiss her, that seems to work well. If you need more nerve, you can take a sip of something alcoholic, but not too much, because you're gonna want to remember this.

WARNING It is a rare occasion when sex is just sex between two girls. Emotion is a huge player, so tread carefully, you don't want to squash something important.

My best friend and drinking buddy thought of this while out at a bar with a bunch of friends. They dared him to go try to pick up a certain attractive female who was sitting at the bar. He came up with a routine that is just about the perfect way to pick someone up. Hell, this would work just as well if you're a female, and it wouldn't even matter which gender you're trying it on. Just remember that if everyone in the world starts doing this, it'll lose its novelty, and therefore a lot of its effectiveness, so use it sparingly.

The routine is actually very simple. You find someone that you're attracted to, whether they're alone or not, and you go talk to them. Before you even introduce yourself, though, you tell them, "In about five minutes, I'm going to come back over here and hit on you. If you have a problem with that, you can get up and leave. Hell, if you even move over *one seat* I'll know you're not interested and save us both the trouble. But as long as you stay right where you are, I'll be back in five minutes. Talk to you then." Be as charming as possible when you do this. Show confidence, and leave no doubt that you *will* be back in five minutes. Then, leave and go back to your seat.

I guarantee you she's going to watch you go back to your table, and for the next five minutes, she'll probably make periodic glances in your direction. Whenever you catch her doing this, look right back at her while checking your watch. Point at your watch, then at her, if you have to. This is your time to be cutesy and charming. This may also be your time to take a shot of tequila for confidence if you need it. :) As for her, this is her time to discuss you with her friends, and if you're at all attractive and/or well dressed, and even if you're not, her friends will probably be saying all kinds of good things about you. When the five minutes is up, go back and talk to her (assuming she didn't switch *do* have to stick to your word on this one). You'll be in like flint.

The best part about this whole routine is that you allow the chance for a graceful exit. If the woman decides to turn you down, she doesn't have to say it to your face, she simply has to move. It's a lot easier on both of you this way. Plus, if she only moves over one seat, it allows you to have a second chance: after a significant amount of time has passed, when you go back to the bar for a drink, you can say, "You know, if you had gotten up and walked out, I'd be pretty hurt. But since you only moved one seat, maybe one more drink would have made the difference." Then buy her a drink. By that point, at least you'll have talked to her once and you'll be more comfortable, not to mention it'll be closer to closing time, and you'll both have had a few more drinks. And persistence *does* pay off.

Now normally a Google search on this would lead you to a number of tedious websites by self-proclaimed pick up artists who want to rope you into overpriced seminars on neuro-linguistic programming and sell you books with names like "Seduce and Destroy!" or "The Fight Club of Shagging" or "How To Get The Women You Want Into Your Bed Every Time Without Rohypnol." While undoubtedly these books will work for some people, specifically, the sort of people who go out on the pull wearing leather waistcoats and stupid hats and have day jobs as marketrons, my take on them is that they seem to be overegging the pudding rather. In fact, anyone can pick up women as long as they're in reasonable shape and have common sense.

However, for those who still cannot work it out, here is a step-by-step guide to picking up women.

  1. Approach the woman you would like to pick up.

  2. Bend your knees and put both arms around her hips. I mean all the way round. You want to try to aim for some sort of a "bear hug" type arrangement here.

  3. Straighten knees and back. Remember, Safety Bear says always to lift from the knees or you might put your back out - and you will not, repeat, WILL NOT, be able to get compo off her if you hurt yourself thus.

  4. Congratulations! You have picked up a woman!

Of course, it's not always that easy; for larger than life women you may need a slightly different approach. Please ensure that in this case there is a suitable anchor point for your pulley, and remember to obtain her permission before introducing her to your block and tackle or you might get slapped, spat at, or kneed in the crotch.

(I make no apologies for this writeup. If you use the internet as a guide to pulling girls, you deserve everything you get.)

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