I
contend that
Kraft Dinner and
Guinness are all that's needed to satisfy your
nutritional requirements.
The former costs
a dollar a day and the latter 5 dollars a
hit1.
Kraft Dinner came about in
1937, when
Kraft, trying to follow up on its success with
processed cheese singles, marketed a new type of cheese. It was
ostensibly cheddar, but
dehydrated and
powdered. It didn't sell very well, until a couple of stores in
St. Louis Missouri got the idea of tying the packets together with boxes of noodles. This package deal caught on, and somebody at Kraft noticed. Thus was born Kraft Dinner. Kraft began packaging them together in-house, selling them as "
Kraft Macaroni and Cheese Dinner" with the slogan "
Make a meal for 4 in 9 minutes". Of course, here in
Canada, we keep the original name intact. Or, if you look in the back, you can buy it as "
Dîner Kraft".
Various other companies also make
clones (
Katelli comes to mind), but none can match the
neon orange goodness of the original Kraft version.
It has become a staple for
starving college students across
North America, due to its price (89 cents Canadian per box, which will last a student
all day, or longer) and the fact that it is easy to
prepare and clean up (all you need is a
pot and a
fork... and they can both be re-used with only a quick swipe with a
wet cloth).
While available in the US (as the
aforementioned "Kraft Macaroni and Cheese Dinner"), it is most popular in Canada, where with over 100 million boxes sold every
year, it is the
number 1 ranked grocery item in the country. It is somewhat of an institution in Canada, with mothers often sending boxes to sons and daughters going to school
overseas, living in
inhospitable climes where Kraft Dinner is not always available.
(Of course, Kraft Dinner is
not the only Kraft product that is a better seller in some markets than others).
It is thus appropriate that another
Canadian institution has glorified Kraft Dinner. The rock group
Barenaked Ladies, in their song
If I Had A Million Dollars claims that if they had
a million dollars, they wouldn't have to eat Kraft Dinner. But, they conclude, of course, they
would still eat Kraft Dinner... they'd just eat
more. Such is the overwhelming draw of this incredible food.
They go on to mention that they would buy all sorts of
fancy ketchup brands (
catsup to some
Americans) to put on their Kraft Dinner. Unfortunately, this is a sad fact of life.
Millions of people worldwide insist on putting ketchup on their Kraft Dinner, defiling the purity of the dish and marring the holy orange colour with rivers of red. Of course, these people are
heretics (and I can say this because I used to be one of them until I realized
the error of my ways).
Throughout time, Kraft has sold Kraft Dinner under under various promotions. For a long time, they printed collectible
hockey cards on the side of the boxes. My brother has stacks and stacks and stacks of these hidden away. Some of the promotions have affected the noodles themselves; I remember when the
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were all the rage, it was possible to buy boxes of Kraft Dinner where the noodles were shaped like the aforementioned turtles. While this is truly
shocking, it is only a
minor transgression and due to its temporary nature, can be forgiven. Much more disturbing are more
recent developments. On trips to the
supermarket lately, I have noticed that standing alongside the stalwart Kraft Dinner boxes, are
impostors! "Kraft Dinner Spirals". "Kraft Dinner Light". "Mini Kraft Dinner".
GASP! "
Microwaveable Kraft Dinner". And worst of all, the venerable Kraft Dinner has been relegated to the embarrasing position of "Kraft Dinner
Original".
I pledge to you, my friends. I will not rest until these
unthinkable wrongs have been
righted.
1In Canadian Dollars, as of the Turn of the Century.