"Now this is extremely nasty, but we can't prosecute you for that." -Monty Python

Realdoll. Your own private rape and/or necrophilia fantasy come true. Or nearly, anyway; which is the way we know you want it.

Realldolls are made and sold by Abyss Creations, a company based in San Marcos, California. One can only wonder what St. Mark might have thought about what's going on in his town.

Very simply, a Realdoll is a high budget feature film-grade facsimile of a person. A Realdoll's skin is made out of an "exclusive formulation of ultra flesh-like silicone," and it has a skeleton of PVC piping with joints of steel.

The female dolls all* have three "entries": mouth, vagina and anus. The male doll (there is currently only one male version) has the mouth and anal "entries" (anal entry optional), and comes with both a flaccid penis and an erect penis, which are interchangeable.

The dolls weigh around one hundred pounds, with variations depending on what body style you order. The male Realdoll with the anal entry is heavier than the version without, due to the extra structure and bracing required for the "anus."

Each pubic hair is individually punched into the doll's skin, but the hair on the head is a high-quality wig. You have some choices in terms of hair color, hair style, skin tone, eye color, nail color and makeup.

The dolls' nipples can be stretched up to around 400% of normal length without tearing. Try that on a real woman. Or man.

There are eight female dolls. Let's meet them:

  • Leah, the best seller. "Gorgeous and versatile."
  • Stacy, "sultry beauty."
  • Celine, "made famous by Howard Stern."
  • Tami, "truly voluptous." An extra $500 for "extra materials" for this one, guys and gals.
  • Nika, "exotic looks."
  • Amanda, "the most petit style, with smaller breasts."
  • Stephanie, "for those who like large breasts, but don't want to deal with the weight of body style 3 (Tami)."
  • Mai, "our new Japanese head 9 featured on body 2."

The male Realdoll doesn't have a name yet, poor fellow**.

These suckers (pun possibly intended) don't fit in the proverbial "plain brown wrapper," nosiree. They come shipped in a crate which, conveniently, doubles as a storage locker for your new lover. The dolls are strapped to a chair inside the crate. When you spin that combination lock and open the door, there she (or he) will be sitting; holding a flower, greeting you with its slack expression and cold, dead, plastic eyes.

Doesn't that sound erotic?

Your Realdoll is not damaged by water. Take it into the shower or the bath! Let it float face down for hours; it won't mind! The manufacturer even suggests soaking the doll in a hot bath if you want to feel "lifelike body heat."

But wait! There's more. So you're not sure if you want to fuck a fake silicone person? Do you prefer your misanthropic sex experiences with, say, a little pornography? Fear not! Abyss has produced a feature-length Realdoll dirty movie, starring Ron Jeremy. It's yours for $44.95 (plus shipping and handling). If you didn't feel disconnected enough from human sexuality by porn featuring real people, here's your chance to experience all the pleasure of watching someone else have sex with a lifeless woman (or man)-shaped thing.

According to Abyss' FAQ:

  • Realdoll has no noticeable flavor.
  • Realdoll has a "pleasant, fruitlike odor."
  • All of Realdoll's cavities allow deep insertions.
  • Realldoll's structure will accomodate "doggy style" lovemaking.
  • You can pierce Realdoll anywhere.
  • You can use Realdoll as a pool toy.
  • Realdoll can safely support over 500 lbs.
    And, most importantly,
  • every Realdoll comes with a cleaning kit and easy-to-follow instructions for care and use.

Now pardon me while I go have nightmares for the rest of my life.

* mkb, a true Realdoll expert, notes that there may be cheaper versions with only two orifices.

**mofaha, another one of our illustrious Realdoll connoisseurs, claims that the male Realdoll has been named and that its name is Charlie.

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