September 7, 2001

Shall I?
Shan't I?
Shall I?
Shan't I?
I will. Yes, I rather think I will.
I get up, walk down the hall and open the freezer compartment in the fridge to get a mint slice out and eat it.
I'm sorry, what? What's a packet of mint slice biscuits doing in the freezer? Well, surely you all know that chocolate tastes better when it's cold from the fridge. A freezer makes it colder, and therefore better, especially the kind with mint. Fact. My SO taught it to me. Also works well with Mars Bars.

So, I open the freezer to get a mint slice. And stare incomprehensibly. There's only one left. My SO has eaten at least five over the period of last night and this morning, leaving one behind. That's ok. It was their money I used to buy them. It does, however, place me back at the start.
Shall I?
Shan't I?
Shall I?
Shan't I?
I won't. My SO may never know of the effort I made saying no to myself, but I still won't. It probably wouldn't have helped the headache I'm starting to get from the computer screen, and I will get enjoyment from seeing them come home from work, expecting me to have eaten the last one, and being suprised that it's left. My SO may or may not then struggle with themself as I did.
Shall I?
Shan't I?
Shall I?
Shan't I?
But whether they do struggle or not, they will eventually reach into the compartment, withdraw the last mint slice, and eat it, enjoying it's minty goodness. The indecision will be over.

Today I threw in my resignation letter. It's a three month notice. What a relief. Now looking forward to the new place.

They are having IAP this week in my neck of the woods and also the associated multimedia expo. I'll try to visit them tomorrow.

I've been acting kinda insane these past few weeks, and it's made me reflect a lot on these ideas:

• In all love, there is some madness.
• And in all madness, there is some reason.

I interpret that as implying that underlying all emotions of love there are some emotions of madness. Loving someone who is wrong for you, liking a person who is unhealthy for you in so many ways, etc. And yet furthermore there is still some amount of rationalization underlying that madness. There are some reasons for why the maddening pain can seem worth it in exchange for all of the good you see in the person, and all the wonderful things about them you can't stop wanting.

But I've learned recently that the rational hemispheres of our brains, due to physiology, are always given an opportunity to interpose on our emotions. Which would seem to demand the inverse of the ideas in the previous paragraph. The order is reversed, that the love leads to madness; which leads to reasoning. Maybe it goes both ways. Maybe the little neural networks in our heads are full-duplex.

---

Maybe she reads my day logs? Maybe she'll find more reason not to love me because the above seems too boring and analytical? Maybe I ought to mix in something else?

---

There's a spider outside on my window,
Annoying me.
I love it.
But I wish it would be replaced by rain,
Which I love more.

That's not very interesting, but she won't love me anyways so oh well.

The crushing feeling of not knowing the future is looming all around me this week. The future is too volatile right now for even me to predict. Job or no job? If no job, where will I find a new job that can pay all my bills. Baby, boy or girl? I hope girl. Will I be able to afford the baby expenses? Which brings me back to job or no job. Dad is only 2 hours away. I can always go work with him. Would I want to live in a small town again? Very little pressure, very little change, very little exciting, very little to do. Pregnant wife, job or no job after baby is born? Stay home with baby, lose 1000 bucks month income. Save 450/month in childcare expenses. Take in another child to babysit, gain 300/month. Difference 250/month. Worth it or not? Depends on previous question of Job or no Job for me. Vicious circle. Life is wonderful. :)