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"So, like, dude. Did I ever tell you about freshman year at college? I got to Penn State and of course the first week is like, 'ok man, we're all gonna take a shower!' but they have us sit through these dumb-ass lectures about sexual harassment and sensitivity and the dangers of drinking and all that shit. Then we went over to Frat Row and that was just sick, dude.

"I walk in and did about eighteen straight whiskeys and my buddy Phil, from down the hall does a shot of everclear. What a bonehead! He puked for hours after that, all over the DKE bathroom no less. No way he was going to rush them! The Dekes were such pussies anyway, Sigma Nu was so cool. Even the hazing but dude, I can't tell you about that.

"I'd have to say the high point of my freshman year was when we hosed down those feminists who walked past the Sigma Nu house, it was some March to Take the Night Back or something like that. Man, all those wet T-shirts!

"Oh and there was also that Pink Floyd concert. I was so wasted that night. It was unbeLIEvable, when they did that song they always played on 102.5. I can't believe they stopped playing classic rock and are doing talk radio now. What a pack of wusses.

"So, like, now I'm at Goldman Sachs as a junior analyst, and yeah my salary is $xxx,xxx after bonuses but y'know it's just not enough. If J.P. Morgan didn't get bought out by those low-rent dickwads at Chase I'd be there in a heartbeat. Yeah the pay's OK but dude, that condo in Hoboken was not cheap. Neither were the escorts from last year's Superbowl Party.

"Dude, I gotta go. No, man, the bus is about to go into the Lincoln Tunnel, my cell phone's gonna lose reception in about 5 sec---"

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