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As evidenced by my younger sister, you really suck at The Sims when:

  • Your Sim burns down his/her stove every night trying to make dinner, thus raising his/her food expenses $499 per day.
  • Your Sim is too depressed from his/her stove burning excercises to read a book on cooking to solve the problem
  • Your Sim is a policeman, yet s/he calls the police when s/he is getting robbed
  • Said robber steals your stove, adding insult to injury.
  • The wife/husband from your other house abandons her/his comfortable family to live with Stove-Burning-Guy/Gal.
  • Your Sim dies from exhaustion whenever s/he takes a walk on the front lawn.
  • Whenever your Sim and his/her significant other procreate, their offspring is confiscated by social services within the hour.
  • A strange, unknown man comes to visit, and will not get off your toilet no matter how many times you ask him, thus requiring the construction of a new bathroom or the demolition of the house.

  • You use the "rosebud" cheat.
  • You use the "rosebud!;!;!;!;!;!;!;!;!;!;!;!;1" cheat.

Twice in my life, I've been a Sims addict. Twice now, I've tossed the game aside in a fury of self-loathing after arriving at exactly the same point. After I bought the game, and played it long enough, I had to say the Sims was pretty cool. Well, passably cool at least. But when, after about two months of nearly solid virtual-living, I looked up and realized what was going on. My Sim was rushing home from work, grabbing a snack, and then making a beeline for his uber-nice computer (which, on further reflection, was probably faster than my own. Eventually, I plan to give this paradox some further investigation -- Perhaps he was overclocking me?), in front of which he would sit until I ordered him to bed. Eerily, this seemed to be exactly what I was doing, with a daily-increasing frequency! So I tossed the game, and played Quake, instead.

Months later, a friend got me re-hooked. He showed me how to download new items into the game, all kinds of cool stuff. So I set up my new Sim in the ultimate bachelor pad. He had pr0n on the walls, a gameroom with a kick-ass pool table, and 7 chicks in an attached dormitory. What more could he want? Annoyingly, after about two weeks, the chicks had moved out, and Sim #2 was back at his computer, lonely, desperate, and once again, generally humiliating his creator by mere path of existence. So I tossed the game, and played Starcraft, instead.

I really like Quake. And Starcraft.

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