Table Of Contents

Chapter III - How do I insult?

The art of insulting is an art form just like music, painting and masturbation. It must be learned with patience and practice and yet can yield surprisingly quick enjoyment. Most of what you will know will come from practice - you will find out which insults work best on which people, which ethnic groups are quick-tempered, etc. This essay is here to give you the basics, that first push, so that you can ease your way into the deep end.

i) The Overview

An insult, firstly, must be seen as an entity waiting to happen. Like the statue that hides within the stone, in every situation there hides an insult. And also, for every person, there is that special million-dollar insult - the one that will make him flip.

The first thing to do when approaching an insult-likely scenario is to appraise the situation. Whom should I insult? What should I insult? When would be a good time to insult? etc.

Discussion question: At a wedding of a wealthy middle aged man to a sexy young model, whom should you insult?

  1. The fat husband
  2. The dumb blonde
  3. The richest guest
  4. The caterer
  5. The mother-in-law
  6. The rabbi or priest

Of course, if you have been paying attention up to now, you will know that the answer is all of them.
Except, maybe, for the richest guest, if there is a chance of getting some money off him, or the blonde, if there is a chance of getting some clothes off her.

ii) The Honing In

Now that you have found whom to insult, we must work on what to insult. This step is known as POWS - Picking Out the Weak Spots. It is important, as the name suggests, to pause for a second and evaluate the target. In many instances, the object of insult is obvious. For example, if the person you wish to insult is a fat fuck, you may want to focus on the fact that he is a fat fuck. Cholesterol level would be a good point of focus too, and should be considered a good angle if the opportunity arises.
Cellulite as a percentage of body weight is also not bad. Lipids are quite a good topic to bring up, as is a saturated vs. unsaturated fat intake group discussion. Intelligence, though perhaps also a point of weakness, should probably not be your first aim.

iii) The Angle

How are you going to approach the subject of interest? Let's take the above example. A simple "Hey, fatso!" is effective, yet crude. For the insult to be both effective and witty, one should look for the angle. I can go on for pages on this topic, but I will leave it to you to find new angles. I will just give a couple of examples of possible angles for the fat fuck above.

  1. "Is it a boy or a girl?"
  2. "Excuse me, sir, but on a scale of 1 to 10, you are a fat fuck."
N.B. It is on purpose that the first insult refers to the effeminate nature of the person. If he is not effeminate, no matter - it will still work. However, if it is mostly muscle and not fat - beware from this sort of comments.

Now that you are more or less aware of the how's of insulting, let's move on to some common topics of insult.

P.S. As a reply to gahacachino's w/u: LEARN TO READ. My name is spelled with a capital F, you slut.

Back to Chapter II - Who do I insult? . . . Forward to Chapter IV - Parental Insults

Your mother must have taught you grammar - she ought to stick to sucking my ass, that's what she's good at! (Is that about right?)

As an aside, (you rat bastard) you might want to think about changing firstly to first, it's not being used properly (like I used your washcloth to cleanse my ass).

Thank you, footprints, for your teachings.
A rebuttal for the asshole - FFFFootbrprints, I'd tell you to "look who's talking" but I'm sure a new mirror is more than you could afford.

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