Watching TV is an art that has been mastered by very few people. It requires skillful precision, deception, and cunning. It is much like being a spy, except by the end of the day, you've gained weight through lack of exercise as opposed to lost weight due to strenuous gymnastic workouts. Watching TV is an art that you won't find in any museum. Watching TV is an art that is practiced correctly only by a few fortunate souls. In the next page or so I will be outlining for you the correct daily TV watching routine through a series of uncomplicated steps and procedures to ensure the most basic and enjoyable experience.

Before I start outlining the steps of this exercise in fit-lessness, I will go over the ingredients you will need. Please be aware that the materials you are required for this task are listed for their importance.

Television Connection (Cable, Antenna, Satellite Receiver)
Seat (Couch, Chair, Recliner)
TV Guide or some sort of channel list
Sustenance (Preferrably something fattening/junky)
Remote Control
Hassock/Foot Rest

The television is the most essential object for viewing. One could literally sit in an empty room with a television on static, and it would still be considered watching TV. Next up, after the television, is some sort of connection. This can be Cable, a connector that is run along telephone poles and comes in two flavors, Digital Cable and what I like to call Analog Cable. Your local Cable company can fill you in on those details. Antenna is good for just the local stations, not only that but you only have to pay ten dollars for an antenna hook-up at RadioShack and you never have to pay for TV again. Or there's Satellite, a big circular dish that sits on the side of your house pointing towards the heavens. There's a lot of debate between Cable subscribers and Satellite subscribers. Frankly, I don't know the difference, so I won't wax on about that to you.

Next item is some sort of seat. For maximum comfort, you want a chair with a backing to it. Armrests are good, but not required, so if you have a couch, that works. The best kind of seat you can find is one that puts you in a state similarly to being quite tired, but never to sleep. You should feel the need to shift positions once or twice during your time watching TV. If you fall asleep, then all is lost and you have to start watching all over again.

Now comes the really optional things. These are not required for the experience, but are generally needed for the maximum amount of comfort available. Among these are a TV Guide or some other form of channel listing (sometimes this comes with the daily newspaper, though usually it only lists primetime, six p.m. to midnight), food (junk food usually, pretzels and beer if you're old enough, cheetos are nice, fritos are tasty, some people like doritos, personally I'm a fan of popcorn), a remote control (so you can sit at a fair distance from the television and surf, though surfing is not required if one channel shows non-stop goodness), and lastly a hassock so you can rest your feet on a level plane with your buttocks.

Step 1: Take a Seat

Here is where your hard work obtaining the objects comes into play. You will want to place the chair at a reasonable distance from the television, but not so far away you can't see it. A good rule of thumb is, you can be as close as you want to the TV, but there is such a thing as being too far away. You may also want to sit down in the chair before you turn on the TV and see if everything is alright. When you sit down, you should be able to see the television in your direct line of sight. If, say, you are facing the other direction, or slightly to the left, the seat may require a little adjustment.

The next phase of the seating operation is to get yourself into recline mode. If you are in a recliner, this should be the simple task of leaning the chair back and putting up the optional footrest/hassock. If you are on a couch, slide down it a bit so your head rests neatly against the headboard so that you don't have to support the weight with your neck and shoulders. Splay your legs out haphazardly if it's comfortable, we're going for near-maximum comfort. Remember, you don't want to be so comfortable that you'll fall asleep in the seat, but you don't want to look like you're awake either.

Step 2: Using the Television

Before we begin, once again make sure the screen is facing your very comfortable position. This is very essential, you must not have anything evading your direct line of sight of the screen, this includes flashy objects in your peripheral view. Once you are satisfied with the angle and intensity of your proximity to the television set, you must turn it on. Press the power button. If you have a remote, the power button is usually located near the top of the remote and it is often red, though not always. Depending on your television, the power button could be one of many varities. You have the Push-Pull knob, which is a simple pull out and the TV turns on; the volume/power knob, where a little turn to the right will click on the television (you may need to exert a small amount of force to actually power-up the television); and lastly the modern and popular power button, which is most often located near the bottom of the set and contains the word POWER above or below it.

There are two other features that we'll cover in this section. Though televisions often come with thousands of features (picture-in-picture, channel surf, flashback/previous channel, and mute being popular ones) I will only cover two other features: Volume, the amplification of noise coming through your set; and Channel, which of the many offered "station signals" you choose to interpret through your set. Volume usually comes in two flavors, Loud (+) and Quiet (-). Loud will, as the name suggests, increase the volume so that if you are hard of hearing or you want to annoy your neighbor, you have the option. Quiet is the exact opposite, though I very often neglect the opportunity to use this button. Channel has Up and Down buttons. These two buttons change which signal received by the television you want to be interpreted through the set.

Step 3: Picking a Station

There are two ways you can do this. You can "channel surf," a term coined in the sixties with the invention of the remote control, when surfing with a portable television became all the rage. Many televisions were ruined before the invention of "waterproof electronics" came around. But I digress, channel surfing is the act of flipping rampantly through channels until something enticing appears on the screen. For males, this is usually a scene involving explosions, curse-words, guns, or semi-naked to naked women. For women, this involves women fighting back against their abusive men, a little boy with cancer, or two people in love. Though women are rarely found channel-surfing and usually end up on one station for several hours. Not to come off as sexist however, men enjoy romance sometimes and women often partake in death and maiming. I would comment that this is often accompanied by feelings of homosexuality, but I don't want to offend anyone.

Channel surfing also deals with the problem of commercials. Often a show will go for five to ten minutes, and then will cut to a commercial break for four. The impatient soul will immediately hit the up or down channel keys and attempt to find something equally exciting, or just flip around until the user realizes the show is back on.

Another method to finding a show is to use a TV Guide or channel listing. To use, one simply must look for the right date and time that corresponds in the book with the date and time it currently is at time of viewing. The channel list will read up and down, telling the names of shows and sometimes highlighting episode titles or a brief blurb about a movie. To go to the preferred show, one simply enters the channel number into the remote control. On some remote controls one must press an Enter key, but not generally. If you are lacking a remote control, a simple up and down channel button procedure will, in time, procure the correct channel number and visualization can proceed.

If you are using Satellite or Digital Cable, you can look through a listing of current channels and the shows they are playing at all times and pick and choose the channel that way. I won't go into detail how that is done, but it is very handy and should not go unnoticed. If you are on normal cable television, there is a TV guide channel, but you have no control over the speed of the channels it shows and you can't select them from the menu, you must enter the channel numbers as they come up. If you are on local TV, you're S.O.L., but it's ok, because it's not like you have very many stations to flip through anyway.

Step 4: Relax

As stated before in the seating section, this is highly important for the watching TV experience and mastery. You will need to be comfortable in your seat. For increased comfort, make sure the heat level in the room is a comfortable one and bring in good foods, which is mostly what this section is really about, food.

Step 4: Really It's All About Food

Food is really important to the television experience. While it has to be something that will, ultimately, fill you up, it can't be something that has mass and it has to take a long time. Some considerations are bready junk foods like chips, pretzels, or doughnuts. Pretty much the food of choice is something you can eat without moving too many muscles. The most muscles you want to use would be one arm and your mouth. Anything in a bag or a box or a bowl that you can conveniently place near you is ideal. For meals, a microwave dinner on a TV tray is the probable situation. Yes, you will have to adjust away from your comfortable situation, but it is important to have four meals a day. Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner, and a Midnight Meal. There's really not much topic to be covered in the food section. Just remember that if it takes effort, it's probably not worth time away from TV.

So that's it!

You can now watch TV with the best of them. Once you complete the four steps I've outlined above, you will be a television master and nobody will ever watch better than you. Remember, whatever you'll be watching, I'll be watching too.

This is Caleb Orion Richards, over and out.

As valuable as the information above is to the novice television enthusiast, in these modern times of "computers" and "Internets," we have begun to lose our natural born ability to watch and enjoy television. Let us endeavor to change this.

What I have done is "acquire" a building in downtown Utica, New York (my current location while hiding from the FBI) that contains an abandoned privately owned television station from the 1960s. I will use this station to bring the joy of television back to millions of potential enthusiasts around this great nation of ours. I have a plan.

Let me talk to you a little bit about television and the shows that used to be on television before awful things transpired and now we have jack shit except if you go to Redblocks or one of those places and pay to watching "streaming television" or some load of crap like that. In the 1970s we had TELEVISION, real television, not Redblocks of television you pay for outside the supermarket. That is uncalled for but that is what the liberals wanted and that was what they got. No television and tofu rammed up your ass by glue sniffing dipshits from Detroit. That is ALL we have now and we are supposed to lie down and accept it. Enough is enough. I am leading the charge to fight back in the name of patriotism and other jingoistic terms I will introduce you to as the night goes on. Pull up a chair. You are going to be here for quite some time believe me. There is much to learn.

Have you ever heard the saying "Their earlier stuff was better?" That is true of television and I will make a believer of you, just as I did with The Monkees all those years ago when they paid me twenty-five millions dollars to get them on television. So, I am a serious character, believe me when I tell you this. It is the most important thing for you to believe right now. Do you believe? I hope so because otherwise... well, I am trying to make better decisions so I would give you a stern talking to and then slap you hard enough across the face to dislodge ONE tooth and I will take no further action provided your attitude towards me becomes dutiful and subservient. After that you will take me more seriously and hopefully remain in your chair for the rest of the lecture as a true believer.

Imagine living in a world of television, where at a very specific time each week you could tune in to see quality programs like Little House on the Prairie, Gunsmoke, and Happy Days. People joined hands and expressed a desire to buy the world a Coke and live in harmony. All this was made possible by that thing you disregard with such propensity that it sickens me down to my bowels: Television. Also, Rose Bowl Parade is something to look into in this regard. Very highly regarded thing that was also on television. What do you have now? Redblocks in front of the store and no fucking television. This is why this country is going down the toilet. Do you understand? Back in the 1970s we had television programs that we could watch after a hard day at the office while our wives twitched at every noise and busied themselves in the kitchen and didn't butt in to man business. They could watch Mary Tyler Moore and The Thorn Birds if they needed some television. We had Kojak. Enough said. Clearly I am in the right here.

Although I do not have access to any of those programs as far as broadcasting them on my television station, I have some people who are willing to star in new shows I will produce and show on my television station. There is quivering mass of Chopper in the shoe box. He is always up for anything. Chester Mann seems to have survived the wholesale slaughter that greeted my allies and I a while back. And my bride-to-be Trixie Horn is dying to be a star. And so, if you are willing to move to Utica, I will help you find a television on eBay (now that the liberals have shuttered most of our malls in their endless thirst to destroy the economy) and you can watch my television shows on your new television. I recommend a 19" screen for maximum enjoyment.

Last week when I was having sexual intercourse with one of your most emotionally fragile relatives and/or friends, I had an idea about some shows that would hold true to the spirit of television. I will deliver the goods and they will be tasty to your palate. You will be pleased to become a new television viewer once you move to my broadcasting area? Is this fair? I think it is more than fair. Come to Utica. Soon we will have television here as I am sure once there was. A nice old man down on the corner was talking to me about The Jeffersons the other day. That is something I will work with as far as what are known in the business as "themes" (a word you might want to jot down if you want to be a writer of any note). I think it will work in nicely with my Must See Lineup.

This is what I propose. As a man you go to work and come home to dinner on the table and then settle in for an evening of Prime Time television. This will be all that you need in life going forward. I want you to learn how to watch television like we used to do when everything was perfect for everyone.

The problem, of course, is we have all these people who are watching things whenever it suits them instead of when it is scheduled like you are supposed to and this is absolutely and undeniably causing problems for the nation's economy. WATCH THE FUCKING SHOW AT THE SCHEDULED TIME OR GO FUCK YOURSELF. I'm saying that RIGHT NOW because I am done. Completely DONE with this watch shit whenever you want crap. It pisses me off to NO END because it is dead wrong. DEAD WRONG. According to something I read on the Internets, Americans currently list "People not watching television appropriately" as the number one problem in the nation today, with a total of 81% of people interviewed listing it as "extremely concerning." We need to think about this and we need to act.

I am absolutely serious when I say I will come to your home and I will permanently affix you and your family to your living room furniture with a high-end nail gun and force you to learn how to watch television properly. This program can HONESTLY help you become a better viewer of scheduled television programming. It will be coming soon. Look for it at local retail outlets this summer. I just need some capital.

We have been letting assholes do this crap for far too long. It reminds me of the permissiveness we showed when people started with their nonsense about not eating meat. Under my rule, you WILL eat meat at the appropriate times as instructed by your local government. If you resist, your head will be forced back, your mouth held open by large men, and your jaw forced to chew one piece of meat after another and you will swallow. No spit, no quit. Once your resistance to meat has been overcome, you will join us in slaughtering a new herd and help us force more meat down the throats of the godless meat resistance. Enough is enough with these people. Freedom is BACK and in a big way.

You will NOT deviate from this plan as it will impact overall productivity in our textile mills and coal mines that are forthcoming in the next few years under my presidency because I will win even though there is an issue with no GOP primaries in half the places and there is still that issue about me being born and raised overseas. This plan is the only thing that makes sense because it is based on facts that cannot be countered because they are facts. Duly noted.

Under my unfettered rule, you will get up at 5am and go to your job at textile mill, factory, or coal mine. You will get off at five and come home where a dutiful wife has dinner on the table and obedient children are in their chairs eating their meat. They are eating HUGE amounts of it because THAT is what you do with meat. You don't turn your back on meat. You consume it. Anything less is simply not factual in nature. It is a lie. It cannot be defended, just as you CANNOT in ANY way defend not watching television programs at their properly scheduled time. So, after this proper dinner with obedience shown by your family, you go to the television and turn it on. It is time for Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy and then it is time for Behr's Must See Lineup.

8:00 - 8:30. In this time slot we will have a family comedy in which a funny family that has a very comfortable lifestyle is dealing with modern problems, such as dad disappointing his boss at the coal mine and getting a proper beat down for his inadequate performance at his job and is in a coma for three months. The family pulls together and we see some real bootstrap pulling up kind of slapstick comedy. I will make regular appearances on the show as the offbeat character Udall, who wears rainbow colored suspenders and nerdy glasses and walks into the family's house saying "Did I do that?" a lot.

8:30 - 9:00. The Tim Allen Show. With Tim Allen or someone who looks like him talking about tools and manly things with youngsters.

9:00 - 9:30. A show about three guys who are friends and three girls who are also friends who occasionally have sex with each other. I will make cameos as the neighbor who watches them doing it through the window because it is my right under the First Amendment.

9:30 - 10:00. A Seinfeld type program but with much cheaper actors who have extremely conservative beliefs. I will play Roger, the bizarre neighbor who comes over and helps himself to Harry the star's food and drink.

10:00 - 11:00. Business World. This will be an hour long drama about businessmen and their dangerous work in the world of business as they face sales quotas, deadlines, and doing their secretaries in closets. See real heroes in action.

11:00 - 11:30. Local Conservative News Channel. So you can get new learnings about what is really going on in the world.

11:30 - 12:30. The Tonight Show with Roseanne Barr. Quality guests who talk about being better at your job and the value of showing up to work on time and doing everything your boss tells you to do without question.

These programs aren't going to start on their own. I need your help in the form of $70,000 checks ($144,000 for couples and families) to get the ball rolling so that we can change the world for the better together. We can make the world better by making better choices. Together. Through television.

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