Dihydrogen Monoxide

No one will deny that drug abuse has reached epidemic proportions in our country, but everyone including parents and government officials seem to be at a loss for the solution to this problem. We've tried educational programs, television commercials, and "get-tough" policies, all of which have had virtually no effect upon the nation's drug use, but we overlook the real problem: water, the ultimate gateway drug.

Water, the street name for dihydrogen monoxide (sometimes called ice when in its "rock" form), is an insidious substance that has addicted almost every man, woman, and child in the world. Dihydrogen monoxide has addictive qualities more potent than those of heroin. When an addict tries to quit, withdrawal symptoms include an incredible desire for the drug, called "thirst", hallucinations, shaking of the extremities, and inevitably, death, making the addiction, once rooted, impossible to recover from.

There are many dangerous substances that our society abuses, but the casual attitude with which water is looked upon is what truly makes it sinister. The average American citizen is first introduced to this drug before they've reached the age of one year, not by pushers, but by their own parents who are supposed to love and care for their offspring yet enslave them to a life of dangerous dependency. The habit is reinforced by the institution of school, where machines dispense the drug on demand in the hallways. An average dose of dihydrogen monoxide is 225 grams, and by adulthood, many users have accommodated themselves to eight or more doses per day!

Addiction is not the only inherent danger of the drug. Pure dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, and tasteless, but pure water is rarely available on the street. Much of the "supply" is tainted with toxins, pollution, and even human waste. Impurities found in street quality water can kill an unsuspecting addict. Those seeking a better "trip" may shell out thousands of dollars a year for bottled dihydrogen monoxide marketed under brand names such as Evian and Aquafina. Last but definitely not least, let us not forget this simple fact: everyone who drinks water dies.

We will never solve our country's growing drug problem until we outlaw water and take a good, hard look at the type of society that allows its infants to begin a life-long addiction to one of the world's most deadly substances.

Some of my friends, for a community college english project took upon themselves to get signatures for a petition for banning Dihydrogen Monoxide. They went around their college, using lines from the above, asking for support.

They got quite a few signatures... nobody caught them on the whole joke. Some people didn't sign, but not because they figured it out, just because they didn't want to deal with the whole petition thing.

Scares me what people will sign without looking at it at all.

Dihydrogen monoxide is a common chemical, used in both the industrial and commercial sectors. It is a deceptively simple molecule with some very interesting properties. Not only does it expand when chilled, it spontaneously enters a gaseous state even room temperatures and acts as a near-universal solvent. These properties make it very useful in a number of settings, but also make it a great threat to public health and safety in our society. Despite this, there are no laws or regulations limiting its use, and it can be found at surprisingly high levels throughout our homes and the environment.

Many major corporations are using dihydrogen monoxide as a coolant, releasing it, both in its pure form and mixed with other chemicals, into rivers and streams. It then becomes a major contributor to the erosion of the landscape. After evaporating, it is the leading cause of global warming. It collects in smogbanks, eventually to fall back down onto major cities worldwide.

It is a major contributor of the spread of viral and bacterial infections, and can be found in varying amounts in the bloodstream of all tested Americans, often resulting in hypertension, excessive sweating, and diarrhea.

It also encourages the growth of fungi and causes rot in wooden structures. It causes structural weakening and decomposition of iron and other metals, leading to billions of dollars worth of damage every year. It can also dissolve and spread many harmful chemicals. Dihydrogen monoxide was instrumental, for example, in enabling the spread of the Exxon Valdez oil spill over such a large area. It is also a major component of acid rain.

Dihydrogen monoxide is the most commonly used industrial chemical in the world, and it is found in many household cleaning products. It is also used as a food additive and is a more common ingredient in our municipal water supplies than either fluoride or chlorine. More than 3000 Americans die every year from overexposure to dihydrogen monoxide; economist Steven D. Levitt estimates that over 500 children under the age of ten die each year just from concentrations of dihydrogen monoxide found in their own backyards and public play areas.

While dihydrogen monoxide is often in short supply, government subsidies keep the cost absurdly low, and encourage its abuse and overuse. This overuse of OH² is one of the greatest environmental concerns in the world today. If current trends continue we may see a death toll in the millions.

This month, city officials in Aliso Viejo, California considered banning Styrofoam cups from city-sponsored events, in part because the manufacturing process involves a dangerous chemical, Dihydrogen Monoxide. It seems that a paralegal working for the city actually took seriously a website claiming what other writeups here do: that Dihydrogen Monoxide is involved in acid rain, cancer, pesticides, and many other objectionable phenomena. City documents stated that foam containers are made from a chemical that could “threaten human health and safety,” and should thus be banned.

The city is still considering banning foam containers, though now simply because they’re a pain to clean up when they break into small pieces.

This story was reported by the Associated Press at <http://customwire.ap.org/dynamic/stories/H/H2O_HOAX/>. More about the Dihydrogen Monoxide issue can be found at <http://snopes.com/toxins/dhmo.htm> and <http://www.dhmo.org/>, and in other Everything2 writeups.