When you enter the restroom, you should always select the urinal that is as far away as possible from men who are using other urinals. Here are some illustrations of various urinal situations and the proper course of action for each.
Situation #1
All urinials are empty:
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Correct Action: Take the urinal on either
edge. This allows
others to comply with the following
rules most
effectively.
Situation #2:
One urinal is taken.
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Correct Action: Obviously, the urinal on the right is the only true
choice. This minimizes the chance of any contact whatsoever with the person you're sharing the
bathroom with.
Situation #3:
Two urinals are taken.
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Correct Action: Middle Urinal. Otherwise, you end up right
next to somebody. This is not an option at this point.
Situation #4
Three urnials are taken.
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Correct Action: No urinal is
acceptable. The bathroom has reached
critical mass and you must either leave and come back later or use a
stall. Under no
circumstances should more than three urinals be in use at one time.
Some other rules of note:
When choosing a stall, see the above urinal choice rules.
Stools are for sitting.
Do not urinate into a toilet while standing. This is ok at home, but in public no one wants to listen to any more sounds than are absolutely necessary. The sound of pee dropping from 3 feet up into water can be completely eliminated if you just sit your ass down.
Sometimes standing cannot be avoided, generally for sanitary reasons. If this is the case, NEVER pee with the lid down. If for any reason you stand to pee at a toilet without putting the lid up, you will be among the first to be purged when the revolution comes.
Don't grunt.
Your bowels do not require any help from your vocal chords. If you are in pain, take it like a man. Grunting in pain is no different than complaining loudly to everyone in the restroom about how bad your ass hurts. On the other hand, if you are enjoying yourself, reflect silently upon your pleasure and you can tell your grandchildren about it someday. Do not express your joy to the people around you in the restroomm
When other people have to listen to your trials and tribulations, they are made uncomfortable and are unable to calmly go about their own business.
There is a time limit.
Sometimes you get to the urinal and you can't pee - you experience the dreaded "Shy Stream". This is likely to happen if people around you are disregarding the rules. It can happen when you are under pressure, such as when 100 people are waiting on you at the movie theatre, or when the person in a nearby stall is making noises like he's passing an angry goat through his rectum.
If this should occur, there is a time limit during which you can stand at the urinal. That time limit is equal to the longest time which you have ever taken to pee under normal, comfortable circumstances. This is longer than you might think at first - anyone who's ever been in a bar bathroom knows that a good pee can take 40 seconds or more, including pre- and post- operations such as fly opening and shakeoff.
If you exceed this time limit, you must act as if you are finished. Zip up, wash your hands, leave the room. You can come back later, but for now you must accept your shame and pray that no one noticed your failure.
Take note: While phobias about social contact in the bathroom are probably a reliable indicator of many things, they do not guarantee homophobia. For a lot of guys (gays and straights alike) going to the bathroom is an extremely personal affair. It is not the fear that someone might see our genitalia that drives us. It is our fear that someone might expect, nay, force us to share in their bathroom experience.