This Writeup Contains Spoilers
It can't go wrong can it? It's
snakes, on a
plane. It's about snakes, smuggled on to a plane. Two of the best movie elements ever (plus
Samuel L. Jackson), and surely it can't fail. Can it?
Apart from the less-than-impressive title (Jackson has admitted that he only took the role because of it), I thought it would be a commendable
action film with well-placed horror
elements in
just the right amounts as I walked into the theater yesterday and took my seat.
The film opens with shots of
Hawaiian surf, before focussing on a
motorcyclist riding around the
island. Initial
disappointment at the revelation that this is not Jackson when he takes his helmet off soon fades, as a man drops into the scene hanging by his ankles, and is promptly beaten to death with a
baseball bat.
O-kay.
Fast forward a little way and we find that the man was the
prosecuting lawyer for some
terrorist, the motorcyclist (whose name is Sean) is a witness and is required to fly to
LA to testify against him. Can you see where this is going?
Sean, Samuel and another FBI agent take up the whole of the
first class cabin, and we take off, albeit not without some
objections from the first-class
passengers bumped down to coach. But they now have a new worry, as there are now snakes. On a plane. Somehow smuggled on board, they are released in the
cargo hold, and after devouring a few
baby kittens down there, make their way to the
cabin.
Actually, not straight to the cabin. They take out one of the pilots, a couple having
sex in the bathroom (a
milk snake clings to her
breast, ironically) and a guy peeing with his eyes closed. Guess where
that snake bites him. OK, so we know the film is not above fairly
crude humour, but that's
not enough to condemn the film is it?
Snakes drop down with the
oxygen masks. A snake devours a pet
chihuahua (you see it coming a mile off). A snake eats a large
business man whole. Snakes corner a
honeymooning couple and spit
venom at them, another bites a ten-year-old boy, another bites a bodyguard on the
ass. It's kind of fun, but our witness for the prosecution is still unharmed. There must have been a better way to kill him off, surely? Like a bomb?
Well by now, the snakes are trapped in the coach section by an inflatable rubber
dinghy (Great! That should stop an army of 500 snakes from getting up here!) and plans are made to organise
medical help in LAX. Bring in the
poisonous snakes expert! It seems that the snakes are from
all over the world, and no hospital can get
antivenom for everyone within the next few days. Fortunately though, we know that only one man has the resources to get this many snakes on the plane, and he has all the antivenom that's needed.
Blah blah blah, where are we?
I think I fell asleep for a minute there. We're coming in to land at
LAX? We need to get rid of all the snakes?
"
Enough is enough. I have had it with these muthafuckin' snakes on this muthafuckin' plane! I'm gonna open some windows."
Great idea Sammy. Shooting the windows out eliminates all the snakes. Everyone's
freezing,
deafened, repeatedly being
battered by objects getting sucked out and everyone's
holding on for dear life, but at least there's no more muthafuckin' snakes. The plane is landed by an inept
lard-ass who plays
flight simulators on his
PlayStation 2, and is thus ready to land a half-depleted
jumbo jet at a bustling international
airport.
Sod this, I'm leaving. Oh wait, they're exchanging
phone numbers. Everyone's OK.
Now can I leave? Oh all right, a departing shot of Jackson
surfing, then I'm definitely off.
Snakes On A Plane is a cross between
Final Destination and
Airplane!, without any of things that made those movies great. SOAP can't decide if it wants to be an
action, a
thriller, a
comedy or a
horror, and instead of being all four it is stuck between them, dancing between them, all the time making a fool of itself. It's ridiculous, it's unrealistic, it's a mess and it's overrated. Still,
4chan seems to like it.