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SNAKES! ON A PLANE!

Yes, my friends, this is in fact a movie that is going to be released on August 18, 2006. It purports to have all of those things that movies should:

Plot: There are actually snakes, on a plane.
Subplot: Something about the mafia or cops or something.
Protagonist: Samuel L. Jackson
Other characters: Pilots, flight attendants, comic relief, mafia members... and, presumably, snakebait.
Dialogue: "Enough is enough. I've had it with these snakes." This line appears in the trailer, as does a lot of screaming, hissing, frenetic guitar soundtrack, and stuff blowing up -- but I assume that this line of dialogue, while fascinating, to-the-point, and deeply moving (tears sprang unbidden into my eyes), cannot stand alone, and must be accompanied by at least three others. (Possibly, "Why are you holding that gun?", "What is that hissing sound coming from the oxygen masks?", or "In case of emergency, the exits are located here and here.")
Snakes: The trailer shows several, suggesting that this is one Hollywood promise that will be well kept.

In addition to having these movie-like qualities, Snakes on a Plane also has, through the love of internet users, attained the much more valuable cultural role of wildly popular and completely obscure internet meme (fancy word for in-joke). Now, even just the abbreviation -- SOAP, in case you didn't notice -- can be capitalised or punctuated in any number of exciting ways to express every emotion possible, ie, happiness, sadness, shock, anger, and wtf?1!?!!?.

So, should you find yourself in a situation where all you can say is, "Shit happens," or some equivalent thereof, replace it with the much more kid-friendly saying, "Snakes on a plane." After all, the title of this pop-culture phenomenon masquerading as a movie is actually a brilliantly succinct statement on the extreme absurdist nature of all human (and reptilian) life.

So, herpetophiles and airline pilots rejoice. Your moment has come. Say it with me: "Snakes on a plane."

Snakes on a plane.


Update: February 19, 2007: I have now seen this movie twice, once on opening night and once a few weeks ago. It has percolated in my brain for a bit, and I have to conclude that this movie lived up to my expectations, and then, when that kid says, "This shit is bananas!" it blew past everything and expanded my mind to a degree that only mind-altering drugs had previously done.

Or something like that. But, seriously, it was a great movie.

This Writeup Contains Spoilers It can't go wrong can it? It's snakes, on a plane. It's about snakes, smuggled on to a plane. Two of the best movie elements ever (plus Samuel L. Jackson), and surely it can't fail. Can it?

Apart from the less-than-impressive title (Jackson has admitted that he only took the role because of it), I thought it would be a commendable action film with well-placed horror elements in just the right amounts as I walked into the theater yesterday and took my seat.

The film opens with shots of Hawaiian surf, before focussing on a motorcyclist riding around the island. Initial disappointment at the revelation that this is not Jackson when he takes his helmet off soon fades, as a man drops into the scene hanging by his ankles, and is promptly beaten to death with a baseball bat.

O-kay. Fast forward a little way and we find that the man was the prosecuting lawyer for some terrorist, the motorcyclist (whose name is Sean) is a witness and is required to fly to LA to testify against him. Can you see where this is going?

Sean, Samuel and another FBI agent take up the whole of the first class cabin, and we take off, albeit not without some objections from the first-class passengers bumped down to coach. But they now have a new worry, as there are now snakes. On a plane. Somehow smuggled on board, they are released in the cargo hold, and after devouring a few baby kittens down there, make their way to the cabin.

Actually, not straight to the cabin. They take out one of the pilots, a couple having sex in the bathroom (a milk snake clings to her breast, ironically) and a guy peeing with his eyes closed. Guess where that snake bites him. OK, so we know the film is not above fairly crude humour, but that's not enough to condemn the film is it?

Snakes drop down with the oxygen masks. A snake devours a pet chihuahua (you see it coming a mile off). A snake eats a large business man whole. Snakes corner a honeymooning couple and spit venom at them, another bites a ten-year-old boy, another bites a bodyguard on the ass. It's kind of fun, but our witness for the prosecution is still unharmed. There must have been a better way to kill him off, surely? Like a bomb?

Well by now, the snakes are trapped in the coach section by an inflatable rubber dinghy (Great! That should stop an army of 500 snakes from getting up here!) and plans are made to organise medical help in LAX. Bring in the poisonous snakes expert! It seems that the snakes are from all over the world, and no hospital can get antivenom for everyone within the next few days. Fortunately though, we know that only one man has the resources to get this many snakes on the plane, and he has all the antivenom that's needed.

Blah blah blah, where are we? I think I fell asleep for a minute there. We're coming in to land at LAX? We need to get rid of all the snakes?

"Enough is enough. I have had it with these muthafuckin' snakes on this muthafuckin' plane! I'm gonna open some windows."

Great idea Sammy. Shooting the windows out eliminates all the snakes. Everyone's freezing, deafened, repeatedly being battered by objects getting sucked out and everyone's holding on for dear life, but at least there's no more muthafuckin' snakes. The plane is landed by an inept lard-ass who plays flight simulators on his PlayStation 2, and is thus ready to land a half-depleted jumbo jet at a bustling international airport. Sod this, I'm leaving. Oh wait, they're exchanging phone numbers. Everyone's OK. Now can I leave? Oh all right, a departing shot of Jackson surfing, then I'm definitely off.

Snakes On A Plane is a cross between Final Destination and Airplane!, without any of things that made those movies great. SOAP can't decide if it wants to be an action, a thriller, a comedy or a horror, and instead of being all four it is stuck between them, dancing between them, all the time making a fool of itself. It's ridiculous, it's unrealistic, it's a mess and it's overrated. Still, 4chan seems to like it.

It has been brought to my attention that you "people" think I hate all movies. This probably has something to do with how much Miami Vice sucked. Well, it's time I prove you all wrong. Here's a movie that kicked more ass than an evil kick-boxing champion against a dozen kindergarten classes.

That's right kids. Snakes On A Plane.

B Movies have been common throughout the decades. They are something of a rite of passage for most directors/writers/actors. Often, they'll go almost completely unnoticed by the public eye. Snakes on a Plane should have been one of those movies.

It was not.

Samuel L. Jackson saw this script and, based on the name alone, decided to be in the movie. Think about that. Samuel L. Jackson wanted to beat up snakes. On a plane. The man who played the awesome Jedi in Star Wars. The man who was beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish. This is one of Hollywood's most bad-ass men. And he wants to be in a movie called "Snakes On A Plane". You are a damn fool if you think it won't be good.

Credits

Director: David R. Ellis
Writers: Sheldon Turner / Sebastian Gutierrez / John Heffernan / David Dalessandro
Producer: Craig Berenson / Don Granger

Actors:
Samuel L. Jackson as Agent Nelville Flynn
Nathan Phillips as Sean Jones
Julianna Margulies as Claire Miller

Synopsis

I know this is going to come as a bit of a shock to some of you, but the movie is relatively easy to sum up.

There are snakes on a plane. Samuel L. Jackson has to beat them up. Because he is badass.

That is enough for me, but it seems they saw fit to actually make a real "plot". Whatever. I don't care. CannedLaughter's WU covers that well. Although Canned, I am very disappointed in your enjoyment about this wonderful movie.

Which brings me to my next segment.

Why Did This Movie Kick Ass.

Notice how there isn't a question mark in that title? Wanna know why? Because there is no question about it. Snakes on a Plane kicked ass. Period. Exclamation mark. Exclamation mark.

Lots of people went to this movie and came out with "WTF was that shit?" statements. I propose the following: DOUCHEHEADS!

Lets just go through what this movie promised. In an unordered list.

If you went to this movie expecting some thrilling character drama, you are a douchehead. Your head is full of douche. Why? Because it's a movie about snakes killing people. And Sammie J killing snakes. And evil english men throwing cute little puppies at snakes. That's the entire point of it. And you should have known that in advance. From the damn title (Well. Okay. Not the puppy part).

I'm not saying this movie is for everyone. I'm not that presumptuous. I am saying this movie is for anyone who is cool and awesome. I am the shepard who must guide his flock. You are all that flock. This movie is the field where I must guide you to.

This movie was not about suprising you with its wit. In fact, there are only two cool suprises. And they both come at the end. I have cleverly labelled them as "Suprise Ending 1" and "Suprise Ending 2". While nether are akin to, "OMG! THIS MOVIE WAS SO AMAZING IN ITS ENDING! JUST LIKE--OMG--THE SIXTH SENSE!" they are fun. Which is what this movie was about.

Fun. Snakes on a Plane isn't going to be nominated for very many awards. But it wasn't trying to be. The movie is there for the audience to just enjoy. To whoop when Samuel L. Jackson tasers snakes. To freak-the-hell-out when gross shit happens. To laugh AND scream when a dude's head gets stepped on with a high heel.

The first time I saw this movie, it was awesome. I went the next day with the same person and it was just as awesome. When it comes out on DVD, I will buy it. And a bunch of us will all get together and watch it. There will be shouting, cheering, screaming and all that jazz. Because this movie is about having fun.

And if you don't enjoy it, you're a fun nazi.

etouffee says re-review...I am english I am evil..grrrrrr!...loved this..and I will rent the movie because it is, in a word, true to its name-- what more can we ask of art?

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