This is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny
Good guys bad guys and explosions... as far as the eye can see
And only one will survive, I wonder who it will be?
This is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny
The 2006 Macromedia Flash movie The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny is a manic parody of "Who would win...?" versus matches such as Robocop Vs. The Terminator and Alien vs. Predator. Music and lyrics were provided by Neil "Trapezoid" Cicierega (http://www.lemondemon.com/, perhaps best known for his animutations), with Shawn "Altf4" Vulliez (http://www.elohtibbar.com/) providing art and animation. They had previously collaborated on another Flash music video, Ebaum's World Dot Com.
The video basically describes a massive, protracted battle between a number of 80s and 90s American pop culture figures with a few historical characters thrown in for variety, and features both fictional and real people. It's notable that the good guys significantly outnumber the bad guys, and that there are no women present.
The characters featured generally have no direct connection to each other, with the exceptions of a few character pairs who appeared in the same series together (e.g. Kirk and Spock). No consideration seems to have been given to the standard methods of determining versus winners, such as relative powers, allegiances, or popularity of the characters, and they frequently behave distinctly out of character for their established canon. The issue of who beats up whom appears to have been dictated by what rhymed.
The pop culture references may confuse some younger or non-American viewers, so here's a handy reference guide:
The Combatants:
Significant screen time or mention in the lyrics
- Godzilla (Fictional, neutral) -
- The giant radioactive dinosaur who's been annually flattening Tokyo since 1954 starts the fight off by doing what he does best, destroying Tokyo, which seems to attract the attention of the other combatants. Godzilla started out as a destructive monster, but in later movies evolved into a force of nature and then protector of Japan against other kaiju.
Most impressive feat: Nearly knocking over a building with his tail.
Most out of character moment: Biting Optimus Prime in half.
- Batman (Fictional, good guy) -
- DC Comics hero and alter-ego of millionaire playboy Bruce Wayne, Batman has been holding his own since 1939 among the likes of Superman and Wonder Woman not through super powers, but by training his body and mind to the peak of human capability. Usually portrayed as a sullen and brooding but honorable hero with a utility belt full of useful bat-themed gizmos.
Most impressive feat: Survived several shots from an assault rifle.
Most out of character moment: Uses a firearm.
- Shaquille O'Neal (Real person, good guy) -
- Shaq is one of the biggest and most aggressive players in the NBA. During the peak of his popularity, he enjoyed some limited success as an actor in the movies Kazaam (1996) and Steel (1997), and starred in a Street Fighter style video game called Shaq-Fu (1994). Although he now plays for the Miami Heat, he was most popular during his time with the Lakers and is portrayed in a purple and gold Lakers jersey. His appearance may be a reference to the 1992 Charles Barkley vs. Godzilla Nike commercial.
Most impressive feat: Blocks Godzilla.
Most out of character moment: Appears to fly under his own power.
- Aaron Carter (Real person, good guy) -
- Teenaged pretty-boy singer and dancer, Aaron Carter is included as a joke, referencing his song That's How I Beat Shaq.
- Zombie Abraham Lincoln (Inspired by actual events, good guy) -
- In a possible allusion to alternate history novel The Guns of the South by Harry Turtledove, the 16th president of the United States (assassinated by John Wilkes Booth in 1865) rises from his grave with an AK-47. Lincoln is popularly known as the president who kept the word "United" in "United States" and freed the slaves, although this is an oversimplification. Probably the second most popular president of the US next to George Washington, he is one of the four portraits on Mount Rushmore.
Most impressive feat: Rising from the grave.
Most out of character moment: Does not eat anyone's brains.
- Optimus Prime (Fictional, good guy) -
- Heroic leader of an army of transforming war robots in the cartoon/toy series The Transformers, Optimus Prime transforms from 30 a foot tall robot into a semi-truck. Although several versions of Optimus Prime have appeared in the various Transformers series, this appears to be his original, 1984 incarnation.
Most impressive feat: Holds up a building nearly knocked over by Godzilla.
Most out of character moment: Never transforms.
- Jackie Chan (Real person, good guy) -
- Jackie Chan is an actor and martial artist famous for doing most of his own extremely impressive stunt work in his various movies (and suffering multiple injuries in the process). He has started to slow down now that he is over 50 though. He was popular in his native Hong Kong long before his American exposure with the US release of Rumble in the Bronx in 1995.
Most impressive feat: Deflects a bullet with his fist.
Most out of character moment: In real life Jackie Chan abhors violence.
- Indiana Jones (Fictional, good guy) -
- Adventurer and archeologist in the 1940s, Indiana Jones is famous for battling nazis for control of religious artifacts. Trademarks include his bullwhip and fedora, and cleverly evading booby traps. He is able to appear in this 2006 fight due to having drank from the Holy Grail in The Last Crusade, making him effectively immortal.
Most impressive feat: Appears in the Showdown despite being around 100 years old.
Most out of character moment: Directly contradicting the most famous scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981), he uses his whip when his gun would have been the more appropriate choice.
- Tenderheart Bear (Fictional, good guy) -
- One of the Care Bears, a series of plush toys from 1985 not specifically targeted to either gender, Tenderheart Bear would teach children how to get along, share, play nice, and respect their parents. His only weapon is the Care Bear Stare, a beam of light from his tummy symbol which evoked positive feelings in its target. He is also included as a joke.
- Chuck Norris (Real person, good guy) -
- Chuck Norris is an American actor and world-champion martial artist (he trained with Bruce Lee) best known for his roles in the movies Return of the Dragon (1972) and The Delta Force (1986), and the TV series Walker, Texas Ranger (1993). His angelic entrance into the Showdown is a reference to the then-new Chuck Norris Facts.
Most impressive feat: Recognizes Bruce Wayne is Batman.
Most out of character moment: Kills other good guys.
Latecomers into the action with abbreviated bios due to their lack of screen time
- Gandalf (fictional, good guy) -
- Gandalf is a powerful wizard from J.R.R. Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings (published 1954-55). Although both Gandalf the Gray and Gandalf the White show up, they are actually the same person.
- Black Knight (fictional, bad guy, torso only) -
- From 1975's Monty Python and the Holy Grail, notable for being impervious to pain and continuing to fight despite having all limbs severed.
- Benito Mussolini (real person, bad guy) -
- Il Duce of fascist Italy during World War II, probably included because Hitler doesn't rhyme with Blue Meanie. Lived 1883–1945.
- Blue Meanie (fictional, bad guy) -
- Leader of the army that tries to conquer the parallel universe of Pepperland in the trippy 1969 Beatles anti-war cartoon Yellow Submarine. Almost certainly defeated by Tenderheart Bear, although this is not shown.
- Cowboy Curtis (fictional, good guy) -
- Laurence Fishburne is best known for playing the characters of Cowboy Curtis on Pee-Wee's Playhouse (1986) and Morpheus in The Matrix (1999). He appears here as a hybrid of the two roles.
- Jambi the Genie (fictional, good guy) -
- Another character from Pee-Wee's Playhouse, Jambi granted Pee-Wee one wish per episode by chanting makalaka hai maka hiney ho. He appears as a blue head in a box.
- Robocop (fictional, good guy) -
- 1987 movie in which Alex Murphy is a police officer in future Detroit where criminals have access to advanced military-grade weapons. After he is injured in the line of duty, his life is saved by placing his head and simplified digestive system in a bullet-proof cyborg body slated to replace the unreliable, fully automated ED-209 series police robots.
- Terminator (fictional, good guy/bad guy) -
- The T-800 is a robot covered with realistic artificial skin and intended to pass for a human under close scrutiny in order to infiltrate rebel human bases in a nightmarish, robot-controlled future. One of them is sent back in time to 1984 as an assassin, and two others are reprogrammed by human rebels and sent back in time to protect their leader from other, more advanced terminators (1991 and 2003). He must have shown up in 2006's Tokyo via time travel.
- Captain Kirk (fictional, good guy) -
- In the Star Trek franchise (beginning 1966), Captain Kirk is the captain of the original USS Enterprise 1701 (and later the 1701 A), flagship of the United Federation of Planets. Known for sleeping with numerous alien women, engaging in mild sexual harassment with his female subordinates, frequently ignoring orders including the Prime Directive, and generally kicking a lot of ass. Although he is from the 23rd century, he is known to engage in casual time travel.
- Darth Vader (fictional, bad guy) -
- Right-hand man of galactic Emperor Palpatine in Star Wars (1977), lived a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Unknown how he showed up in Tokyo in 2006 for the Showdown. Darth Vader utilizes a powerful energy called The Force, giving him various abilities such as prescience and telekinesis and wields an energy sword called a lightsaber.
- Lo Pan (fictional, bad guy) -
- Leader of an organization of martial artists and magicians in the Little China district of San Francisco, and is himself a powerful sorcerer and servant of the demon Ching-Dai. Chief villain of the 1986 action-comedy Big Trouble in Little China.
- Superman (fictional, good guy) -
- The original and most famous superhero, The Big Blue Boy Scout needs no introduction.
- Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers (fictional, good guys) -
- Although the lyrics say "every single power ranger", only the original five from the first series (1993) are shown, notably not including the Green Ranger who joined the series later. Their giant robot Megazord makes them the only believable candidates to have killed Godzilla, although this is not shown.
- Bill S. Preston Esquire and Ted "Theodore" Logan (fictional, good guys) -
- Making up the band Wyld Stallyns, they use a time-traveling phone booth to meet famous people from history, and will, in the future, unite the world in peace with their music (although you'd never believe it, hearing them play in 1989). They are probably the ones who brought Mussolini to the Showdown. They appear as they did in the cartoon spin-off of the movie.
- Spock (fictional, good guy) -
- Captain Kirk's first officer, Mr. Spock is half human and half vulcan, but has chosen to primarily embrace his vulcan heritage. He is a brilliant scientist and cooly logical, repressing all emotional feeling.
- The Rock (semi-fictional, bad guy) -
- Stage name of professional "heel" wrestler Dwayne Johnson who reached the peak of his popularity in 1999 during a feud with Stone Cold Steve Austin. Also starred as the title character in the movie The Scorpion King (2002), a spin-off of the sequel to Brendan Fraser's remake of The Mummy.
- Doc Ock (fictional, bad guy) -
- Otto Octavius, AKA Doctor Octopus, was a scientist who had four mechanical tentacle arms permanently fused to his spinal cord after a laboratory accident. One of the main classic Spider-man villains in Marvel Comics, perhaps #2 under the Green Goblin. First appearance: 1963.
- Hulk Hogan (semi-fictional, good guy) -
- Stage name of professional "babyface" wrestler Terrence Bollea, probably the most famous professional wrestler of all time. At the peak of his fame (known as Hulkamania) in the late 80s, during which time he starred in the movie No Holds Barred (1989).
Other characters who show up but are not mentioned in the lyrics
Robin, the Boy Wonder (first appearance 1940)
White hat cowboy (representing the archetypal "good guy")
Generic Snidely Whiplash style melodrama villain (representing the archetypal "bad guy")
Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka of Something Awful punching Eric Baum of Ebaum's World (re-used from the recent flash movie Ebaum's World Dot Com)
Sega mascot Sonic the Hedgehog (created 1990) fighting Nintendo mascot Super Mario (created 1981 for Donkey Kong) — Mario and Sonic would finally official meet for the first time next year in 2007's Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games.
Santa Claus (not fighting)
The time traveling DeLorean from 1985's Back to the Future, probably driven by Marty McFly.
A Star Wars Jawa holding pieces of a dismantled C-3PO next to a knocked-over R2-D2
Son Goku from Dragonball flying on Kinto'un (created 1984)
Pac-Man (1980)
American actor Samuel L. Jackson (just kind of looking cool). I think he appears as his character Derrick Vann from The Man (2005). Mod tells me Samuel L. Jackson is getting attacked by snakes (from Snakes on a Plane, the internet meme/upcoming film). I'm going to have to take his word on that.
Some shirtless blue guy with glasses and a lot of chest hair. Namtar informs me that this is Tobias Fünke from the television series, "Arrested Development." Again, I'm just going to have to take his word on that.
Additionally, some props associated with famous characters, such as something that might be Freddy Krueger's bladed glove, a broken pair of glasses possibly belonging to Harry Potter, and a hook that might be from Peter Pan's Captain Hook can be briefly glimpsed during some of the pans across the carnage.
In the end, everyone listed in the lyrics dies, killed by a dark horse candidate introduced in the last line of the final verse. Personally, I was rooting for Optimus Prime.