a friendly note to bluebird_is_sad: when i was younger and less
well-tempered, sometimes i would watch myself do things i never would have done. it's really
bizarre to watch my own hands with wary anticipation...i hurt a few other people fairly severely. i don't know if it will be at all useful to you, but here's what finally made it stop...as weird as it sounds, i trained myself into a sort of self-induced nullstate from which i could do nothing but stare until the
urges passed. it's largely a matter of convincing your muscles to stop paying attention to your brain for a few minutes. ...like i said, it's
weird, and i don't know if it will work for anyone else, but if you're that close to being institutionalised, it might be worth a try.
scene: a narrow half-cubicle. lush :: ladykillers plays in the background. printouts of html and perl litter the desk. a short girl in purple bdu's and a leather cowboy hat types frantically with one hand, while her other hand dials and redials the phone. in every call she asks the same question and marks another name off a list in one of the many printouts.
so, i'm sitting at werk, listening to lush and jesus & mary chain, with one ear to the phone, and both hands on the keyboard. i'm making adjustments to two forms that the university uses to track information about the graduation ceremonies. we recently changed our strategy for data acquisition, storage, and manipulation, so of course, it falls to me to make all the adjustments. i was never very good at writing procedural revisions, but my <self-taunt> mad html skillz</self-taunt> have yet to fail me.
last night i lost my shit. i was dancing to some generic club track, ignoring the swelling in my still-broken foot, when suddenly i was totally alone. not in any physical sense, mind you, but there was a crushing feeling of loss, and i staggered. my head felt muffled, but everything had nice sharp edges. crash found me staring blankly and i followed him back to the bar, where i ran into the princess. princess bought me a drink, and comiserated. i made a decision, then. i needed to not be alone, but i needed to be with someone i would never wind up in bed with, under any circumstances. princess and i would go back to my place and drink ourselves stupid. so, i went back out to apologise to salem, who i would not be leaving with, but as i walked up, i got distracted...the oupyr was dancing shirtless. i couldn't think anymore. it was a waste of my time and effort to try. it was one of those songs during which people dance like they're trying to kill something, and i could envision him centuries ago, fighting turks in romania. hopeless romantic? yes. the music stopped after one more song, which i couldn't resist dancing to, and i grabbed my coat and fled. but not before i found salem, and properly apologised. we were nose to nose, which took considerable leaning over on his part, and i discovered one of the noble truths of the universe, which i'd been hoping wasn't true. "three more words, and then i have to go," i said. "sure thing," he said. i leaned forward and whispered in his ear. "i love you." i said, and i turned on my heel, and calmly walked out into the cold.
tonight, i have to be ok. i have to go forth and be storyteller, and make my players either happy or afraid, and hopefully both. tonight, i may have to watch niall get his face bashed in by a very angry goth girl, whose husband has been slandered. but, you know, it's not my problem, and it's not my fault. i just have to go forth and play well. you're thinking i should warn him in some way. she thought so, too. no, not this time. this time, i'm upset, and i think he should find his own way ot of this one.
goodnight, goodnight! parting is such sweet sorrow, that i should say goodnight 'til it be 'morrow...