(Scene: dark, empty apartment. There is a fumbling with the lock before two people open the door and rush inside)
He: Hey, you want me to get you a
drink?
(SFX: passionate kissing)
She: Fuck the drink.
He: I was kinda hoping you'd be available first.
She: Shut up.
(SFX: more passionate kissing)
(SFX: a bit more passionate kissing)
He: Oww, careful with that, lemme--
(SFX: passionate kissing again)
She: Okay, get that outta--
He: Oh, damn, you're so
gorgeous.
She:
Sweet-talker.
He: 'Strue...
(SFX: passionate kissing)
She: You better have a
rubber.
He: What's a rubber?
She: Motherfucker, you
better have a fucking
rubber!
He: Oww, ow! I got one, I got one. Whattya take me for?
She: 'Bout a buck-eighty, shithead.
(SFX: more passionate kissing)
She: Here, lemme help--
He: Okay, okay. Awright, c'mere.
She: Hey, wait. Hey, wait, I gotta bring someone in.
He: You gotta what?
She: I gotta bring
someone else in. He's a great guy, and I really love him.
He: What the--? No fucking way. I don't
swing like that.
She: No, wait, it'll be alright, I swear. Hold it -- HEY, COME ON IN!
He: Dammit!
She: Hey, guy!
God:
Greetings.
He: ...
God:
Ahem. Greetings.
He: Is that-- Is that--?
God:
I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. I am He that hath created all existence and He that will shepherd the world unto its dying day.
He: ...
She: It's
God, dumbass.
He: Wh-What the fuck is God doing in my apartment?
God:
I am omnipresent, am I not?
He: Okay, okay, but what is God doing in my apartment
right at this particular time?
She: Well, I figured we could all -- you know -- have a little
fun together.
He: Oh my God.
God:
Yes?
He: You mean He -- listen, I went to
Sunday school when I was a kid, and I really don't think He's supposed to -- well,
indulge in this sort of thing...
She: Oh, you're being
silly.
He: I mean, He's supposed to disapprove of, of, well,
adultery, for one thing, right? And -- And a
three-way -- that's a lot more
kinky than I'd expect He'd be in favor of, much less participating in...
God:
Truly I say unto thee, the LORD thy God didst create the human race and didst design the human reproductive system and didst decide how the fiddly bits would fit together. The LORD is not as opposed to nookie as thou hadst been led to believe.
He: But -- But -- doing it
with humans -- I mean, You're a
Higher Being and all that!
God:
Since ancient times, the gods have sought to do the horizontal mambo with humanity. Zeus fathered many children with human females, Astarte consorted with kings and heroes, Buddha didst screw his way all over Asia, thou canst take it from Me. So why shouldst the LORD sit on His throne and wank over the Kali's Secret catalog when He canst enjoy a quick booty call to the Prime Material Plane?
He: I -- I'm sorry. I just feel like someone's absolutely fucking with my head.
God:
That can also be arranged.
He: Oh God.
God:
Yes?
She: Hey, there's no reason to go getting nervous and stuff. It's all
natural, it's all
fun. You know what they say -- once you go
divine, you'll always feel fine.
He: Listen, I'm serious. I
really don't swing that way. And I'm
really uncomfortable with -- What the fuck is
that?!
She: Heh.
Psalm 23, Verse 4. "Thy
rod and thy
staff..."
He: But it's so... It's so...
God:
Yes, it is good to be the King.
She: Now just
relax, alright?
He: Oh my God!
God:
Yes?
He: Oh, Jesus!
God:
Yes?
He:
Mary, Mother of God!
She: Yes?
It's sacra-salacious!