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Haunting Voices, Long Gone

Yesterday, maybe the day before, I was shooting the shit, catching up, with an old friend of mine from a mud. I hadn't talked to her in maybe a year.

She mentioned a small collection of wav files that I'd sent her a while back and I demanded that she send them to me.

I've owned three PC's so far, since I left home behind. I still have all my pics, .txt files, and other interesting crap from every computer on my current one, spread out all over the place like a history book gone horribly wrong.

Things get lost, though, and I had a sneaking suspicion that those .wav files were part of the few that I hadn't kept. I was right. And I reclaimed them for my collection of personal miscellaney.

These were .wav files I couldn't duplicate now because it was not me at the mic, it was my slightly psychotic, acid suffused, eccentric, nutty, and bold roommate from Florida.

In the first wav file, he talks about the gray, striped kitten I had, which he dubbed, "Helf Reykoon", even though the kitten's name was actually tweaky. The first wav file:

(Old man voice,tranquil and methodically spoken):Today we have for you, a very young, very horny young cat. Yes. We also have for you... the horny young cat's trainer. The cat's name is helf reykoon, the trainer's name is: Abdul-kramCHACHZHAMBATO. Okay. Take it away, Abdul.

(He changes his voice to a vague, ethnic, Middle-Eastern accent): HEY MAN! Helf Reykoon breeds inside the jack-off theatre, in puddles of semen and goat cheese. This is what I know of helf-reykoon. Heee HOoooooo!!


Okay. Now I know you're ready to judge him harshly. But imagine this guy, sitting at a microphone and making all this interesting nonsense up right off the top of his head. People get paid millions of dollars for writing shit that doesn't come close to the above. You have to admit, it does have a certain artful quality to it, despite the coarse nature.

And he thought it all up in seconds, with only a striped kitten for inspiration.
The voices are excellent, too.

Now here's a song he made up on the same night. Once again, it's improv. Sick shit, but I laugh my ass off when I hear it, especially since he raised the pitch to about 2x normal and he sings it with such profound joy and innocence in his voice:

I wish I had a kilo of crack
of crack
and then another kilo of smack
yes smack
(rising in pitch and tempo)
I'd shoot up the smack! and then I'd smoke some crack!
(evil, rasping and emphatic)
And then I'd shoot your gramma in the neck
and the back!


I know. The lyrics are pretty fucked up, but imagine someone singing them like he's one of the Chimpmunks in a Broadway Musical. Yeah. That's what I thought.


Needless to say, the guy did a lot of illegal drugs. He was callous, egomaniacal,greedy, and sometimes, outright vicious but, man, he was fun to hang out with.

Here's a brief list of things he did while we lived together:

Gave the duplex neighbor's cat a White Russian.

Did three lines of cocaine, ran outside with no shirt, and took a spray-painted plywood religious symbol from outside a Church(The religion of which I will not mention due to its unimportance)across the street. He ran up to a couple walking down the sidewalk, held it up, and proclaimed, "I AM GOD!" They turned and walked away, without comment.

Walked up to a bum in St. Augustine Fl. after getting loaded on acid and told the guy that he was Satan Offered him wealth and power beyond the dreams of any mortal man, plus a lot of heroin and hookers in Hell. Told the bum a handshake would seal the contract, and the bum,(It was quite evident to anyone who looked at this bum and or listened to him talk for a moment that he was indeed out of his fucking mind) smiled and shook his hand, mumbling gibberish.

Bought computer cleaner at a crowded Wal-Mart and informed the cashier and everyone he saw on the way out that he was going to inhale it (which he later did), as he held over his head, high and proud. (I was filming it with his camera. His mom later saw it, after he had moved back in with her, and kicked him out of the house again.)

He pissed on three cops standing below the apartment balcony(yeah. He was tripping then, too) who were guarding the entrance while others went in to raid the apartment. Then he said, "I BAPTIZE YOU!"

Stared at a palm tree, transfixed, and said, ever so quietly, "noodles."


Yeah. There are a lot more. Maybe I'll think of some later. I'm coming to realize, as I write this, that this guy deserves his own wu entirely.

To say he was a character would-be a gross understatement.

Oh and, if you'd like to, by some off chance, hear the .wav files, msg me and I will send them to you in email or via aim.