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The first day of spring. I'm loving it. For one thing, it means winter's over. Now, here in Des Moines, we had 99 consecutive days of at least 1 inch of snow cover. Here, I'll say it again with some formatting so you'll pay attention: 99 days! That's a long time with a lot of snow. It got to be a little depressing, and of course, it was very cold most of that time. But we're finally snapping out of it. We got up to around 50 degrees (Fahrenheit) today. I wore shorts and a t-shirt. It was great.

Plus, I'm on spring break. Read: lots of free time. I finished Faith of the Fallen by Terry Goodkind today. I liked it. Then, I went and hung out with my friends. I got back home, and got on E2 after I ate dinner with my family.

So I get on with the full intention of writing a daylog. Problem is, it's only about 20 minutes until E2's day ends. So I have to wait. And now, I'm the first writeup on the page. It looks so damn opportunistic!

The one thing that sucks is that I am listening to the radio as I write this. I normally enjoy the radio, but I recently picked up some CD's I'd rather listen to. Why don't I? you may ask. Well, there's two reasons. a)My computer doesn't play enhanced CD's for some reason or another. This means I can't listen to Deftones' White Pony or TapRoot's Gift. These are both CD's I just bought within the last few weeks, both of which I really like. It kinda sucks. b)The left speaker on our computer doesn't work. Try listening to Vow by Garbage when one of your speakers is shot. It doesn't work. It's cool sometimes though, like on Eleanor Rigby by the Beatles. All you can hear is the string part. I play violin, so it's pretty nifty.

That's about it. Have a nice day.

Just finishing March 20th on EST, but I want to get started keeping day logs. Soon I will be getting dsl, as soon as Alltel gets its butt in gear. Life for me has been a battle with boredom since the extremely hectic beginning of the year. Today I saw my psychiatrist for the last time. When I move back to the city I'll have to get hooked up with someone or somebody new.

Oddly I thought I would get into keeping logs online sooner. When the idea started taking shape on e2 I might have done one or two, but I couldn't get into it. nutate on kuro5hin kept about 1 diary entry there. The scoop system didn't seem to be the right one for me. Hopefully e2 will provide a good place for me to try and keep track of my life.

Today, though, not much happened. Went to wal mart bought some socks and a pencil sharpener. Just sat and watched BET and FOX for the majority of the rest of the day. Hung out with a bud of mine who wants to become a New York State Trooper... I told him he should watch Me, Myself and Irene first.

I don't understand.
I did nothing wrong.



I love her. I have loved her since we met, more purely, more intensely, than I thought possible.
More deeply than anything that went before.

She is my compass, corny as that may sound.
I am lost now, without her, adrift to no purpose.

without even a hint as to why.

Don't blame me for what I did in my dream
valentine

I have never believed in god, but tonight I pray.
I pray that god cares about me. I pray that god listens.

Please. Show me what you would have me do, and it is done.
Or don't show me, as you see fit; I will wait patiently, even if you, as I expect, choose not to be so overt.

God has sent me this experience in order to deepen me, you say?

I accept.
Let me learn.
I am willing. Anything.
Only let me be hers.

I am hers.

I feel it in my fingers i feel it in my toes...
This is, as most of you music nazis and all-purpose geeks know, the first line from love is all around by i don't remember who, but *not* Wet Wet Wet.
I feel something else right now,
it's everywhere i go to
I feel, reading day logs, looking at my friends, reading e-mails from a fellow noder who'll stay unnamed for privacy issues, that history is repeating itself. In the long run, it does, we all know this. But right here, right now same things are happening to people.
My life looks like a farce. After i finally managed to get over my ex-girlfriend, C., my best friend fell in love with a girl who technically loves him, too, but can not manage to show her feelings toweards him 'cause she's afraid of losing her freedom, my friend S. has the same problem with his ex, K.. So he just tries to stay in contact, to hide his feelings, to be a good friend, to wait for his chance. AND he is suffering like i did the year i did the same with C..
Another friend of mine, M.. Other girl - same story. Only change is that the both love each other and are both too shy to make the first step.
I started dreaming of C. again.
Yeah, and then there was this day log by Chihuahua Grub today. It remembered me of a good friend of mine i had sex with two years ago.
It was 20 years ago today...
She kicked me out of her flat next morning and i haven't heard from her since then.

My life is a stereo
Why today? I talked my way through the day - did not do much physical work, and YET it was bad. Yeah, my back ache. It actually went into muscular spasms while I was doing a stretch. That's an oxymoron! It didn't spasm on Monday though. But it felt as if someone stabbed my back with an implement and forgot to take it out… that very nearly closely almost broke my spirit.

But let me tell you about the cases I talked through (no treatment provided).

My first patient complained of a throbbing toothache for the last few days, but it was much better today. Gee - isn't that always the case?? It was a front tooth that had been crowned after a meeting with the edge of a swimming pool more than 20 years ago. The xray showed something that made the other dentist beam this great big smile (yeah, I showed it to him because he loves stuff like this), the type one gives after making a major discovery. It looked like a controlled mini explosion had gone off inside the root of the tooth. It was classical internal inflammatory resorption. The pulp tissue inside the tooth was eating away at the walls of the root canal. Holy cow! Not just a few visits for root canal treatment - the treatment was going to extend to more than 6 months to 2 years with the specialist - if it was salvageable.

The second story I have to tell is a little less exciting. A 21 year old boy with leukaemia on chemotherapy, and morphine (the nurses thought contrary until I told them why he looked like that). Needs fillings (no abscesses yet…) But the boy is fed-up with needles. I can't blame him. Had to call his GP - blood profile is OK, so giving a block injection into the infratemporal fossa is apparently SAFE. But I asked if giving prophylactic antibiotics might be necessary as him immunity is low… I was referred to his haematologist. We'll find out tomorrow. Probably not necessary, but it always pays to check.

I think talking was the only option I had with this three year old. She had treatment under general anaesthesia last week, and this was the review appointment. She's still shy and won't let me touch her. A few fillings and a pulpotomy. Mother says she's been fine. Good.

And one more case I remember - the mother cried because she found out that her 8 year old boy had multiple carious lesions. Apparently they battle each night to get him to brush his teeth… So I just talked, and dyed his teeth pink with plaque disclosing solution to show him where to brush. No treatment today. Just OHI/TBI - oral hygiene instructions/toothbrushing instructions.

Whattaday of talking.

13:23

I woke up too late, this time with nothing special...

Reason for too much sleep? Hmm... I translated the quote from Prokhor Zakharov (Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri) to Russian. I bet the quote is still full of bugs. =)

Should develop the language ear...

Nodeball shall be soon ready. (We hope.)

Okay, time to face the challenges of day...

18:53

A headline in newspapers: "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? shows: Finns are the stupidest of Europe."

Didn't read the article, because it sounds too silly... the game is based on knowledge, not actual intelligence - there's a certain difference between intelligence and wisdom. "I'm not a smart man, but I know what love is." =)

Every moron who can memorize an encyclopedia can win the million. =)

00:59

Hacked Vocoditor a bit further. Now it has error dialogs. Woohoo. =)

Since Mozilla seems to be having some problems, here's one thing I've noticed: E2 is damn hard to use on "alternative browsers". On lynx, it sort of works. On Emacs W3, it doesn't work at all. =(

"Everything Lite" theme, anyone?

Oh, almost forgot. Someone in /. whined that a Nov13 writeup had misinformation so obviously whole E2 sucks - the piece of misinformation had been there for over year, and that's Bad. Way to go. I brought this matter to general attention in chatterbox, and about 5 minutes later the writeup was gone. (It was at -4 anyway.) See? We believe in quality!


(Still no navigation... =( )

E., my daughter was so beautiful Monday night. I can't believe she's my daughter. I could never have dreamed up a more beautiful person in my life. I never thought I did anything spectacular in my life, and there she was, last night, a beacon of love, warmth, caring, concern, beauty, empathy, friend - something I have never, ever, ever, ever expected or even thought to get from one of my children.

She called me to ask me to bring her ice cream. I told her I was in a terrible, crying, mood, and was not kidding. She said you'd better get over here then. She wouldn't take no for an answer. I brought her ice cream. And she listened to my story and hugged me. And she put the comedy channel on the TV. And showed me the new kittens who are just darling.

I left after a while and called her back on the phone to say thank you. And she told me how happy she is with her self - that she realized that she liked herself a lot last year, and was proud of herself. She told me silently, over these simple sounding words, that she had love to give from her heart, because I had put it there. As uncomfortable as that makes me feel - I think that this may be true.

And this year she has accepted her body and likes it, with its imperfections and she is very content. She told me that she keeps telling me this and someday I will believe her. I'm starting to, because I am looking at her and realizing she means it.

I asked her and she told me she had a good childhood, there were some bad things, but I made it good. She remembers playing a lot, and that she played all the time. She said I wouldn't let her watch TV so she had to play. She said she plays now whenever she feels like it.

She told me she knew I was always there for her. I never betrayed her except when she had pot and I told her if she gave it to me I wouldn't call the police but I did call anyway, I lied to her. I think she has forgiven me for that, her eyes were laughing when she told me. She told me about the time in after school care, that she organized the other children into a play based on a story she had read and she was proud of that fact.

I got the biggest gift in my life last night from the most wonderful person - I just can't believe she is really my daughter, and that I and her dad and everyone else in her life, somehow, someway, gave her enough to love herself so much at 19. This is a puzzle I just don't understand.

Do you think she did it just for the ice cream?

______________________________________________

Time to start exercising again. I had insomnia again last night, so I did pushups and crunches for a while, and tired myself out. I've also sworn off caffeine (again) and eating after 9pm.

I'm quitting my job. It's time to move on, and this place is boring, anyway. What's worse, they gave my office to the new secretary-cum-IT-Specialist (who is one of my biggest "clients") and moved me back into my storage room.

While chatting with a friend in DC last night, I had an inspiration. I'm going to go on a quest, a veritable Job Tour ('01). I'll move from city to city, staying with friends, until I'm either employed or I run out of cash.

I like the idea of being technomadic for a while. I'll bring my Rio Volt, my Palmax PD1000 (which should arrive by the end of the week) and my tape recorder. And my towel.

I'm pretty sure I have crash space in the following cities:

  • Washington, DC (I'll be apartment-sitting there for two weeks.)
  • Boston, MA (I conceivably have about 5 places I could crash in Boston.)
  • Amherst, MA (One or two places to crash there.)
  • Portland, MA (One place to crash that's a sure thing.)
  • Burlington, VT (Conceivably one or two places.)
  • NY, NY (A friend of mine from high school lives there, and I have another FOAF there.)
  • Chicago, IL (A little less certain, but I know a certain loft that I could probably crash at for a couple days.)
  • Seattle, WA (A remote possibility.)
  • San Francisco, CA (A garage to crash in.)
  • Los Angeles, CA (Well, I'd hafta get a motel room for a week or so. I have a friend there, but no crash space.)

Part of me wants to just skip the job hunt and stay nomadic for a while. I mean, if I spent a week in each of these places, that's more than three months. Chances are, I'll probably find a job in DC, and never get to go on this tour. On the other hand, maybe nobody will want to hire me.

Want to be a sponsor? Got a couch under a roof you wouldn't mind loaning to a near-complete stranger you only sorta know from a couple nodes on E2? Email me! My address is in my profile.

Of Eastern Boys and Western Girls Okay, I'm from the South, but I'm not counting, are you?

Too much almost happened last night for my taste. I finally got to see Griffin yesterday afternoon. He buzzed by the house after work, and when I didn't answer the door because I was in the shower, he came busting in, grabbed Pan, and decided to give me the "I missed you" speech through the shower curtain. Good to see him, even though it was obstructed by obnoxious shells and oceanic things on that piece of plastic. Told him I'd talk to him when I got out.

I throw my clothes on and go to get my hug while he's on the 'puter. He's pissy, apparently had been since we talked Friday. Throws me some of the poetry he's written since I was gone, and glaringly there is a bit about, "I won't play second fiddle..." Funny, I don't remember asking him too. We decide to vamoose before CHip gets home and head to his house.

There I call Onya...and things are NOT GOOD. She's this sweet innocent Italian girl from Jersey, no, that's not an oximoron. Apparently with her pulling away from her father and the Jehovah's, she was freaking out so badly she went on antidepressants. This last weekend, she had had enough, and killed the rest of the bottle along with 3/4 a bottle of tequila. She had just gotten out of the clinic hours before I had called her. Needless to say, I'm going to see her today. She had family over last night, otherwise I would have gone right then. She's one of the few I would even consider asking to come stay with me in Baltimore. I don't think I would be happy walking this world knowing she wasn't in it too. She's under my wing.

Ryan and I decide to grab some dinner at Flannagan's even though she can't go. I need a black and tan like nobody's business. We start to talking and a lot got admitted. It's all fun and games 'til someone gets their feelings hurt. He has no idea why I'm doing the things I'm doing, so I had to explain it. I drop him back at his home, read his cards, and decide to go home and throw the dress on so I can go say goodbye to ficus. I go find him, and of course he's sitting with Loopy Dave. He had turned to Dave and said,"I smell Kir, I don't know why." "Funny, that's Kir walking up here right now."

I grabbed a Bass and sat down. We talked about everything, including all the things that Griffin had already relayed. Let's just say that after everything, the three of us are friends now. "Marcus, there are times when I think it would just be easier if I had a dick. Then friendships would stay just that, friendships." He admitted things about our relationship that were not in the least cruel but hurt nonetheless. I really had hurt him. But we decided we were too good a friends to not keep in contact. I'm going to take him to see his family near Ocean City in April.

Griffin decided to pop in Insomnia even though he said he wouldn't. This is where things got really interesting.

Meghan, that girl who's originally from Baltimore, the one with Eat Bertha's Mussels plastered on the back of her Volvo, she decided to really start some shit. She knows she had Griffin on a string for about a year. When I came into the picture, he finally shook his head about how she was making him behave, and she did not like how she was no longer the center of his attention....if it's really possible to be the center of his attention. She dragged him out back, let him know she was seeing one of his best friends, Sam, and decided to give him a slew of shit. After they argued, she said, "I'm your friend, I'll be there for you if you need me." I've never seen words be turned around so quickly in my life.

When Griffin decided to leave, after I got my lighter back and continued talking to Ficus, she asked him if she could walk out with him. They were apparently discussing him and me, and her and Loopy Dave. That's right, two years of abstinance down the tubes because she decided to flip out and sleep with her friend. And this is Griffin's fault how?

There were four cop cars at the Italian restaurant next door because an alarm had gone off. They asked Griffin and Meghan what they were doing, then they realized Meghan was about four sheets to the wind. She's twenty. She drank like a fish before she had even gotten there. She took off back into the shop as they asked Griffin what he was doing down from Connecticut, and was he bothering that girl.

Ficus and were the first two to realize the cops were talking to her, as they had asked her to come back out. Marcus and I looked at each other and I said, "You go find out where Ryan is, I'll pay the tab and be right out." Marc came up to me at the counter minutes later and said, "I think they've arrested Ryan." Everything in me just sank, I dropped my wallet and just looked at him, both of us white as ghosts.

Hurry outside, where I hear Meghan say, "That asshole's been following me. We used to work together, and he follows me wherever I go." FICKLE! Fucking bitch was trying to get the attention off of her. The cops were talking to the owner and his son, and they were denying that they had ever sold her any booze. So what's this minor doing intoxicated and what did that guy want with her? They had sat Griffin in the police car and were running his lisense. They made Meghan make a statement by telling him to stop following her. Marcus/ficus looks at me and says, "That's fucked up. Everyone knows he spends most of his time with you, and that she's been calling him." I looked at him and knew without a doubt, Marcus was one of the best goddamn friends Griffin and I were lucky to have. Wash of nausea and remorse comes over me.

"Marcus, could you go see what they're gonna do with him? See what we can do? You always were really good with cops."
He said, "We may have to bail him out."
"I know."

Nothing. They decided to do nothing with Griffin except put the warning on his record. Meghan was off crying in Sam's arms, the stupid little twit, and even her friends came up to Marc and me saying, "She's really taken all of this too far." She had better hope she never runs into me after this night. You don't hurt my boys, I'm sorry.

Meghan and Sam hit the road, the cops left, and Griffin was left leaning against his car. We gave him a few minutes, then he walked over and asked me if I could give him a ride home. Do crabs eat bacon? Of course.

I hugged Marcus, thanked him, and told him I'd be by his place Thursday to drop off that painting and take some pictures. "No problem."

Listened to Griffin boast about how well he handled the cops, he was raised by one after all, for about four hours, my sleep interrupted every ten minutes with a new exclaimation about how fucked up the situation was or about how big a bitch she is.

I was just glad he was safe. That things were finally done between the two of them, because she just hurt him so much. That Marcus was really the knight in shining armor I used to think he was.

Of course this would have to happen on one of the last nights I would be in town...it's still all patterns. Eastern boys, cops, Italians, Hungarians, Greeks. It's the same kind of cast just a different stage and different plot. It doesn't matter where the hell I am, there I be, right in the middle.

Two good things came out of all of this mess, though. Griffin's gonna try and get to Long Island ahead of time, his original goal being June 1st. And Marcus and I are going to restart our friendship, and I stress the word friendship, especially with his coming up in April. Can I make it possible to get everyone I care about the hell out of Florida? All of my friends are from the North or 'Back East' anyway. Can I just pack then up and take them back home with me?

Not a bad day.

Stayed awake till 10 AM, then napped until noon.  Went to class, conned my professor into letting me do a case study for extra credit on the Lockheed Martin Corporation, where I work during the summer.

Post office, bank, usual runs.

Took a nap until dinner.

Dinner, told the pledges we were having an activity tonight.  Heehee.

Homework.  Blech.  Also known as "sit on the newsgroup until the answers get posted time".

Pledge activity.  Muahahahahaha.
 

NODE OR DIE!  Can you do any less?

Wake up...

Sort of...drift out of the most depressing dream...Grab clothes...run off to work...late...shit the bills...

Stamps...

F*CK!

Rain...just what I need as I choke on a lozenge to soothe the throat...damn weather.

Pay bills...go to work...blah blah blah...still silence...still disjoint from reality in that odd sort of way that phases back and forth...drifting into dreamscape and back...

(THANK ANY GOD FOR MUSIC!)

Run around the city...prepare for the camping...(wonder how she's doing...as if...not gonna...)

Get back to stuff...feel like drugged...that's why I'm not at work anymore...

Damn Iron - Fire hot -how'bout it! (The UCB are/were wonderful schetch comedians...)

(running water to save the hand...relatively minor burns...not like the accident growing up)

Finish most of what's needed for today...sleep soon...very very soon...

...

It snowed more today.

Sure is shaping up to be a shitty spring if this is how it's going to be. I'm not big fan of hot weather, but I'm sick of winter by now, I'm ready to go swimming now and then, I'm ready to put my jacket away in the closet, and not take it out until the leaves begin to change.
At least today it warmed up enough to let me leave he house for a few hours, go play some pool, get off the internet.

I figure I'm already going to get arthritis from typing, but I should at least rip myself from the monitor for a few hours a day so that I can avoid getting some nasty form of cancer from the radiation.

So, I was noding last night when ephealy announces that he finished a "big project".
So I do a user search.
Damn.

You need to see the work this noder has done, it is amazing.
And on top of being amazing, it's really inspired me to do something good for E2. I've always wanted to put up good stuff on E2, but this has made me really want to do something substantial.

I've started updating all the "DJ" nodes that I think need a little bit of spiffing up (DJ Spooky, DJ Rap, DJ Funk, etc.). But this doesn't really seem substantial...
I used to be into doing Frank Zappa Lyrics, but that got old quickly.
I'd really like an E2 quest to start up. I know it will be a while, though, the editors and gods need a "human" way to grade them.

I've never participated in a quest, so I'll be sure to jump in on the next one that comes around.
First: This is a huge node... I'm thinking that nobody will even take the time to read this. oh well, all the better - seing as most of my nodes lately just get voted down for no apparent reason - don't give me the "that's how it is" speech - i've been around here for quite a while, and know excaclty how it is - this place is going down hill. You can't express yourself as much as you used to be able to do.

that sucks.

Second: the AC was broken at work today, since i live / work in the desert, this is a very bad thing. It was about 90 degrees in the office by lunch time and most of us couldn't stand it. Another worker and I left at 3pm instead of the usual 5:30, 6pm.

I washed my car. I needed to get all the dead bugs off the front that I had picked up going to / coming back from Rocky Point over the weekend for spring break. there were lots of boobs, and lots of beer, and lots of 4x4 trucks with "frat guys" wearing their nike visors upside down.

I bought a new book, Trainspotting by Irvine Welsh - started reading it at a local coffee shop called "Jamaica Blue" although there was nothing jamaican about it, other than some things that appeared to be beaches painted directly on the walls, and only a small amount of blue noticable. I was told by a friend to check it out, as I just moved to this city (Phoenix) and am in need of a place to sit back and read or be a nerd with my laptop. I like the place none the less and will probably make it my new "hang out spot".

Just finished a book - Cat's Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. - it was excellent and i highly recommend it.

-- more later.
Nice guys, good drugs, and lots of smooching go hand-in-hand.

Had rehearsal till 10:40 last night (I think our director forgot that he promised us we would be out of there at 10)-- I was supposed to meet someone at 10, and was really late as a result, but in the end, it didn't matter. Got to his house, apologized, smoked some... and may I say-- Let's hear it for really comfortable lemon yellow velvet couches! I'm going to be a couch designer when I grow up, seriously. After this couch experience, it's now my life goal... hehe. Cuddled a lot, listened to The Best of The Orb... and for once, I didn't feel weird and insecure about just being the way I am around someone else. "Would you SHUT your FUCKING eyes!! And stop clacking your jaw!" ... "Well, that's fine."

Kissing, lots and lots of kissing... suddenly it's 4:30 in the morning??? He has to be up in two hours, I have to be up in three or four. I hate that. So we can actually sleep, he retires to his room and leaves me on his nice bright fun couch, where I slide off into dreamland... finally, FINALLY, a decent day.

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