Euphemisms for Masturbation

• Applying lip gloss
• Basting the tuna
• Brushing the beaver
• Burying the knuckle
• Butterin' the muffin
• Checking my oil
• Checking the foxhole
• Checking the status of the I/O port
• Circling the knoll
• Cleaning my fur coat
• Cleaning your fingers
• Creamin' the pie
• Digging for my keys
• Digitating
• Doing my nails
• Doing something for my chapped lips
• Doing the Two Finger Slot Rumba
• Drinking from the fountain of youth (for us contortionists)
• Drooling
• Dusting the endtable
• Entering the ring of fire
• Fare un ditolino (Italian: to do a little finger)
• Finger blasting
• Finger fuck
• Finger pie
• Flicking the bean
• Flossing the cat
• Frigging
• Getting a stain out of my carpet
• Going Mining
• Gusset typing
• Hula-hooping
• Itching the ditch
• JocelynEldering
• Jilling off - Thanks Brass Rocket!
• Licking my lips (for us contortionists)
• Looking for Waldo & his dog (gee, spot, there you are!)
• Makin' waves for the man-in-the-boat
• Making soup
• Nulling the void
• Paddling the pink canoe
• Parting the red sea
• Petting Snoopy
• Playing solitare
• Playing The Silent Trombone
• Playing the beaver
• Pokin' the pucker
• Polishing the wedding ring
• Preheating the oven
• Producing whore moans (hormones, get it? ;^)
• Pussy poking
• Riding the waterslide
• Rolling the dough
• Rubbin' the nubbin
• Scratching the patch
• Secret vice
• Shooting hoops
• Shooting the rapids
• Slapping the Mackerel
• Snatching
• Soaking in Palmolive
• Spelunking
• Stiffening my upper lip
• Stirring it up
• Stoking the furnace
• Strumming the banjo
• Surfin' the channel
• Taking a dip
• The two fingered tango
• Tickling the taco
• Toggling the bit
• Unclogging the drain
• Visiting Niagra Falls
• Visiting your safety deposit box
• Whipping your nest
• Working in the garden

For men:

• A big date with Rosy Palms
• Adjusting your set
• Applying the hand brake
• Attacking the one-eyed purple-headed warrior
• Auditioning the finger puppets
• Auditioning your hand puppet
• Backstroke roulette
• Bashing the Bishop
• Bashing the candle
• Beating off
• Beating the balogna
• Beating the bed flute
• Beating the Bishop
• Beating the dummy
• Beating the old man
• Beating the pud
• Beating the stick
• Beating your meat
• Beef-stroke-it-off
• Being a virtuoso of the skin flute
• Being your own best friend
• Biffing off
• Bleed the weed
• Blowing the load
• Blowing your own horn
• Bludgeoning the beefsteak
• Bobbing your boloney
• Bopping Richard
• Bopping the bishop
• Bopping the bolgney
• Bopping the Bonzo
• Boxing the bald champ
• Boxing the clown
• Boxing the jesuit and getting cockroaches
• Boxing with Richard
• Buffin' the bishop
• Buffing the banana
• Buffing the rifle
• Buggering your hand
• Burping the baby
• Burping the worm
• Buttering the corn
• Caning the vandal
• Capturing the bishop
• Charming the snake
• Checking for testicular cancer
• Cheesing off
• Choking Kojak
• Choking the bald guy until he pukes
• Choking the chicken
• Choking the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come
• Churning your butter
• Clamping the pipe
• Cleaning your rifle
• Clearing the snorkel
• Climbin the tree
• Climbing Mount Baldy
• Clobbering the Kleenex
• Closet Frisbee
• Clubbing the clam
• Coating Prince William Sound with love oil
• Coming into your own
• Coming to grips with yourself
• Cooking the cream of cock
• Corralling the tadpoles
• Couch hockey for one
• Cranking the love pump
• Cranking the monkey
• Cranking the shank
• Crimping the wire
• Crowning the king
• Cuddlin' the Kielbasa
• Cuffing the carrot
• Dancing with Johnnie One-Eye
• Dating Miss Michigan (think geography)
• Dating Rosie Palm and her five sisters
• Decongesting the weasel
• Defrosting the fridge
• Diddling
• Digging for change
• Digitally oscillating one's penis
• Doin' The Solitary Rhumba
• Doing a hand job
• Doing battle with the Purple Helmeted Warrior of Love
• Doing handiwork
• Doing It Your Way
• Doing the five-knuckle shuffle
• Doing the human version of AUTOEXEC.BAT
• Doing the janitor thing
• Doing the knuckle shuffle on the ol' piss pump
• Doing the pork sword jiggle
• Doing the White Knuckler
• Doing your own thing
• Downing at the club (for members only)
• Draining the monster
• Draining the poisons from the building
• Driving the skin bus
• Dry humping the ottoman
• Dundering the devil-dolphin
• Electing the president
• Engaging in safe sex
• Escorting the one-eyed postal worker out of its denim cell
• Faxing Jimmy Dean
• Faxing the Pope
• Feeding the ducks
• Firing the flesh musket
• Firing the Surgeon General
• Fishing for zipper trout
• Fist fucking
• Fisting your mister
• Five-finger solo
• Five-knuckle-shuffle on the old piss pump
• Five on one
• Flick on over the thumb
• Flapping Takkie (South African)
• Flaying the Emperor
• Flicking the bic
• Flipping the Bishop
• Flogging the bishop
• Flogging the dog
• Flogging the dolphin
• Flogging the dong
• Flogging the frog
• Flogging the hog
• Flogging the log
• Flogging the mule
• Flogging the salami
• Flogging your dumber brother
• Flute solo
• Fly fishing
• Fondling the fig
• Freeing Willy
• Friggit
• Frosting the pastries
• Galloping the antelope
• Galloping the old lizard
• Genitalic stimulation via phallengetic motion
• Getting a date with Slick Mittens
• Getting a grip on things
• Getting a stiffy
• Getting chafed
• Getting off
• Getting the German soldier marching
• Getting the glue stick
• Getting to know yourself
• Getting your palm read by Mister Softee
• Getting your palm red
• Getting your pole varnished
• Giving it a tug
• Giving yourself a low five
• Glazing the donut
• Gluing the lady's eye's shut
• Going a couple of rounds with ol' josh
• Going blind
• Going on a date with Handrea and Palmela
• Going on a date with Rosey Palm and the five daughters
• Going on Peewee's little adventure
• Going the blow
• Grappling the gorilla
• Greasing the pipe
• Gripping the pencil
• Hacking the hog
• Han Solo
• Hand job
• Hand Shandy
• Handy work
• Hanging the old man
• Hard labor
• Having a ball
• Having a conversation with the one-eyed trouser snake
• Having a date with Fisty Palmer
• Having a date with Rosie Palm and her five sisters
• Having a ham shank
• Having a J. Arthur (British special, after J. Arthur Rank, it's rhyming slang)
• Having a one-night-stand with yourself
• Having a Sherman (British)
• Having a tug
• Having a tug-of-war with the cyclops
• Having an arm-wrestle with your one-eyed vessel
• Having dinner
• Having it off
• Having sex with someone you love
• Hitchhiking to heaven
• Hitchhiking underneath the big top
• Holding my own
• Holding the sausage hostage
• Honing the cone
• Hugging the hog
• Humping the hose
• Ironing some wrinkles
• Jack hammering
• Jacking off
• Jazzing yourself
• Jerkin' the gherkin
• Jerking Jamby
• Jerking off
• Jerking the turkey
• Jerking yanking daisy-chaining
• Jizzlobbing
• Juggling the coullions
• Just jerkin' it
• Kicking seamen
• Kicking your roommate out for five to ten minutes to "call your parents"
• Killing it
• Kneading my knockwurst.
• Knuckle shuffle on the ol' piss pump
• Knuckling the bone
• La veuve poignet (French)
• Launching the hand shuttle
• Looking for ticks
• Loping the mule
• Loves labors lost
• Loving the muppet
• Lubing the Tube
• Making a foreskin cone
• Making friends with Big Ed
• Making instant pudding
• Making the bald man puke
• Making the scene with the magazine
• Making vanilla jism shakes
• Making yourself at home
• Mangling the midget
• Manipulating the mango
• Manning the cockpit
• Manual labor
• Manual override
• Master bacon
• Meeting Mary Palm and her five sisters
• Meeting Rosie Hancock
• Meeting with Mother Thumb and her four daughters
• Milking one's self
• Milking the bull
• Milking the cow
• Milking the lizard
• Milking the moose
• Milking the weasel
• Minding my own business
• Molesting the mole
• Mounting a corporal and four
• Much goo about nothing
• My sex life!
• Nerking your throbber
• Oiling the glove
• Onan's Olympics
• Onanism
• One gun salute
• One man show
• One off the wrist
• Packing your palm
• Paddling the pickle
• Painting the ceiling
• Painting the pickle
• Painting the walls
• Palming the calm
• Peelin' some chiles
• Peeling the banana
• Peeling the carrot
• Performing a self-test
• Performing diagnostics on your ManTool
• Perling the oyster
• Petting the lizard
• Phoning the czar
• Pipping the pumpkin
• Playing a little five-on-one
• Playing a one-stringed guitar
• Playing in a one-man show
• Playing Peek-A-Boo With Mr. Johnson
• Playing peekaboo
• Playing pocket pinball
• Playing pocket pool
• Playing tag with the pink torpedo
• Playing the flesh flute
• Playing the one-stringed melody
• Playing the skin flute
• Playing tug-o-war with the cyclops
• Playing Uno
• Playing with the spitting llama
• Playing with your turtle (for uncircumcised guys?)
• Pleasing your pisser
• Plunking your twanger
• Pocket pinball
• Pocket pool
• Pole vaulting
• Polishing Percy in your palm
• Polishing the beak
• Polishing the family jewels
• Polishing the helmet
• Polishing the rocket
• Polishing the sword
• Popping a nut
• Popping the cork
• Pounding off
• Pounding the bald-headed moose
• Pounding the pud
• Pounding your flounder
• Preparing the carrot
• Priming the pump
• Pud wrestling
• Pulling off
• Pulling rank
• Pulling the bologna pony
• Pulling the carrot
• Pulling the Colonel Sanders Heimleich Manuever
• Pulling the cord
• Pulling the five-knuckle shuffle
• Pulling the goalie
• Pulling the handbrake
• Pulling the pole
• Pulling the Pope
• Pulling the weed
• Pulling the wire
• Pulling your goalie
• Pulling your own leg
• Pulling your prick
• Pulling your pud
• Pulling your taffy
• Pummeling the priest
• Pumping cream
• Pumping the electric goo gun
• Pumping the gas at the self-service island
• Pumping the python
• Pumping the stump
• Punchin' the munchkin
• Punching the clown
• Punching the munchin
• Punishing Percy in the palm
• Punishing the Pope
• Qualifying in the testicular time trial
• Raising the mainsail
• Ramming the ham
• Rapid one arm pull-ups
• Reading poetry
• Relieving tension
• Riding the great white knuckler
• Rolling your own
• Romancing the bone
• Romeo and Himself
• Roping the pony
• Roping the Pope
• Roughing up the suspect
• Rubbing off
• Rubbing one out
• Rubbing the magic one-eyed wonder weasel
• Rubbing the pink eraser
• Rubbing the rod
• Running off a batch by hand
• Running the cheeta
• Sacrificing sperm to the god of lonely nights
• Safest sex
• Sanding wood
• Saying a private prayer in the Church of the First Holy Monkey
• Schnauzer Shuffleboard
• Scouring the tower of power
• Scraping your horn
• Scratchin the itch
• Se branler (French)
• Se crosser (French)
• Se faire les cinq doigts de la main (French)
• Se passer un poignet (French)
• Secret handshake
• Self abuse
• Self-induced penile regurgitation
• Self-inflicted intercourse
• Sex with someone you really love
• Shagging
• Shaking hands with Abraham Lincoln
• Shaking hands with Jack McNasty
• Shaking hands with Mr. Happy
• Shaking Hands with Mr. President
• Shaking hands with the general
• Shaking hands with the midget
• Shaking hands with the unemployed
• Shaking hands with the wife's best friend
• Shaking hands with your John Thomas
• Shaking hands with your wife's best friend
• Shaking hands with Yul Brenner
• Shaking the bottle
• Shaking the dice
• Shaking the hand of the self-employed
• Shaking the sauce
• Shaking the sausage
• Shaking the snake
• Shanking
• Shellacking the shellaleigh
• Shemping the hog
• Shifting gears
• Shining the helmet
• Shining the pork sword
• Shining your pole
• Shoot skeet (pull...shoot)
• Shooting flies
• Shooting for the moon
• Shooting putty at the moon
• Shooting tadpoles at the moon (from the movie "Totally Fucked up)
• Shooting your wad
• Shuck The Corn
• Shucking your corn
• Slaking the bacon
• Slamming the ham
• Slamming the hammer
• Slamming the salami
• Slamming the salmon
• Slamming the spam
• Slapping the big-nosed Rasta man
• Slappin the purple headed yogurt pistol
• Slapping high fives with Yul Brynner
• Slapping it
• Slapping pappy
• Slapping the carrot
• Slapping the clown
• Slapping the donkey
• Slapping the FleshGopher
• Slapping the pud
• Slapping the salami
• Slinging the jelly
• Smacking the oompa loompa
• Smacking the salami
• Smacking the weasel
• Smacking-off
• Snapping one off
• Snapping the carrot
• Snapping the monkey
• Snapping the rubber
• Snapping the whip
• Solo flight
• Solo marathon
• Solo sex
• Spanking Cheetah
• Spanking Elvis
• Spanking Frank
• Spanking the bishop
• Spanking the monkey
• Spanking the salami
• Spanking the wank
• Spit-polishing the purple helmet
• Spunking
• Squeezing the cheese
• Squeezing the cream from the flesh Twinkie
• Squeezing the juice
• Squeezing the lemon
• Squeezing the weasel
• Squeezing your cheese-dog
• Stinky pinky
• Stirring the batter
• Stirring the yogurt
• Strainin' the main vein
• Strangling the Serpent
• Striking the pink match
• Stroking it
• Stroking off
• Stroking the dog
• Stroking the lizard
• Stroking the mole
• Stroking the one-eyed burping gecko
• Stroking the satin-headed serpent
• Stroking the squirmin' German
• Stroking the wiener
• Stroking your poker
• Stroking your twinkie
• Taking a nap
• Taking a shake break
• Taking Herman to the circus
• Taking matters into your own hands
• Taking ol' one eye through the fly
• Taking part in population control
• Taking some time off
• Taking the Jocelyn Elders Midterm
• Taking the monster for a one-armed ride
• Talking quietly to yourself
• Taming the shrew
• Taunting the one-eyed weasel
• Teasing the weasel
• Teasing the weenie
• Tenderizing the meat
• Tenderizing the tube steak
• Testicular tensile strength test
• Testing the testicles
• Testing your batteries
• That crazy hand jive
• The art of Unisex
• The Colonel Sanders Heimleich Maneuver
• The five knuckle shuffle on the old piss pipe
• The serta solo
• Thrapping
• Throwing
• Throwing one
• Thumping the pump
• Ticklewigglejigglepickle
• Tickling my fancy
• Tickling the ivory
• Tickling the one-eyed weasel
• Tickling the pickle
• Tonking
• Torkin' the fork
• Torturing the tentacle
• Tossing off
• Tossing the salad
• Tossing the snag
• Tossing the turkey
• Tossing yogurt
• Treating yourself right
• Trouser snake CPR
• Tugging the slug
• Tugging the tapioca tube
• Tuning my horn
• Turning Japanese
• Twanging the wire
• Tweaking your twinkie
• Twisting your crank
• Twisting your tool
• Unloading the gun
• Using the Force on Darth Vader
• Varnishing the flagpole
• Violating the hedge-hog
• Visiting Rosy Palm and her five daughters
• Wacking off
• Wacking the one-eyed worm
• Wacking the weasel
• Wacking the willie
• Waking the dead
• Waking Wee Willie Wonka
• Walking the dog
• Walking the plank
• Walking the snake
• Waltzing with Willy
• Wanking
• Wanking with the one-eyed wonder weasel
• Washing the meat
• Waving the Magic Wand
• Waxing the car
• Waxing the carrot
• Waxing the dolphin
• Waxing your surfboard
• Whackin the weasel
• Whacking it
• Whacking off
• Whacking Willy
• Whipping off
• Whipping the bishop
• Whipping the dummy
• Whipping the one-eyed trouser snake
• Whipping the rat
• Whipping the stiff
• Whipping the wire
• Whipping up some sour cream
• Whipping willy the one-eyed wonder-worm
• Whipping your dripper
• White-water wristing
• Whittling the stick
• Whizzing jism
• Windsurfing on Mount Baldy
• Wonking your conker
• Wonking your donk
• Workin' out a stiff joint
• Working off
• Working off a batch
• Wrestling the eel
• Wrestling the one-eyed monster
• Wrestling the purple headed warrior
• Wrestling with the bald champ
• Wringing out your rope
• Wrist aerobics
• Yanking off
• Yanking the crank
• Yanking the yoyo
• Yanking your plank