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I am deathly afraid of February (thing)
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by
Wuukiee
Mon Jan 15 2001 at 3:02:44
i do not fear
February
this time around, for the first time in literally
years
. This damnable
month
has been my
nemisis
for longer than i care to remember.
There was always the normal "i am
single
i hate this month because
valentine's day
makes me feel
ugly
and
hideous
and
worthless
" kick that destroyed whatever
self-image
i had managed to build up over the
year
. This was there, this was always there. This was, in the end,
bearable
. (and in
retrospect
, silly).
Far worse, it was in the
February
of eighth grade the
friend
i considered my
best
for years brought the
gradual
decline of our
friendship
to a sharp
point
... and stabbed me in the
back
with that same
sharpness
, betraying me and
exploiting
the weakness only
she
knew i had at that time. i still
miss
her.
and it was
February
, some years later, in which i sat, and waited, over
weeks
, to see if a
condition
a close friend had was merely excess
vessels
on her
brain stem
... or the
serious
medical
condition that killed her
father
when she was in
sixth
grade. she was, in the
end
, OK. but it was sheerly
terrifying
.
there are things from over the years i do not even *
remember
* anymore--most of them i have literally
blocked
from my mind because of their
pain
.
None of these hells of
February
were anything, however, compared to the fact that it was in a
February
i began the long, and
slow
process of destroying my own
mind
.
It's
interesting
, now, in
retrospect
... what i did, and why i did it... equally as fascinating is that then, i was the
tagger-on
, the
wannabe witch
, while she took
wicca
properly. Now it is i who remain solidly
pagan
, and she who has
wandered
back to her
roots
of
christianity
...
it's
10th grade
.
February
. i am
lost
in my mind. i have nothing to
cling
to, no
faith
and
nobody
and nothing makes sense anymore.
So i cling to *her*, the
finn
, my--since i lost the first--
best friend
. the one i ...tend to
worship
. for she is everyting a girl *should* be,
tall
,
blonde
,
gorgeous
,
smart
,
charming
. And she bothers to associate with the likes of *me*?
i need something, some
belief
something... she is
perfect
she is
wise
she is
solid
. she must be right, she can do no
wrong
.
wicca
is right for her, it
works
, she must be
right
she can do no
wrong
. this must be what i want too. if i take this...
i may in some way become a shadow of her... the thing i thought i wanted to be
.
that's it
. that's the one
reason
i took
wicca
as my "religion". because it was
hers
. no thought as to what was good for *me*. just, it was hers, it had to be right.
after some
months
i realized what i was doing. that this was *not* working for me quite right. (not that
wicca
was not my path, i'd *alway8 been fascinated by
energy
and
souls
and
minds
. but because of my REASONS it was wrong. i
about-face
d and ran back to what i knew was safe.
For the better part of a year and a half i was "
christian
", but again, because it was
easy
. because it was
safe
. not because it *meant* something to me.
within this year and a half came the next
february
. at this time i *think* i am christian. i am afraid of being drawn back to my "
sinful
" ways of the previous year. i convince myself that i was most seceptable to the "
demons
" in
february
because it was
february
i first "
gave in
" to the "sin". i think i am "weak" during this time, and must resist "reverting" to my old ways. i
fear
to return.
and yes, the "
voices
" do return. they *do* call to me--they have been
calling
all year. i have merely been too much in
denial
to hear them. this time i can hear them. and i
fight
them. and i stay "christian". and i convince myself i '
win
'.
by the following
february
i am *so used* to living in complete and utter
terror
of the month i literally almost give myself a
nervous breakdown
in
february
for the *waiting*. "its a week into february and all hell has not broken loose yet! something must be WRONG! the longer it takes the worse it will be!" and literally almost
collapse
from the fear. the one high point is being given a
single red rose
by my
love
, for
valentines
.
now, however, for the first time in *literally
years
* i am not
dreading
february. i do not have to fight the "demons" because i *am* the demons of my old
mind
, i am comfortably at terms with the fact the
pagan
path IS my way, my
life
. i have realized that people *do* come and
go
, and that
loss
is a
way of life
. and i have no need anymore to
build
valentines up to a massive massive
colossus
of a day--because i now know
love
is not about one day for giving
tokens
and proclaiming
devotion
. instead, *every*
day
means as much. (thank you,
andrew-sama
, for showing me this.). but for the first time in
as long as i can remember
... february is no longer a
monster
but merely another
month
.
February wants me dead
water moves, beneath the ice. now is almost time -
Broken things that nobody knows how to fix
April is the cruellest month
Valentine's Day
We're Only In It For The Money
Of all the Seasons, Autumn is the Most Dangerous
Malted Milk Shake
strip Tetris
The Collapse Of Chaos
Mutual masturbation
Nessun maggior dolore che ricordarsi del tempo felice ne la miseria
Forgetting the last stair
Live It Up
Ides of March
February
Homeless
February 1, 2010
March 7, 2003
Shake
nervous breakdown
dysfunctional family
Kitten
I don't need to read, I'm a writer