display | more...

What can I say about David the Centaur? For starters, he has captured me and seems completely unconcerned with the hairless ass weasel being some kind of deus ex machina with the way he comes in and just kills everyone whenever I am captured. He laughs about this. He thinks it is funny. I think he is going to die if he does not release me before my butt-dwelling "friend" discovers what is going on and acts.

David the Centaur is unconcerned. He is a magnificent beast that looks like Tom Selleck with a horse's body. Very slender. Very strong. Very mighty. Moustache.

"Remember her from that show in the 1970s? Try not to smile when you see her now," David said unto me.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, since what he said made no sense and he was drawing circles in the air with his centaur hands.

"One weird trick, baby. One weird trick."

"I'm not following you."

"He only speaks clickbait," explained one of David's associates (also a centaur).

"This little known rule has residents of your town paying twenty-five cents a month for car insurance," David told me.

"How am I supposed to communicate with David the Centaur?" I asked his associate (the one who is also a centaur).

"Ask him question. Click on his response."

I turned to David the Centaur and asked him, "Why are you keeping me prisoner? I am allied with the elves at present."

"This couple is confused why their pic has gone viral," David told me.

"What is that supposed to mean?" I asked the associate (centaur).

"He feels your loyalty is questionable and that you can be bribed or bought with little trouble."

"This is true," I confessed openly. "What does he intend to do with me?"

"Ready to pay 0% interest?" David asked me.

"Sure," I told him. "What do I have to do?"

That bewildered David the Centaur. He stood frozen and then extended a man hand to me. I shook it.

"I need information," I told David and his associate (who he seemed to have a friendship of some kind with). "What is the status of the elven invasion?"

"Racy history photos that could never be shown today."

I turned to the associate for a translation. "Can you help me?"

Jonathan Ticklebutt the Elf Lord, who had been going number two in the bushes up until this point, had cleaned himself up and joined the conversation. "Hi guys."

"Hi Jon," the centaur associate replied. "You sure are a gorgeous elf."

"Thank you."

"These shows are getting the axe!" David the Centaur yelled out while holding up a picture of the star of the most popular show on centaur television.

"What is our next move?" I asked Jonathan Ticklebutt. "What is the status of the invasion?"

"The humans are jamming my communications. I cannot contact the elven dimension at present. The Americans appear to have developed a counter to our invasion called the Space Force. They are jamming elven communications from their secret volcano base."

"How far away is it?"

"We'll need to steal a car."

"He's gone! Try not to smile when you look at Behr now! One weird trick!" David the Centaur just kept on yelling as Jonathan Ticklebutt and I walked to a nearby strip mall looking for a car to steal.

"You know, my Pontiac is parked right around the corner," I mentioned to David the Centaur.

"I'd rather drive something more modern."

"Concerned about gas mileage?" I asked him.

"Somewhat, but since I'm now paying twenty-five cents a month for car insurance that is no longer an issue."