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One of my favorite bands, if not my very favorite band, was The Hip Nipplers. One of the finest straight white all-male bands you'll ever see on stage or in their sound recordings. I don't know if you are aware of this or not, but we have the ability to "record" music as people are playing it and then listen to it many times in order to produce pleasing emotions. You can go to a vintage record store and the shopkeeper will be happy to help you find sound recordings by The Hip Nipplers.

The music of straight white non-liberal men has long been suppressed by the media, and yet it is the most rhythmic and beat-conscious music known to man.

One of their first songs, Put Your Meaty Haunches on Me, was a moderate hit across the pond. It cuts to the chase on the reason for every single personal relationship we have, experiencing the weight of their meaty haunches on top of your body. The ideal song for the romantics out there. But silly love songs were only part of their catalogue. I don't know if you know what a catalogue is or not, but they are fast becoming extinct in the age of the Internet. No longer are catalogues showing up at people's house in bulk, promoting the free market system. This is throwing the economy into a tailspin. We need catalogues back and we need as many mailed out to as many people as possible.

Forget about dinner
Forget about the movies
Come over to my place, baby
Put your meaty haunches on me.

Good quality stuff there, long before gangsta rap ruined the entire fucking music industry and drove acts like Pat Boone and Jackie Sherrill underground. A sad day indeed. It absolutely pisses me off to no end that this kind of quality music is no longer on the shelves and shit about bird sounds and leaping about bouncing music is there in its place. Absolute motherfucking goddamned shame it is.

The first hit that The Hip Nipplers had in America (pond) was a lovely ballad called Flippin' Bird. It isn't my favorite song by them, but it is up there because of the way it transposes the middle finger and the vagina in the video with one sliding in and out of the other while a man yells angrily in German. I've put it on during hot dates and had moderate success in that way, especially when I show my date the video on my big screen television that I used to have before I was forced out of my Baltimore home by the FBI for murdering my neighbors and seizing their property, even though this is fully allowed under the Manifest Destiny clause of the U.S. Constitution. This is why I am running for president. I intend to use livestock trucks.

The Hip Nipplers had competition from The Beatles and that whole scene, which involved absolutely filthy perversions including the idea of "holding hands" with a woman. While middle America was angry as hell and attacked The Beatles in mobs when they arrived and worse, The Hip Nipplers filled the void with rich, soulful, honest music that wasn't filthy and unnatural.

The Honesty Equation was a modest hit for the Hip Nipplers in 1967, a song in which they instructed young women to be honest and submissive to men. It was a wonderful song with rich vibrato and a concert for strings in D minor. It didn't age well, on account of the hairstyles talked about in the song but still a great tune.

Splitting Hairs was the first song by the Hip Nipplers to break top ten in the Billboard charts. I know I was hard. Were you hard when that happened? It was great to see. They pushed The Beatles, whose carcasses I now own, right off the charts because on the heels of Splitting Hairs came one of their biggest hits ever, A Gimlet for Gertie. If you don't know the history of this song, it is about when the Hip Nipplers were thirteen and they drugged John Mannich's elderly grandmother and had their way with her sexually before slitting her throat and hiding her body behind the fireplace. It is a song that really sees the band open up for the first time about their storied past with this wholesome hit.

We poured a gimlet for Gertie
The old bitch needs it bad
Give that gimlet to Gertie
She'll never know we slipped her a mickey
Bitch is gonna pay

You don't get this kind of honest, down home music these days because of all the autotuning. When they autotune a song, they take a lot of the honesty out of the lyrics, and so there is no longer any place for straight white men to release songs about their honest experiences growing up. There is no just place for it, the song would fall upon deaf ears. Kids today would rather hear a clown jumping up and down saying he wants a Yodel than hear real, honest music involving guitars.


The Story of Wiseland

Unless you stayed suckled to your mother's tit until the age of twelve, you have heard at least some mention of Wiseland. Sometimes you might wonder what this is. Did you ask the people who were talking about Wiseland any questions? Or did you shirk this responsibility? We all need to develop personal responsibility and if you are going to come to me every time someone in the street says something and you don't understand, our friendship isn't going to last. GO TO THE SOURCE FOR ANSWERS. Sometimes I swear you people take years off my life with this shit.

In 1968, the Hip Nipplers went into the studio and didn't come out for seven months. No one knew what they were doing, but there were many rumors. One of those rumors was that they were recording the first ever wholesome concept album at a time when the dirty rock bands were coming out with foul, devilish concept albums.They were going to release something so wholesome that it would keep Benny Hill on prime time television indefinitely.

That album became known as Wiseland, and it was their masterwork. It combined the raw energy of Flippin' Bird and mates it with the real truth of Gimlet for Gertie. I know I was impressed by it. You would be. Also impressed. As I was. By this album. Buy it now.

So, why was this album so outstanding? It starts with the first track, Racing Day, which is a gentle love ballad that is reminiscent of the Christensen Brothers early catalogue. It sets the tone for what is to come.

Pasty-Face George is our second track here, a rockabilly number about beating the living shit out of a fat kid with a pasty-face. Good party tune.

Suits to Work is a moral tale about the importance of having a job that you wear a suit and tie to. Solid number, if generally unimpressive given what the Scotsmen did in the seventies with similar themes.

Soup in the Parlor is a silly song about some down on his luck guy eating soup alone in his parlor. I'm not sure why this song, or songs like it, are necessary.

No Rest for the Wicked is an unusual song played with an out-of-tune guitar and a flute. I don't like it.

Tears and Beers is about breaking up with a woman because she doesn't put out enough. The video for this song recalls the imagery of Flippin' Bird but takes it a step further.

I'm on the Inside of the Outside Window. This is a tongue twister. I don't know if you know what a tongue twister is or not but it is a thought that makes your brain confused. The song itself is much more simple than the title makes it out to be. It is about a guy who has gotten trapped inside the double-windows of an art museum and he's slowly suffocating to death. This is another type of song I'm not sure is necessary, but it has a catchy beat and the single came with a free Woolworths tie.

You're Going Nowhere is probably the Hip Nipplers song you are most familiar with. It hit #1 worldwide in 1968,

You're going nowhere
You're going nowhere
Nowhere, nowhere
Going nowhere, nowhere
You're going nowhere
You are going nowhere
Yes you are

Wholesome stuff. You can't put a price on it.

Clowns on the Underside is about clowns infiltrating a Soviet missile base and starting World War III. It includes appropriate sound effects and instrumentation. Much like early Beethoven.

And finally, Last Song on the Album, which has been called filler, but you decide:

This is the last song on the album
Last song on the album
Yes it is, last song
Last song on the album

After the rapid fire popularity of the album, hard times hit the Hip Nipplers. Bassist Walter Scott was lured by the pots and began showing up "stoned" at recording sessions. Brad Perverr was bringing his whores to the studio, and tensions were high. They had two moderate hits in 1969 with Oscar's Got a Woody and Homogenous Tales, but then they started solo careers that crashed and burned without the medley of music that fused together when they were making tunes together.