I ran out of the library in tears. The local
chapel bell was ringing, as I ran through the
alley. It was noon, and what I had just lost could never be replaced. I had told myself that I wouldn't let it happen again. I told myself I wouldn't give in anymore.
I lied to myself. He was who I wanted. I asked him if he loved me. He said yes, but I knew he would never marry me. I had this gut feeling he was
a bachelor for life, so I could never fully have him. I asked him if he would ever marry me. He said no.
"Meanie! Why not?"
I dunno.
I had flown to New York a couple of months back to meet him. I had met him online, and wanted him to be mine for so long. I was his girlfriend, or so I thought I was. He didn't even know my
last name, nor my nick for
everything2, but
I didn't care. He was different, and he showed me affection. I told him I wasn't going to waste my time if he didn't think we were going anywhere, or if our love wasn't growing.
Better to end it now then later, I thought. I guess I was just
bluffing. I didn't want to end things. I wanted him to say, "You're being silly, you will forever be my Zozo." Instead he let go.
It's hard not being around you, you know...
"hehe..I've never seen that as a problem."
I do. I can't sleep sometimes. When I'm awake it's easy to distract myself with computers and homework and things, but when I'm lying in bed I always start thinking about how I miss you...
At this point how I wanted him to tell me he wanted to stay with me. To let me know that I wasn't wasting my time. I wanted him to tell me he loved me. I wanted him to
fight for me, to not
let me go.
I don't want to just forget you.
"has to be
a gradual thing ay"
What does?
"forgetting?"
I mean,
I don't wanna say "good bye" forever.
The conversation soon went dead. We were no longer together. I didn't care that he was hundereds of miles away. I didn't see it as a problem.
I wanted to love him.
I wanted to feel loved. It felt good when we were together.
Maybe I was being selfish, and I didn't deserve him. All I know is the he truly made me happy...
I know I am 18, and probably shouldn't be rushing. I should take things slow. I don't really want to. I want to be
attached.
I want to commit already. I want to know someone will always love me. I want to be reassured that I won't be lonely. I want someone that can tell me that. I don't really care to be labeled "married". I wouldn't mind being single, but I do want someone.
I want someone to hold at nights. I still like
Nathan. I wanted him to be the one I wake up and see every morning, and now he's gone.