I fucking hate
catch-22's. My
grandmother was put back in the hospital again late last week.. and my
grandfather is ill.. just like last time.. he
worries about her so much.. he makes himself ill..
I hate seeing them suffer.. My mom is a basket case.. it sounds so horrible.. but I wish
they would all go in a
airplane crash.. quick, painless, and together.. I can deal with my grief.. but if my grandmother dies.. it will be the end
of my grandfather.. and my mother would fall apart.. loosing both her parents quickly together.. it sounds so
selfish.. but watching others I
love
grieve.. I feel so helpless because I can't ease their pain.. seeing them in pain just drives a knife in me..
I spent all day with my grandmother.. she worries about me.. she told me today she wants to see me here.. in
Florida.. settled.. Settled. A
big part of why I am still here is due to
obligation I feel for my family.. blah blah only child, only
grandchild.. She offered me a car.. heh and
what great timing.. since I found out my car needs a new
engine.. 6200 dollars I don't have.. I know she isn't doing it to
bribe me.. she just
thinks it's something that would make living here easier.. I don't care about the car.. but I couldn't bear the
guilt of leaving for any serious
length of time knowing I could be missing my grandmothers last days..
stress.. between money and worry.. and I can't let it show.. I need to be the strong one.. the one who is full of "it's all going to be
wonderful".. I just feel as if I need to go in 50 different directions right now.. and not one of these directions are something I can
sacrifice not
going in.. for survival.. mental, financial, emotional, physical blah
I feel so
useless right now in all my endeavors.
I just wish I knew the answer/s.
I know there is no easy solution.. and eventually something or things will have to give.. and it won't be easy etc.. and "
this too shall pass" but
I'm scared about the
consequences of my actions.. the immediate ones.. and the not so immediate consequences.. I just wish I could at least
have the satisfaction of knowing the people I care about aren't suffering.. but my suffering doesn't ease theirs.. I guess I feel as if right now..
I'm just not making it worse. I should be satisfied with that.. but it feels as if it all in
vain.. I guess it is.. argh.
. . .
"I really have no what idea to do right now." That statement applies to my life and my state of mind on so many levels. I have no idea to
do about my family.. there is really nothing I can do other than what I am.. I am here, as I have been much longer than I intended. I don't see
that changing on any permanent level until something to do with the situation changes. This is fine. I can bide my time here, except that it's
sending me into financial debt. I don't care about being poor right now, or student loan debt.. but this is much more dire debt.. but to reverse
the situation really isn't an option. I am left with just dealing with it like quicksand.. I work to get out.. but I still sink. I guess that will just be
awful to fully get out of later, but as far as I sink now.. I won't drown.. I will just choke a bit. I really laugh at the fact that all this stuff
distracts me from the mess that is my social life on a personal level. It's slightly amusing. Nevermind my mental health, or lack there of..
haha.. ugh.. but in all seriousness.. I just have this feeling that all this time in Florida is leading me down a bad road where that stuff is
concerned. I'm not really sure how or why.. I guess I isolate myself a lot when I am down here, partly due to preference and partly to
circumstance. Allowing myself time to rip myself and psyche apart on a daily basis.. instead of doing silly spontaneous things. My social
spontaneity is really only acted on when I am being social! I've been trying to work on that though.. I've seen people I haven't seen in
months or years.. I just need to learn how to not let the overwhelming drain of a reason for being here is, push over into my being happy
when being social in Florida -- and not to avoid doing that by being reclusive. babble babble..
I am a such a master of the obvious. I just realized a lot of my preferred Floridian hermetic behavior is due to the lack of control I feel over my life right now.
I mean.. years ago when I was here I subscribed to the idea of "victim of circumstance and fate".. but that's what's so different. The fact that
I feel so trapped by realistic and responsible options, totally violates my philosophy of "doing something" if you are unhappy.. doing
something to change the circumstance.. even if the something doesn't make it immediately better.. it's at least taking some control and
responsibility for one's fate. While I am in control of my fate, and responsible for my circumstances.. it's this passive aggressive control I
have right now. At the same time it just reinforces my fears of what's going to be my next challenge down the road.. fear of the unknown..
because I am not even at the point where I have to face the fear.. I just have the scary "coming soon" previews, but without any real
information to use to plan and analyze how I will deal with "what's coming soon" ..