I'm so frickin' excited. I think I'm thisclose to being a
normal human being again. And it's about damn time.
April is the cruelest month and it was April of last year when I fell apart inside and I stayed that way. Hurting for (seemingly) no reason at all, the
self-destruction in just about every way imaginable. And a few weeks ago I found out something that hurt me so badly...and the next day I took some
Ecstasy and went to a
rave. I had a wonderful night and thought through what was hurting me...and I decided that I wasn't going to let that happen again. That people only hurt by mistake and if you take it personally, you become a person like the one that I am,
fragile and
bruised and
empty.
A resolution is easier said than done, but I started remembering all of these things that had hurt me that I'd completely forgotten had even happened. Well, maybe not completely, I'd just chosen to forget that it happened because I didn't want to deal with it. Remembering and working through it is hurting like hell, but not in the same way as it used to. There's no desire to play with razorblades or drink myself into a stupor as I once did during one of these events (there's nothing that 9 shots of vodka in 45 minutes won't solve), almost killing my roommate in the process. (and I can't believe that I let him touch me after all that but I guess that's what happens when you selectively forget what he did to you before...) Yeah, this hurts.
But I've come to the root of it all. Strangely enough, it stems from my father's death and our relationship, well really for all of my life, but most acutely my last few years in high school. We never really had the greatest relationship. He loved me and I loved him, but at times too many expectations were placed on me, and I could never live up to them. Consequently, we fought all of the time, one week we would speak to each other and everything would be fine, the next we would have a huge fight and wouldn't speak. Thankfully, we weren't fighting when he died very suddenly, otherwise I would probably never be able to get over it, but you can't speak badly or think badly of a dead person. All of the things I felt, the inadequecy of a girl who gets straight A's, 1430 SATs, and accepted into one of the most selective universities in the nation with honors but still is never good enough, the anger that every single important event in my life seems to be marred by a fight with my father (most of my later birthdays, confirmation, my high school graduation and that fight was because my major, Computer Science, wasn't good enough), resentment that everything that went wrong in the house was placed upon me...it was all frozen. Which held me together for a while...until the inadequecy was tripped again and it all fell apart. And I didn't know why until now.
So I've finally given myself permission to think about these things and I can feel myself getting better. This makes me so happy, even though I know this next month or so could get really scary. And while I'm not claiming that the magical e was the cure to all of my problems, it did allow me to have a breakthrough that could have taken years of therapy to acheive, and who knows if I would have survived in the meantime?