I'm learning Nepali now.

Yes, this is what it has come down to ... so far. This is where I'm looking for her Substitutes.

Do I remember where I started? I guess I started by reading her horoscope every day. I used to read it everytime I had an intense desire to call her. It was like getting her news to me - her horoscopes. Monthly, Annual, Weekly, Daily, Love and Sex, Travel, Job, Health - all the different flavors of horoscopes.

    "Loneliness is a Monkey", you said, 
    "A monkey so scared ..."
And then there were times when I had to forget my cell phone at home so I would not keep checking if its signal was okay - if she's calling and I'm missing her call all through my work day.

"What am I? A schoolkid?", I would ask myself.

And then this one time I started reading about Nepal, and Kathmandu. And that helped, that helped me feel she's still around. As if looking at the map of her country would help me reach out and touch her in some magical way.

And I read about Nepali. Attempting to pronounce all those spherical words she used to mouth when talking to her friends back home, or family. All those words I found so lyrical, but never understood.

And then one morning I started picking it - whatever bits I can, I'm picking. I don't know why .. I've no idea what has come over me.

    I just don't want to keep waking every other hour every 
    night with a start and checking if you are sleeping 
    next to me. I don't want to keep pretending you're 
    sitting by me holding my hand while I'm driving and 
    turn to kiss you every red light 
    and find thin air...
I don't know if I want to learn Nepali either - all I want is to be connected to things she're connected to ... for as long as I'm not fine, till I'm not alright.

Would I ever be? ...

    "Life is but a Camera without a film ...", 
    She said, "Don't you agree sweetheart? 
    don't you agree?"...
    I didn't know what to make of it then. 
    Now I understand, what you tried to say to me.
There are no real truths, there are no real lies ....